Changing Rhythms

We all love the idea of change, even more so if our ideation of change creates an impression that the consequences of change will be as we believe it to happen.
But change is very real, both the joy and its pain. Sometimes the latter is real enough for us to realise that we are really not that all prepared to go through it.
In the light of the recent Parliament dissolution and Malaysia's journey to a better future (I must admit I've not read the manifestos of both main parties), the change is real, very real.

Even more so for the community - the people fringing the fighters and world changers.
I was on the LRT yesterday and I passed by the area of Bangsar South, a rapidly developing area. From my vantage point, the most obvious view were the massive towering cranes in various directions.
It was a gorgeous sight because it shows me the development of my country, that it is moving somewhere, albeit most of us not really knowing where this "somewhere" is.
I wasn't sure what kind of development it was, but a thought crossed my mind "Someone is waiting for their house to be built. Someone might be in anticipation after all these years to finally own a place they can call home, bought with money they made with blood and sweat. Someone might be waiting to start their business, eager to serve the market in which their product will actually benefit."
And when the political scene starts rock and rolling, these development might come to a halt, someone's dream might come to a pause.

I'm not saying don't start rocking, please, we need this rock 'n roll. But we also need to realise it's not so much the journey during the rock and rolling, it's the journey of picking up the pieces of the rock and roll, of living with the deafening sensation to our ears once this loud music ends.
When things are rocky, those not in direct power have minimal control over what is imposed upon them. When fights happen in the building where decisions are made, the wait time for a system that works for the people may take a while to happen.
Healthcare, social welfare. There are people waiting for policies to come true, and their wait is not easy.
And the funny thing is, people who have everything would not like the change, while people who have less than everything hope for the better. We call the former selfish. And perhaps they are.
But think about it. If you have spent 20 years of your life building a business which means so much to you, how willing are you to risk losing that entirely, and with that loss, the loss of a lot of your life built upon this dream.
Can you remember the last time you really worked for something? And then someone tells you that for the better good, you need to lose it? And you actually felt resistant? Yes, your resistance is selfish, and yes, your resistance is very human.
When we judge people about their not wanting to change, we forget to try and empathise how they are perceiving the change. That their fears of a worse outcome is as valid as our hopes for a better outcome.
Lest we start wondering why they are not changing, or chiding them for being selfish, understand that beneath the selfishness roots a strong fear of this kind of pain.
That we are only human, that we can fear, but we are also built to overcome the fear. I'm not validating their selfishness, I'm suggesting that we are all humans seeing from different vantage points. And if we see this selfishness and empathise, perhaps we can all play a better role in helping each other understand that this concert is not for personal benefits regardless of our current status quo, but for the ultimate benefit of this this community we call our society.

So, the pain of change is very real. A wise person once told me that we say we like learning, but we don't actually like learning.
Because learning comes with pain, a lot of pain.
It's easier to fall in love with the idea of change, it's harder to make the relationship work with change.
That does not mean we don't want change. That means that we are ready to make change work, however hard.
At this point, what matters is not actually who wins, but that we pray we have people who will step up to the challenge of moving the change towards the better.
People who will sit through the pain of failure, resistance, expectations broken, hopes tried because they have faith things will be better.
We're not just in for the music, we're in to create a new rhythm of life. And let's all remember our part in sitting through this pain, and always wanting to make things better.

Because it is always the darkest before the dawn.

Disclaimer: This is just a personal reflection and is not intended to propagate any political point of view, neither do I admit to have done the best set of research I can of this country's political scene. Nevertheless, I do welcome other perspectives and conversations. Cheerios!

Uncredited Happiness

Do you believe in happiness?

I should reiterate; do you think you can achieve happiness, however you choose to define "happiness"? Most of the time we assume we are deserving of happiness, and happiness is a privilege yet when it comes down to it, I think most of us find it hard to believe that we can be that happy, especially in the truest, happiest moments.

How many times have we found it annoying, and un-human-like for a person to be happy/optimistic all the time? You know that one chirpy person we all come to know? How on earth does he/she stay on top of that all.the.time?
Why would we question that?
Why would we wonder why someone can stay so Pollyanna-ish?
Why must a person be sad or portray some negative emotion to be considered "human"?
Why do we even wonder about things like that if we believe we can be truly happy all.the.time?

And. What have we done as a fellow human to deserve to see the inch of vulnerability from these people (should we expect to see it) other than prod at their unbelievable happiness?

I like the excerpt below:

“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It's more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.” 
― Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

Finally, a question for myself and whoever interested, can we really believe in others happiness, if we don't believe ourselves to be happy?

"But there were, lessons learned"

You can't pray for courage without embracing the situations that come along with it
Situations that require you to use courage, and most importantly learn it. The thing with courage is it is not a I-bestow-upon-thee-courage and tada! you are courageous in everything you do. How we wish it was that simple. Two years ago, I started a simple concept of having a word as my resolution every year. It started with the word empathy, and boy did I have to learn about empathy that entire year, and the years that come after. It becomes something you no longer ignore because you are now aware. And this year it was courage, oh my dear God Lord have my prayers been answered. Courage is bestowed upon us a choice in a situation. Will you be courageous in facing a situation that could use courage? If you chose it, you may learn something, if not, you just miss a lesson. But learning courage is a chicken-and-egg argument, does courage comes first before making a courageous decision or does a courageous decision lead to courage? Ultimately, courage asks you to seek your heart, it did originate from the Latin word "cor" which means heart.

Your values and beliefs will be challenged, constantly.
They say the hardest thing to do in the world is to be yourself when everyone wants you to be someone else. That is not far from true. You will be constantly tried for valuing what you value, and believing what you believe. It comes in the forms of social comparison, doubts, feeling like an idiot et cetera. It comes with possible need for overhaul. And you will realise that at the end of it, what matters much is not which values and beliefs you take, but that you actually take a stand and stand by it

You will realise you don't know much, or anything at all.
I like to be right. It has been my utmost defense for the years I've grown up. To admit I don't know is like bringing out my ego and chopping it for stew. To just shrug and say I've no idea really makes me feel the cheese-grating-nail-scratching-blackboard cringe. Yet, realising this makes one so humble, and if anything, makes me want to learn even more.

