Living by your own values? Now that is its own set of complications. First, you got to defend your own values whether it is by outright fighting for it, or just living it all out despite the world's mocking. Then you constantly have doubts about whether your values are truly your values, especially when the world seems to be against it. Walking between the lines of being true to your values and idiotic self-righteousness is a constant struggle. Finally, when you fail to live up to your values, or that your values fail you, you only got yourself to own up to. Not the fun-est process huh?
But then comes the day when you feel like you've lived your values authentically and that it has actually contributed to the good you wish to see in your community and life. When all those stars align, it feels like the most amazing thing in the world. Kinda like Life has nudged you in the ribs and go "Yeah baybeh!". Haha.
"Values are principles that hold true because you are willing to accept the sacrifices it incurs and appreciate the goodness it brings"
And that's why we really live for isn't it?
One personal value I that I find constantly creates internal conflict for me is my independence, or autonomy rather. To be honest, my year in UK had taught me that I am a dependent person more than not. In the sense where I need and appreciate having people and good relationships around me. These form the foundations of my support system, or the core of who I am and a safety base. But, they are not my walking stick(s). This is where I appreciate autonomy, a lot of it, leading me to be opinionated more than not. While I don't see myself to be extremely opinionated compared to the general population, when it comes to things that I have strong opinions, it is of intense flavour. I can respect the opinions of others and understand that each person has reasons for their values. The boundary is when people want me to conform to their values, without considering if it would help me grow a better person but more of because that is the way it's the suppose to be or worse, because "like that la". That is the worst excuse. ever. It's like asking your parents as a kid why you can't do something and getting the answer "Because I'm your dad/mum". It's a silly excuse. Use it once or twice because parents' power is awesome, but more than that, it's silly. My parents rarely did that, I can't recall any off my head, which could explain the sense of autonomy I built over the years. I am usually either given a proper explanation, or I get to choose what I want to do with my justification accepted.
Nonetheless, being born with double X genes, this level of independence is frowned upon in many cultures. I don't deny that it could be due to the way I manifest it (which is what I'm constantly working on, really) but it is more often welcomed with a you-should-tone-it-down rather than a thank-you-for-being-who-you-are. It's less prominent in the workplace for various reasons, but when it comes to human relationships, all the gender cards are played out.
I don't believe in gaining one strength which will offset another (i.e. being independent means not gentle). Just like how I disagree with women empowerment (however thankful I am to radical feminists) that tells us we can be as tough as men. If they can be detached, so can we. If they want to play the game of hot-and-cold, two can play the game. If men can have casual sex and not give two hoots, we will also have casual sex and not give three hoots. The empowered woman is show to be "liberated", doing everything men can do which places us equal with men. And one example of where that got us - the hookup culture. In trying to fight the "evil" we perceive, we become the evil ourselves; like where's the sense in that?
I do however believe that we are all blessed by God with different strengths, certain strengths more core to one gender than the other. And that we are complementary for the greater good rather than competing against each other. There's so much in a lady which can be a strength yet often seen as a weakness. No, I won't be able to hold back my tears in a situation that provoke it while my male buddy may be able to hold it alright. Yes, I'll be able to cry, go to sleep, wake up tomorrow morning and do even better. And that's my strength, if not as a woman, then as a human being. Similarly, there are ways of manipulating these "weaknesses" to get what you want. One of the more degrading comments is that independent ladies are not stupid enough, and therefore you can't get the men, and women hate you. In the recent weeks, the term "leftover women" have been coined in China. Basically, women cannot be too smart (now I'm doomed because I have a MSc.). But it is precisely knowing that how manipulative "acting stupid" can be that I consciously choose not to do it.
So, while I appreciate my independence and autonomy accompanied by solitude, I definitely need my dosage of connections, preferably over good coffee. Yet, it is key for women need to show their dependency in society's terms, otherwise it's not womanly. Just because I don't expect to be saved all the time doesn't mean I don't need saving. Isn't it way sexier to know that a woman is with you because she needs and wants you, rather than just needing you and will shrivel to death once you leave?
I believe men and women should be respected equally in relationships for who they are and I still appreciate traditional notions of chivalry. While I don't expect to be saved all the time, I appreciate a man who offers to carry my heavy luggage across the train station. Similarly, if my hands are empty, and my male buddy is carrying loads of stuff, I expect myself to offer help rather than maintain a "I'm-a-lady-I-don't-do-heavy" attitude. It's just a nice thing to do. But apparently, that's not a smart thing to do because you end up a doormat where people take advantage of you all the time, or perceived as overtly independent and therefore scaring all potential people away. Can you just imagine the power of trying to be nice to a fellow human and this happens?
Unfortunately, if measured by society's standards, my values as manifested by the behaviours I mentioned leaves me at a "disadvantage". And sometimes I complain, sometimes I feel defeated, sometimes I don't think it's fair that by being true to myself means living by the periphery of society (at least in this arena). I am still in between deciding if it is me living authentically by my values or just being young and stupid wanting to rebel against the world. Either way, I know I'll be learning something, a lot of somethings.