You will also realise you have something to give, if anything at all.
Humility has a flip side when one feels that you have no confidence at all that you know anything at all. Actually, I'm not even sure if that is considered humility. But anyway, you would realise that humility and confidence are no opponents. That you can put at the table something you might have to offer, regardless of whether the offer is taken. It's the part where you are considering that you may have something to offer, and testing to see whether the offer meets the demand which helps you learn what exactly you can, have and will contribute

People will make you feel like the worse lump in the world, and they will also make you feel like a diamond
We will all meet more people as we grow up, even by simple probability. Just try changing your daily routine a bit. Can't say the same if you lock yourself in the basement everyday though there's always social media. But anyway, people will test your faith in humanity. Some people will make you feel like you are the biggest loser whether because they explicitly tell you that, or implicitly show it through their behaviours or you are just perceiving it in your brain. The point is, being around people will create mirrors, and what you see in the mirror may be something you like, or not. You will want to compare, you will want to win, and you will learn that in more cases than not, there is really no win or lose. Everyone gets to keep some medal. The good side of this though, is that you come to learn who is key, or who you want as key in your life, and whose key will you be.

You will become very closely acquainted with this amazing thing in life called Choices.
It's no longer choosing between nap time or movie time. It's choosing between paths, paths that you have no goddamn idea where they will lead to. and you will still have to make a choice and live with it. Which brings me to my next point. You will make bad choices. and you will realise you can actually survive it, and may even come to embrace it. But at the end of the day, you won't be running long from this thing called Choice.

You will love, hurt, learn - repeat cycle
Friends, other halves, family, work, passion; anything you have actually decided put your heart into. You will stretch the capacity of your heart, you will feel the pain of the stretch like yoga after 10 years of break. It is not pleasant, but so necessary.

You will accept that "It didn't start out this way, why should it end this way?"
Change. In matter of 30 seconds, so quick that when you realised, it has already happened. In a matter of 30 weeks, so gradual that again when you realised, it has already happen. But you didn't start out this way, so why be so sure it will end this way? There are two sides of looking at this; that if you started out horrible, things may get better, but also if you started out great, things may become horrible. And it's not linear, it's cyclical. You can choose to fight it, with that you learn which battles are worth it. At the same time, you can choose to embrace it, and flow with it - the latter being a crazy challenge.

You will learn 50 shades of grey
And not in the sexual way. Not unless you prefer to, promise not to judge ;) But you will realise that not all bad is necessary bad, and not all good is necessary good and every new thing you learn might bust your mind, or grant you awe. You will learn to walk by the peripheries and balance the in-betweens and feel your core. Nuts, but it makes good stories, haha.

P.S:
I noticed I use the word 'will' a lot, and it's not intended to set up any expectations and make anyone go "oh shit oh shit oh shit, this is going to happen to me". But I kinda like the intense tone that comes with will, because I really believe that is what most of us will face, just in our own unique way. So don't fret yet, I promise life is still very worth it, cross my heart.

23 years of life, and more to come, =)

Fellow Lions

"I don't care about what you think, mister!"

I read the above article 3 times. Simply because the first time I read it, I cringed. I've never been a big fan of articles that advocate this form of individualism. While I am a huge advocate of autonomy and independence,   often people end up using their privilege of individualism to be, forgive my language, an ass. Why I've read this article 3 times was because I was trying to avoid my confirmation bias and prejudice towards such articles . And after reading it the third time, I think I have a more balance and mild impression towards the article.

First off, I must agree that approval-seeking is draining, waste time, someone will always hate you and you can't control what they think. If there's anything 23 years of life has taught me is that external voices will eat you up from the inside if you give them total control. So in that sense, approval-seeking is as the article say, unneccessary.

Then, there are those who equate approval-seeking with taking into consideration what people are saying, because in some way, if we ask someone else for their opinion, it means we are giving them a chance to have a say in what we do - similar to approval seeking. But it's not. and I assure you it is not.

"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others more than a lion needs approval of sheep" -Vernon Howard-

But what about fellow lions? I'm not sure why the author compared lions to sheep, because one eats the other, and even if they don't the whole sentence reeks of superiority. And that's why it's easy to become an ass. Because you think you are better than others thus you stand alone, and no one will ever understand you. Insert scene of man in cowboy hat sitting on a rock with gusts of wind blowing. all. alone.

More than that,  there is a distinct mention of not to care what others think. Unless you are like Steve Jobs who managed to get away with being an ass and still be idolized, people will matter, one point or another. It's not a coincidence that the regrets of most people on their death bed revolve around relationships. I've wrote about something similar to this in a different blog, specifically in terms of leadership.

Yes, at one point or another, you will need to stand up for what you believe in. And yes, you might be standing all alone with eyes glaring at you for being a menace, eyes pleading you to sit down instead of bringing  all this "shame" - eyes that judge. At that precise moment, just one pair of eyes that gleams at your courage to stand up could make it all worth it. Eyes that understand. Will it be a pair of eyes of a sheep? a fellow lion? or anyone like or unlike you? I don't know. What I know is, at that point, people will matter. You can go on your rocky road, and you should because you started it. But when it comes to some pothole quicksand, having a hand really makes it easier to get out.

So don't seek approval. Seek the words of those who have the interest of your heart. Got energy? Expend it to seek approval from yourself FIRST of all, but not only you, some might have interesting stuff to say as well ;)

To Be Continued...

Sometimes I'm so fixated on the now, how horrible it is now, how uncomfortable, how I don't want to be here. How now sucks (full stop).

And then I am reminded of the past, and the possible future. How I have thrived in the past, the good-bad-funny memories.
And also of the future. How it is so uncertain, but if anything that just means it can be bad...or good. And good is well, where I hope to be. Hope, that's the key.

There is beauty in continuity.

One of the themes that emerge from my dissertation research on high-quality relationships is that our strongest relatlationship have a past, and have an intention for a possible future. I think that is Life in general, to see it as progress, rather than being stumped like a full-stop cradled by the abyss.

This totally goes against the practice of mindfulness which focuses on the here and now; that only now exists. Jon Kabat-Zinn would totally flip at the statement I just made about the need for continuity, need for a past and future. Actually, he won't flip, he would probably just be aware of his intention to flip but hold it in awareness without judgment, haha. Jokes jokes. I'm still new to meditation but learning its principles and practice have made quite the difference in my life, so I don't mean to be offensive.

Back to my point. I think remembering life as 'flow' instead of stagnancy helps release us from the fixation of how uncanny life can be at this moment in life. And sometimes, we just need to travel through time (or possible time) to fuel that sliver of hope and faith.

That does not mean that now is not important, without a now, back then and after that would cease to exist. Even if they do exist, there cease to be meaning because you are always looking to get somewhere else other than the only place your are in, right now. Why 'time traveling' of this sort is risky is because of our expectation for now to to be back then, and to be repeated in after that. This will never happen. ever. It is when we attempt to replicate the exact situation of the past in the present or the future that time travel becomes suffering, now is seen as a holding place, a temporary prison, a bus stop where you are fidgeting looking at your watch waiting to be where after that is, hopefully an after that that resembles back then.

That moment back then when you followed your heart, turn around, did the stupidest thing of hugging someone tightly just to found it reciprocated with the best embrace ever? If right now, right. this. moment. you choose to do the same thing, it might happen again. or not. And to expect that doing it now will definitely meet your expectations as it once was will just make you not realise how amazing the current moment of courage is. The moment where you actually want to take another chance, the moment where it's about you having the courage again...not so much the you that is only looking forward to know the consequences of your actions.

Or the most relatable example; how people say no any other time of falling in love is like the first. and it shouldn't be. Don't think we can all go through the craziness 5 times, twice maybe, but more, well hmm. While it could be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to you (and it probably is), it's only the most beautiful compared to itself. Not to any of the love after that. And traveling through time, hoping the feelings or rather, letting the perceptions of the feelings back then colour your now and after that, no one is going to be happy. You. are not going to be happy.

But traveling back then can amount to goodness as well, even if it already happened. In my experience, such exploration can be equated to be flipping back to the dog-eared page of the book you've read, to find the sentence that gave it the dog-ear.....and another sentence that you never realised back then but now light has shine on it. Literally and metaphorically, =)
And perhaps, when it comes to traveling to after that, the little journey can help build "a little bit of hope - hard-earned, well deserved, reasonable" (Life of Pi, Martel, 2012)

So travel. We talk about travelling to all corners of the world, wanderlust for the most gorgeous sights in the world. But what about the prettiest places in our hearts, the corners of stories of our life? Maybe if you need a break from the uncanny now, a short travel to back then and after that might just be the getaway you need. I suggest solitude with coffee or tea.

 And as always, it's important to return safely. Travel safe!

VALifeUES

If there is one thing more difficult to deal with than living by someone else's values, it is living by your own values. It is easier to live by others' values because if and when things go wrong, there is someone to blame for the deed. Doesn't matter if they don't take the blame, just simply knowing that there is someone else to blame other than yourself gives an odd sense of comfort.

Living by your own values? Now that is its own set of complications. First, you got to defend your own values whether it is by outright fighting for it, or just living it all out despite the world's mocking. Then you constantly have doubts about whether your values are truly your values, especially when the world seems to be against it. Walking between the lines of being true to your values and idiotic self-righteousness is a constant struggle. Finally, when you fail to live up to your values, or that your values fail you, you only got yourself to own up to. Not the fun-est process huh?

But then comes the day when you feel like you've lived your values authentically and that it has actually contributed to the good you wish to see in your community and life. When all those stars align, it feels like the most amazing thing in the world. Kinda like Life has nudged you in the ribs and go "Yeah baybeh!". Haha.

"Values are principles that hold true because you are willing to accept the sacrifices it incurs and appreciate the goodness it brings"

And that's why we really live for isn't it?

One personal value I that I find constantly creates internal conflict for me is my independence, or autonomy rather. To be honest, my year in UK had taught me that I am a dependent person more than not. In the sense where I need and appreciate having people and good relationships around me. These form the foundations of my support system, or the core of who I am and a safety base. But, they are not my walking stick(s). This is where I appreciate autonomy, a lot of it, leading me to be opinionated more than not. While I don't see myself to be extremely opinionated compared to the general population, when it comes to things that I have strong opinions, it is of intense flavour. I can respect the opinions of others and understand that each person has reasons for their values. The boundary is when people want me to conform to their values, without considering if it would help me grow a better person but more of because that is the way it's the suppose to be or worse, because "like that la". That is the worst excuse. ever. It's like asking your parents as a kid why you can't do something and getting the answer "Because I'm your dad/mum". It's a silly excuse. Use it once or twice because parents' power is awesome, but more than that, it's silly. My parents rarely did that, I can't recall any off my head, which could explain the sense of autonomy I built over the years. I am usually either given a proper explanation, or I get to choose what I want to do with my justification accepted.

Nonetheless, being born with double X genes, this level of independence is frowned upon in many cultures. I don't deny that it could be due to the way I manifest it (which is what I'm constantly working on, really) but it is more often welcomed with a you-should-tone-it-down rather than a thank-you-for-being-who-you-are. It's less prominent in the workplace for various reasons, but when it comes to human relationships, all the gender cards are played out.

I don't believe in gaining one strength which will offset another (i.e. being independent means not gentle). Just like how I disagree with women empowerment (however thankful I am to radical feminists) that tells us we can be as tough as men. If they can be detached, so can we. If they want to play the game of hot-and-cold, two can play the game. If men can have casual sex and not give two hoots, we will also have casual sex and not give three hoots. The empowered woman is show to be "liberated", doing everything men can do which places us equal with men. And one example of where that got us - the hookup culture. In trying to fight the "evil" we perceive, we become the evil ourselves; like where's the sense in that?

I do however believe that we are all blessed by God with different strengths, certain strengths more core to one gender than the other. And that we are complementary for the greater good rather than competing against each other. There's so much in a lady which can be a strength yet often seen as a weakness. No, I won't be able to hold back my tears in a situation that provoke it while my male buddy may be able to hold it alright. Yes, I'll be able to cry, go to sleep, wake up tomorrow morning and do even better. And that's my strength, if not as a woman, then as a human being. Similarly, there are ways of manipulating these "weaknesses" to get what you want. One of the more degrading comments is that independent ladies are not stupid enough, and therefore you can't get the men, and women hate you. In the recent weeks, the term "leftover women" have been coined in China. Basically, women cannot be too smart (now I'm doomed because I have a MSc.). But it is precisely knowing that how manipulative "acting stupid" can be that I consciously choose not to do it.