Right this current moment, I cannot see myself not living those values. I want to live those values. I'm not too sure about changing the world, but I'm sure about being the change you want to see. And in those tons of times when I see the values leaving me desolated, the few times I've seen the stars align for me is good enough for me to know that I'll continue living these values.
One personal value I that I find constantly creates internal conflict for me is my independence, or autonomy rather. To be honest, my year in UK had taught me that I am a dependent person more than not. In the sense where I need and appreciate having people and good relationships around me. These form the foundations of my support system, or the core of who I am and a safety base. But, they are not my walking stick(s). This is where I appreciate autonomy, a lot of it, leading me to be opinionated more than not. While I don't see myself to be extremely opinionated compared to the general population, when it comes to things that I have strong opinions, it is of intense flavour. I can respect the opinions of others and understand that each person has reasons for their values. The boundary is when people want me to conform to their values, without considering if it would help me grow a better person but more of because that is the way it's the suppose to be or worse, because "like that la". That is the worst excuse. ever. It's like asking your parents as a kid why you can't do something and getting the answer "Because I'm your dad/mum". It's a silly excuse. Use it once or twice because parents' power is awesome, but more than that, it's silly. My parents rarely did that, I can't recall any off my head, which could explain the sense of autonomy I built over the years. I am usually either given a proper explanation, or I get to choose what I want to do with my justification accepted.
Nonetheless, being born with double X genes, this level of independence is frowned upon in many cultures. I don't deny that it could be due to the way I manifest it (which is what I'm constantly working on, really) but it is more often welcomed with a you-should-tone-it-down rather than a thank-you-for-being-who-you-are. It's less prominent in the workplace for various reasons, but when it comes to human relationships, all the gender cards are played out.
I don't believe in gaining one strength which will offset another (i.e. being independent means not gentle). Just like how I disagree with women empowerment (however thankful I am to radical feminists) that tells us we can be as tough as men. If they can be detached, so can we. If they want to play the game of hot-and-cold, two can play the game. If men can have casual sex and not give two hoots, we will also have casual sex and not give three hoots. The empowered woman is show to be "liberated", doing everything men can do which places us equal with men. And one example of where that got us - the hookup culture. In trying to fight the "evil" we perceive, we become the evil ourselves; like where's the sense in that?
I do however believe that we are all blessed by God with different strengths, certain strengths more core to one gender than the other. And that we are complementary for the greater good rather than competing against each other. There's so much in a lady which can be a strength yet often seen as a weakness. No, I won't be able to hold back my tears in a situation that provoke it while my male buddy may be able to hold it alright. Yes, I'll be able to cry, go to sleep, wake up tomorrow morning and do even better. And that's my strength, if not as a woman, then as a human being. Similarly, there are ways of manipulating these "weaknesses" to get what you want. One of the more degrading comments is that independent ladies are not stupid enough, and therefore you can't get the men, and women hate you. In the recent weeks, the term "leftover women" have been coined in China. Basically, women cannot be too smart (now I'm doomed because I have a MSc.). But it is precisely knowing that how manipulative "acting stupid" can be that I consciously choose not to do it.
So, while I appreciate my independence and autonomy accompanied by solitude, I definitely need my dosage of connections, preferably over good coffee. Yet, it is key for women need to show their dependency in society's terms, otherwise it's not womanly. Just because I don't expect to be saved all the time doesn't mean I don't need saving. Isn't it way sexier to know that a woman is with you because she needs and wants you, rather than just needing you and will shrivel to death once you leave?
I believe men and women should be respected equally in relationships for who they are and I still appreciate traditional notions of chivalry. While I don't expect to be saved all the time, I appreciate a man who offers to carry my heavy luggage across the train station. Similarly, if my hands are empty, and my male buddy is carrying loads of stuff, I expect myself to offer help rather than maintain a "I'm-a-lady-I-don't-do-heavy" attitude. It's just a nice thing to do. But apparently, that's not a smart thing to do because you end up a doormat where people take advantage of you all the time, or perceived as overtly independent and therefore scaring all potential people away. Can you just imagine the power of trying to be nice to a fellow human and this happens?
Unfortunately, if measured by society's standards, my values as manifested by the behaviours I mentioned leaves me at a "disadvantage". And sometimes I complain, sometimes I feel defeated, sometimes I don't think it's fair that by being true to myself means living by the periphery of society (at least in this arena). I am still in between deciding if it is me living authentically by my values or just being young and stupid wanting to rebel against the world. Either way, I know I'll be learning something, a lot of somethings.
Right this current moment, I cannot see myself not living those values. I want to live those values. I'm not too sure about changing the world, but I'm sure about being the change you want to see. And in those tons of times when I see the values leaving me desolated, the few times I've seen the stars align for me is good enough for me to know that I'll continue living these values.
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