So,  while I appreciate my independence and autonomy accompanied by solitude, I definitely need my dosage of connections, preferably over good coffee. Yet, it is key for women need to show their dependency in society's terms, otherwise it's not womanly. Just because I don't expect to be saved all the time doesn't mean I don't need saving. Isn't it way sexier to know that a woman is with you because she needs and wants you, rather than just needing you and will shrivel to death once you leave?

I believe men and women should be respected equally in relationships for who they are and I still appreciate traditional notions of chivalry. While I don't expect to be saved all the time, I appreciate a man who offers to carry my heavy luggage across the train station. Similarly, if my hands are empty, and my male buddy is carrying loads of stuff, I expect myself to offer help rather than maintain a "I'm-a-lady-I-don't-do-heavy" attitude. It's just a nice thing to do. But apparently, that's not a smart thing to do because you end up a doormat where people take advantage of you all the time, or perceived as overtly independent and therefore scaring all potential people away. Can you just imagine the power of trying to be nice to a fellow human and this happens?

Unfortunately, if measured by society's standards, my values as manifested by the behaviours I mentioned leaves me at a "disadvantage". And sometimes I complain, sometimes I feel defeated, sometimes I don't think it's fair that by being true to myself means living by the periphery of society (at least in this arena). I am still in between deciding if it is me living authentically by my values or just being young and stupid wanting to rebel against the world. Either way, I know I'll be learning something, a lot of somethings.

Right this current moment, I cannot see myself not living those values. I want to live those values. I'm not too sure about changing the world, but I'm sure about being the change you want to see. And in those tons of times when I see the values leaving me desolated, the few times I've seen the stars align for me is good enough for me to know that I'll continue living these values. 

Honestly, well...

Be honest. That's something we're taught since young. You would think that as we get older, it should be easier given the years it's been ingrained in us. But really, it doesn't get any easier, if anything it gets harder (maybe it's something to do with lack of practice, haha).

I'll list three situations where I believe honesty is the best policy, yet leaves me personally cringing when I have to deal with it.

Asking questions
It's not so much asking questions in a lecture hall of 250 people. In such situation, I think the lecturer is probably cringing more than I am, haha. I'm talking about a one-to-one situation. Just you and the other person. And it usually involves clearing some sort of ambiguity that has been troubling you, though it can also be general questions about happy times. Plus it would involve asking open-ended questions. "We are okay, right?" is not open, that is trying to get a validation of your own expectation. But asking something by the lines of "What do you think about us now?" is giving total control to the other person to answer anything from what you expect to something totally diverted to no answer. That moment-to-moment unfolding of each phrase of your question to that moment filled with silence of thinking to the moment they open their mouth and you know they have some answer - you just don't know what the answer will be like, or how you'll react to the answer. Just the thought of such confrontations leaves me clambering for my duvet. And personal advice, don't do it in a moving car, you might feel very tempted to open the car door and jump out, haha. Though I would say it's the best strategy if you want a captured audience.

Giving compliments
You would think this would be done snap-snap. Na-uh, not for me at least. I remember early this year in Starbucks where I was waiting for my takeaway coffee at the collection table. There was this other lady who came after me and was waiting for her coffee, and she had crazy gorgeous eyes. They were the most smiley eyes I ever saw. And she was very polite too, we didn't make conversation but she would always smile back whenever we happen to make eye contact. So my mocha came, and whaddya know she ordered mocha too, so she was about to take it (I think she was just being blur, not mean in cutting queues) but when she realised it was mine, she said sorry and smiled back. At that moment, I couldn't resist but compliment her on her eyes. "You have very beautiful eyes". I could barely say it without resisting to look away, yet I really feel I should to let her know. A genuine compliment always makes a person's day. She was quite taken aback (maybe she thought I was hitting on her) but smiled anyway, a giggle actually while I took my takeaway coffee and scurried off.
But giving someone a compliment made me feel good. Yet, it doesn't make it any easier the next time I wanted to compliment someone, guy or girl about something I feel genuinely they should know. Especially face-to-face. And I think I totally get how dudes find it difficult to be honest with a lady, or just chat her up. Definitely require guts. Maybe an exit plan in a form of takeaway coffee could help with the guts? Haha

Saying sorry/ Owning up
Even when I'm wrong, even when I really really want to say sorry. It's challenging to look a person in the eye and say, I'm sorry, I screwed up. Especially when I don't know exactly what made me screw up, and there's nothing I can do in the present moment to make up for the mess. Total guiltball. To look at a person's disappointed or sad look, and know you can't do anything for now, that really sucks. And seeing their conflict of willing to forgive you anyway, yet they can't deny they are sad about it. Look away, look away. But a genuine sorry eye-to-eye really means a lot. Even amidst the discomfort of silence that fill the moments as you let them process the situation. It is not the same over any other media. Because if not done well, you walk away feeling like a bigger loser than when you actually make the mistake since you can't even do the very least of a genuine sorry.

I think what lies beneath these situations that make them so simple yet so difficult, is our vulnerability.

Whether it is the vulnerability of giving someone the reins to answer a question that might break your ego,
or the vulnerability of being nice to someone and they give you a o.O look,
or the vulnerability of admitting to yourself more than anyone else that you wronged someone that means something to you.

These require massive courage, for us to realise that for once, let's not make it about ourselves, particularly our ego. An ego that is constructed from years of self-perpetuating dishonesty cycles, from a society that sometimes value running away as the easier option, from your self-beliefs that people's reaction make you. It could influence you, but no one makes you more than you.

When there is no courage, often, silence happens. And it's not the sort of peaceful silence that is rare. It's the kind of silence that haunts us on deathbeds, in confessions, over a glass of wine and regret. Yet we find ourselves asking "What would you say if you know no one can hear you?".

I ask; "What would you say if you know someone can hear you, and know that the someone chooses to understand?"

Shortum #2: Star-Shaped Scar

Tomorrow,

don't tell someone that they are the star of your heart,

tell them about the star-shaped scar in your heart

Tell them that one point of the star which was caused by anger, 

the kind of anger that boils your emotions so strongly,

no words were uttered

Tell them the other point that looks shorter than the rest,

for it was carved the time you feel the smallest in your life

Tell them the point that follows the southeast on a compass,

a time when you were lost in life, and took a wrong turn at sea

Tell them the fourth point, the most deeply-etched one,

the one from your fourth love who was your first love

and therefore the deepest love

Tell them the last point,

the one that if they look hard enough

"is the second to the right"

and takes them straight on to your heart till morning

Tomorrow,

tell the star of your heart the scars in your heart.

The Weight of Stories

If there's one thing I dislike, it's to feel uncomfortable. I am at odds with discomfort. And I define discomfort as an in-between, neither here-not-there interlude situations. It feels much better to be at the starting point before the discomfort happen or right at the end when the discomfort is over. #firstworldproblems?

Add to that the fact that we're in the fastest era yet, to be in a process that takes time is really pushing massive buttons. Especially in relationships, or any connection for that matter. In the video "The Last Part", the core question was "What makes best friends, best friends?" To which one of the answer was "time". Yea, tick-tock-tick-tock, that kind of time. The moment-to-moment, unfolding in its pace kinda time. And as each moment unfolds, it is an empty page for comfort, or discomfort. Or somewhere in between. Which often makes us want to pull our hair out. So how do we deal with it?

Unfortunately, the prominent way of dealing in the culture is to chop-chop-fast-fast. So we just take control of the reins, create the situation we desire and then wait for the other person to react, hopefully in the way we expect. And because life prefer to have its reins, it often does not end up pretty. Hence, the increase of what is called the hook-up culture. Where we all crave connections, but have no idea how to deal with the process of it, we try to "create" the connection as fast as we can, yet end up more disappointed than ever. Read article here and here. 

Floodlighting. That's the term Brene Brown gave to our strategy of shielding vulnerability, in this case, perhaps the vulnerability that arises from the discomfort of not sure where this relationship is going. And mind you, it's between friends, families and any two stranger who are trying to establish something beyond hello-and-goodbye. Floodlighting is that kind of sharing where it soothes our own pain or intents to test loyalty/tolerance or hot-wiring new connection (the kind like in hook-up cultures) or a combination of any of these. In her book, she writes "You can't use vulnerability to discharge your own discomfort, or as a tolerance barometer in a relationship (I'll share this and see if you stick around"), or to fast-forward a relationship - it just won't co-operate" (Daring Greatly, pg. 159). Touche.

Remember the times when someone new, and you're just enjoying the getting-to-know-you process and bam! he or she tells you the sob stories of their entire life and how finding you is their greatest gift. You just met them 15 minutes ago. And yea, love at first sight, well...I'll leave that to you, haha. The point is, while some of us can and do instantly connect, I believe the strongest connections are those that weather through time. What the instant connection gives us is the hope that hey, this could go somewhere and hey, maybe I'm going to give that disconcerting process of making friends a shot. 

With every shield, comes a daring greatly strategy, a sort-of strategy anyway. There's no hard and fast rule to avoid the discomfort and the floodlighting strategy in reaction to the discomfort. But the general idea from her is that we need to practice self-compassion, and that includes sharing boundaries. I love this line "When it comes to vulnerability, connectivity means sharing our stories with people who have earned the right to hear them - people with whom we've cultivated relationships that can bear the weight of our story" (Daring Greatly, pg. 160). That is the single strongest takeaway I took from the book when I read, because I feel pressure all the time to share, even when I don't feel comfortable. But Brene Brown reminds us that boundaries are a form of self-compassion. We are not being defensive. The other idea is that we need to clarify our intentions. In essence, are we genuinely sharing or are we using the sharing for some other manipulative reason? It's hard to draw the line really, though I believe just as no one can question your intention, no one knows your intention best, but your honest self. 

So making connections is discomforting. And whether we floodlight or not, it does not change the fact that with connections come discomfort. Because that's where the gold lies. "The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we sting together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles" (Brown, Daring Greatly, pg.160).

While it feels like sitting in a chair which does not fit you yet, and you're moving about trying to feel comfortable, know that you will find that sweet spot. If not, maybe, just maybe the connection ain't for you. 

In response to what make best friends, best friends, or what makes true friends, true friends?

It is when we can, want and choose to bear the weight of each other's life story throughout our journey together.

Shortum #1: Desire. Pursue. Own?

We are dared to desire,
therefore we dared.

We are dared to pursue,
therefore we dared.

We are dared to own what we've desired and managed to pursue, but how many of us lived up to that dare?

In the recent weeks, I find myself being more mindful of my desires in life, and that I'm actually daring to pursue them. But self-sabotage kicks in full-fledge and it asks me, dare I own?

To be responsible, to own the consequences, to live the highs and lows.

Woah, suddenly courage is minimized. We often live for the thrill of the chase, of acquiring, of fulfilling desires in life.

But no one tells us what to do when we actually have it.

How do we celebrate when we are actually on top of the mountain?

Blindsiding experiences

Had a slowed-down weekend. I know it doesn't make sense for a person who's not working nor studying to say that, but the thing is my brain tends to be really active even if I'm sitting down doing nothing. Whether it is active-productive or not, that's another story. Haha. So I did one of my favourite-est things to do, taking a walk in the park. It's the one thing I'll really really really miss about the UK, the vast parks and the clear blue skies (yes, we do have clear blue skies when we do). Plus it's Autumn, which means the colours are amazing; even more vivid this year apparently due to the funky prolonged wintery season we've been having, =)

 Click! Can see the morning dew on the autumn loves, =)

Slipped and sat on this large tree trunk, haha

The other favourite stuff I did (I have a lot of favourite stuff actually) is to listen to inspiring talks, my main source now is from TED Talks and Good Life Project, tons of yummy stuff there. Oh, and reading interesting articles as well. So, as I was trying to consolidate all these new information I've been receiving, one thought crossed my mind : a lot of these inspiration came from people who have "been through, done that" and thus can impart their wisdom, but what if it's suitable for them or people who have gone through what they've been through, and not necessary people who are still green and yet to hit those milestones. Would the advice that came from someone twice our age make any sense at our current age, or are we trying to blindside the experiences we are suppose to have so we fail less/make less mistakes. I'm not sure if I'm even making sense here.

Look at the amount of information we can gather just by the tips of our fingers. Type something into Google and you're bound to find some Guru telling you about something which pretty sounds like it makes sense because we are not there yet to determine its authenticity. I hope I don't come across as cynical here, but I was just wondering if this information bombardment can sometimes be creating a shell for us to hide from the real experiences meant for us rather than give us a safe platform as a base. Of course, we can debate what is "real" or not, but I'm defining real in terms of actually being in the arena, actually carrying out a plan and failing it, of owning our own failures. And obviously we can't avoid failures just because we've maximised the number of good advices we take from 50 wise people, sometimes things fail because that's part of life.

Take gratitude for example. I'm a huge proponent of it, because for the longest time, even right now, it is a value that I live by. There are tons of articles, talks, speeches out there that remind us to be grateful, how to be grateful, when to be grateful; even articles on how gratitude can stunt our growth. Basically we have information that covers the whole spectrum, pretty wholesome if you ask me. But with some much information available, how many of us still actively seek experiences that help us make our own information, experiences that we can call our own despite certain universal differences with the rest of the world?

My point here is, information bombardment can sometimes make us want to blindside life by forgoing certain experiences when we take too much advice, when we listen to everyone except ourselves. This is not a license to be an asshole and go around rebutting every single person, but I also think that there is an infinite amount of experiences out there for each of us which can never be claimed by the vast amount of information already available.

So let this be a reminder to us, and myself, that we need to seek our experiences, own our experiences. This week, let's all go out there, with the advice we decide to take and with the heart of adventure, and find some to call our own.

You are your past, but not just your past

You are the awkward person you cringe when you look at old photos,
And the constant over-achiever of the medals that stand in the cupboard.

You are the collection of painful memories with some that still sting freshly,
You are the collage of joyful memoirs that warms the depth of your heart.

You broke your first heart,
And you let your heart be broken the first time.

You are the one who made that horribly stupid mistake,
You are the one who inspired that amazing incident.

You are your past, 
but not just your past.

If there's one thing I wish for, is for all of us to live our lives in peace with our past, and in peace with the anxiety of future that hasn't come.
I wish for us to live the now. Not so much in the #YOLO way, but in the right-now-I'm-alright way.
Nothing suffocates more than trying to catch up with a life going backwards, when all it does is move forward, because life moves forward.

We can't change the past, but we can change how we choose to live the decisions of our past.

And yes, we can choose to live that happily.

P.S: Here's a TED talk that might help; "Don't Regret Regret"

50 hours + 1

Productive. What is your perspective on this term?

A friend brought up a question today, "Why must our society put in 50 hours of work week (referring particularly to the Asian society) to be deemed productive?"

While I think there is a movement looking into balance between efficiency and effectiveness, it's undeniable that when you don't put in that expected 50 hours, the idea is that you have not been productive enough and that idea could be implied from the society, or even you yourself.

So what is considered productive? More hours doing something, whatever something is? Or doing something that seems like something to other people? Or outcomes, yea, what about using outcomes as a measure - more tangible outcomes, more productive?

Danielle LaPorte mentioned here about the divinity of procrastination in a hyperproductive society. While I think procrastination is more misused that not, I like how she termed us a hyperproductive society. Brene Brown conceptualized this as part of the scarce culture of our society, of a never-enough society, of a society always striving for imperfection.

In this you-can-never-do-enough society, it's hard to feel enough, ever if at all. Even trying to be enough is a freaking race of its own. I like how a friend quoted here that we are approval junkies, that try as we may, we will consider what others think of us. That if we are supposed to put in 50 damn hours, we will put in 50 damn hours + 1 so we don't feel like an outcast.

Okay, maybe not approval junkies. But taking a social constructionism point of view, in which the basis of our reality is formed by interwoven influences of our relationship with people, our history, the society's influenced, one-man-island concept is seriously not working here.

Why did I write about this? Because I'm trying to grasp my sense of being productive. In a society where bottom line counts, how do you tell the world, and your conscience that experiences are as worth it as the dollar per hour? How does one "justify" the "value" of travelling to different countries, writing articles, connecting with people, making gifts as being productive equivalent to a 9 - 5 job or extrapolating it so it creates value to get a job?

And I find the most difficult part not justifying to people, but to myself. To allow myself to be enough, by just making the most out of my moments without needing to feel that I should be putting in hours so it will give me money in the future. Then I wonder, is there a need for justification?

So how do you grasp your idea of productivity? How do you determine when, how is enough?

To embrace seasons, to being and just be.

The Bottom of the Yam Cake Tray

I read this article some time back, and it revolves around the old adage of "nice people finish last"; which is usually not a good thing especially if the metaphor is a race in life.

Anyway, the article has about 4 page of comments the last I skim through, and reading it will give you a good wholesome view on people who agree/disagree/indifferent towards the concepts put forth in the article. I have to say I'm one of those who leans toward the type who is more likely to cringe as I read the article. One because I don't agree personally with the concepts, two because I have observed enough to know that there are some grains of truth there that can't be denied. Nevertheless, can't be denied does not mean it has to hold true given our society is always changing (thank God!).

We always want what we can't have, that unfortunately has been the primary value advocated in a never-enough society. Which I guess is partially born out of the massive capitalism rush we have had throughout the recent century. So when you become the person less available, less nice, less *insert something not enough*, the implied value is that you are sacred, and sacred is always good.

What I disagree though is how "nice" becomes a term that leaves a bad taste in one's mouth. Oh yea, he/she is well, nice la. It has come to a point that being nice is an insult; even when nice can be kind, or gentle, or agreeable. And while I agree that "nice" does not equal to doormat, I also don't think that un-nice-ing oneself is going to lead to any happiness. For one, if you are really authentically being nice, asking you to go against yourself is likely to make you cringe, and two, resentment occurs when you change because of "wiser" advice in hopes that it will create a change for the better, yet this better change never came.

I do think people still need and should remain nice to others.

And not forget to be nice to themselves. It does not have to be either-or. By being nice to others does not mean you have to be un-nice to yourself, whoever came up with that concept? Some of the comments touch on the idea of setting boundaries and I think that is one key in maintaining your authenticity and attaining that happiness you desire.

Nice people, continue being nice to others, we all appreciate it, we really do. But understand that appreciation does not mean we will give our life to you and that you are our soul mate. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Because there is no direct correlation that if you are nice to someone, they have to marry you, or reciprocate your love. Personally, if I'm nice to someone I fancy, and that person for better or worse does not reciprocate, I still think my niceness is rewarded if they can politely and respectfully be honest with their feelings (or the lack of it, haha). Of course, we all want to get the right boy/girl at the end of the day, but niceness is not a strategy, it's a being, it's part of compassion for humans in general.

We treat people nice because people deserve to be treated nice, because we are humans. I try to adhere to this everyday and I have to admit, some people don't make it easy =P

Nice people, be nice to yourself. Don't create an "unavailable" facade but you are actually lying at home waiting for a text. If you are available, so be it. If you are not, because you are involved with your own life, so be it. Again, nice does not = not getting satisfaction in a relationship; neither does un-nice = the world will worship me (though it might seems so at the surface of it, haha)

I can't say the same for the world, but I can say it from my own perspective - that the world is a much better place because of people who are nice, because they are being nice.

And if you finish last anyway, it can't be that bad especially if the metaphor is the bottom of a good tray of yam cake, my grandma always told me that's where all the goodies are ;)

It's supposed to be like that la.

We critic too much and compliment too little. Agree?

Okay if you don't agree, that's a proposition I'm putting forth, haha. Recently I've been hearing and witnessing a lot of harmless criticism such as in terms of teasing, stereotyping, labeling etc. The thing is, I don't think people utter all those with any malicious intentions, I just think that while we do so much of that, we sorta kinda forget to counteract it with compliments, or rather, honest niceties.

And this is more common with people you are closer with. No one calls a stranger "donkey" or "fatty bom bom", you can try, let me know what happens, haha.
While I think it's fun to tease around, and I actually think it's necessary as a way of people breaking boundaries within them, what saddens me is when it gets thrown around so much, people who hear them start internalizing them. Doesn't help that humans brain are wired for negativity (no thanks to our survival instincts), so we tend to remember the only negative comment out of 10 positive comments. So imagine if the ratio of negative/less positive utterances are way more than honest niceties, doesn't it become more difficult to internalize the niceties when it really happens? One reason why we all end up being cynical when we hear niceties; "Eh, you want something ah?"

We are all encouraged to accept positive comments given to us rather than deny it and go "No la, you also mar"/"Where got"/"Omg, not true!". But how do we accept it when our daily conversations revolve around reinforcing negativity, even in the name of fun. I've known people who when I try to honestly tell them something good about them and within evidence (i.e. a particular action they did), all I get is full on denial because they are stupid anyway. And why are they stupid? Because "everyone" thinks so, and this "everyone" is almost always people who are close such as their other half, parents, siblings, friends etc. It makes me sad, so I can't imagine how the person who gets it actually feels.

I'm not advocating niceties all the time. Like how kids' self-esteem are bolstered so much that they think they are so privileged because every time they fail, someone tells them "No, no, not your fault darling, the nut should have known how to crack its own shell, your poor poor fingers". =_= Na-uh, not what I meant at all. I'm talking about how we call people silly, dumb, bimbo, etc etc they forget that they are awesome. And we honestly need not wait till deathbeds or epitaphs or speeches at a funeral to remember how great someone is. Why can't we tell them that today? If they are wearing a nice dress, tell them, or if they smell good, tell them, if you are amazed at how they handle a conflict, tell them, if you know they did a kind did, TELL.THEM. Not because you are trying to be nice, but because I think we humans need a lot more obvious TLC in an era where negativity is they way it's "supposed to be". And with people we are close too, we need to level-up in this arena.

Which brings me to the topic of labeling. I categorise a lot, much like most people. Humans evolve with categorisation abilities and tendencies because it helps us process information faster in an overly informed world. But too much of good things really can be bad, I kid you not. A particular labeling category that irks me is one concerning gender. And I will admit that I fall prey to it as well, and I intend to learn to be beyond that. Girls are supposed to be whiny, guys are supposed to be stoic. How many of us daresay we have not poke fun at this stereotype? While fun is good, it also indirectly internalizes it - the scenario of a whingeing indecisive girlfriend, and an impatient-couldn't-care-less boyfriend, because that is the way it is suppose to be. No, it's not. It's the social context we've been brought up in, and while it has tremendous powers, it is built upon us - we can be the change.

Generative labeling. That's how I like to think about labeling, that it's a necessary evil, because we do need to categorise, but we also don't need to let it stop there. What if the labeling helps manage things better? This I think would be essential in areas such as mental disorders where labeling helps us identify what is possibly right, or wrong, but it is to help us work beyond that, and not just slap on a label like it's a death sentence. Or just like in the gender situation, yes a girl may be more whiny, or a guy may be more stoic, but beyond that, the labeling should create positive conversations on how to move away from a one-dimensional labels. "Yea, I'm whining a bit too much when it comes to weather, I'll remember that next time" While we are not on a journey to create perfect, mistake-less humans, I think we can work at a journey towards more authentic people. Yes, we whine sometimes, yes, you label me as a whiner, but yes, you also understand that  I am more than a whiner, and I know you understand that.

Nothing is supposed-to-be. At least I find it very hard to keep to something because it's "like that la". And while it explains my tendency to wreck some of my cooking recipes, it would be nice if people conform yet understand what it means to them personally. Don't la go all deviantly against every single aspect of the society; actually, that's fine, go ahead, but be a rebel with a cause, and hopefully, this cause is humanity.

Or maybe I'm just a (overly) sensitive soul ;)

"hey, don't be too happy ah, sadness will come soon"

When was the last time you felt happy? Like really so happy, so blessed and just plain joy?

Were you also scared? Yes, you can give me the o.O face now.

How is it that a person can be in a midst of so many good things, and still feel scared? Or worse, feel small, and undeserving? Don't know about you, but it used to happen to me quite often. 

Brene Brown called this mechanism "foreboding joy" in her book "Daring Greatly" which basically is one mechanism to avoid the "pain" that we expect to come after feeling so happy. It's how we can actually feel so damn vulnerable when we're happy, that we become so afraid of what happens when we lose it. So, we rather not feel the joy, or we just expect the worse situations, so that when it happens we can say "Hah! I knew it was too good to be true!"

I think one situation that typifies this well enough is one that I have read in a Psychology Today article (still looking for this particular article unfortunately). So this lady has a choice of two suitors, a young man who she is in love and amazingly happy with and another who she likes, is comfortable with and can provide her with all the necessities for a good life. When she had to choose, she choose the latter. The researcher probe for her reason, and it went something like this "If B walks out of my life one day, I know I can be fine, but I'll be devastated if A ever walked out of my life"

Imagine that, the possibility of losing someone is enough to stop the possibility of risking the joy that was obvious.

Just like how it's easy for us to say "Oh, I'll definitely choose the person I love, rather than the person who loves me"; when it comes down to actually having to choose, would you dare risk the pain that comes with possible loss?

And that's one possible reason why a lot of us run when things are at its best, because it feels so bloody vulnerable to feel happy. Because society has taught us that happiness is fleeting, we know happiness is fleeting, and "hey, don't be too happy ah, sadness will come soon"

It will come. It HAS to come. Just like how happiness is inevitable, sadness is too. But you know what aches worse than the pain of sadness, disappointment etc? It's knowing that you didn't give happiness the respect it deserved when you had it. You didn't hug tight enough, you held their hands too short, you forgot to say I care, you should have told them I'm sorry. It's madness to live in such regret.

What I've learn? That I am happy, I deserve to be happy no matter how freaking scary it is. I've had many a blessed days this year, and initially, it was so scary to think that this is it, I am actually worth such happiness. I remember one particular incident, when I teared seeing the Trevi Fountain. I was overjoyed to be where I am, and yet so scared that this joy will be taken away the minute I embrace it, and make it mine.

Nowadays, when I feel extremely blessed that it makes me feel so vulnerable, I give thanks. I embrace the blessed feeling by being present as much as I can. It's not easy, seeing that I'm someone who is very much future-oriented, but hey, practice, practice, practice! Yes, scary thoughts still come to my mind, and I've accepted that as the part of my limbic system trying to survive. But no, no more self-sabotaging, it ends as fleeting thoughts. 

I tell myself, I'm surviving, and give happiness the respect it deserved.

EDIT: I have to make clear that in the situation where the lady needs to choose between two suitors, my opinion is not that one is better than the other so we always should go for someone we are amazingly in love with or vice-versa. It's more of the reason for making the choice should be because we want it (i.e. wanting to be with that person) rather than because we don't want the other choice (i.e. don't want to lose the other person thus being with a more "secure" person), at least in my opinion. 

"Yea, that journey wasn't too hard anyway"

Have you ever felt small, unworthy and constantly wondering why our life is not like someone else's? Which almost always sound more amazing than ours when the primitive brain takes over. I know I've felt like that, and it can be a constant struggle to say that mine is enough; without a good or bad judgment but an "enough" that brings inner peace. I think I've mentioned before in one of my previous posts about how so many external stimulation leaves us feeling that we need to respond to each and every one, and when we can't, we feel like we missed out on something which could potentially make us feel so damn awesome. There is a term for this;  FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)  is the hip term that describes the emotions that arise (often negative) when we perceive to be missing out on something that is life-changing (really?).

Though if we give more thought to it, if it's even substantially true that this other person has the most amazing life that you wish you had, what makes us think the process of getting there was anything but NOT amazing? In an era where everything is publicized and taken at face value, the complexity of human beings become very much one-dimensional. Whether it is a FB status (guilty!) or an Instagram photo (double guilty!), we very quickly assume that one facet of this person's life IS the person's life. While there are those who constantly publicize aspects of their life that are more towards the negative end, no one actually prefers downward comparison, so we just brush them of as emo/*insert judging term*.

But when it comes to photos, statuses, words, blog posts *grin* that reflect more positive aspects of life, it's so easy to assume that these come easy to whoever who is posting them. And while technology is convenient, we surprisingly don't document the process of coming to the positive point, making it so much easier to assume that the positive point just happens and that for the rest of us, it should also magically appear so.

When I spoke about this with a couple of people, one thought came to my mind. More than being ungrateful for what we already have, which honestly, if you are sitting here reading this post, it's probably a life loaded with blessings, we are invalidating stories of other individuals. And that makes me uncomfortable, I actually felt sad.

What if I really fought my way to whatever blessed phase in my life, just to have people tell me "Yea, that journey wasn't too hard anyway", I would feel totally ouch. We can argue that what other people perceive of your journey is merely their perspective but I think it's time we all give some credit to hard work, and commitment to the process. Not just judging the end-all which is nothing but what's most obvious to the naked eye. While there's no need to dig into deeper meaning all the time (if curtains are blue, they are blue, not a symbol of the writer's melancholy! =_=), it would be nice to appreciate how technology has made it much easier to see beauty of so many different individuals. And to frame that beauty as something that came through a process, to believe that everyone has a story, rather than to pass judgment wondering why you don't have that beauty.

Here's to being grateful for the beauty you have that is waiting for you to realise (if you have not already), and appreciating the different beauties in life for what it means, and not just what it seems.

"An unexamined life is not worth living"

Or so Socrates said (sorta kinda, nothing sounds nicer than in its original Latin phrase anyway).

We are all called to look for the meaning of our life, or at least that's what a lot of the information we get nowadays tell us. Self-reflect, look within, look for your passion, seek your goal, find your calling, et cetera.

While I would probably be on the proposition of examining, it leaves me perplexed. If I don't examine my life, or if you don't examine your life, does it really lose its worth?
Well, what does "examining" concern? And what is "worth" measured by?

What boggles me is, why do we go through all this trouble? Honest to heart, any journey that requires you to look inside, seek something bigger, anything bigger than yourself, is far far away from comfortable. While there is a lot of learning that is accrued over time, sometimes I wonder if the learning is necessary, or do we cari pasal (finding trouble)?

Is it really necessary to continue this discomfort?

I'm growing to embrace it, because it happens to me anyway. I've been told I think too much, seeking too much meaning. Heck, the first thing that pops in my mind when someone tells me something is, "What do you mean?" I like to go underneath, and inside stuff, understanding or at least trying to understand why.

But I know so many people who can live through life not bothered about so much why, or any deeper meaning of any sort, and just take life as it comes. And frankly, they don't seem to be too bothered by the lack of not knowing why. "It just is, what why?"

Maybe I've yet to strike a balance between embracing the now (learning! learning!) and still enjoying the journey of seeking a bigger purpose.

My question is, what's the worth in examining one's life? Why do you seek beyond, or why not?