It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It.

Familiar statement? In my experience, the ladies in my life tend to use it against their men hahahahaha.

Read this.

I qualify my thoughts. A lot. It's like I have an imaginary 'backspace' button in my mind and I tap on it every time I formulate and verbalise my thoughts. As mentioned in the article, it can be a linguistic strategy to allow for input of other ideas - a key reason why I speak like how I speak.

However, in trying to cover all bases, it can make one's idea seem tentative and weak, at least according to the article. Recently as well, a thought bloomed and inspired by a conversation with a friend, speaking how I speak can also create the impression of one being impersonal. It's something that has never came upon me, but something so glaringly interesting.

I guess it boils down to sounding like a know-it-all and/or defensive. I mean, it really is a thin line between sounding like that and sounding informed. Plus, not being that straight-forward or beating round the bush does seem to magnify the lack of closeness in a relationship doesn't it?

So it does seem like more than what you say, it's how you say it that influences the perception of the receiver. While I don't suppose I'll do a major haul of my linguistic strategies just yet, I think this is one reminder that how we say something, can really make an impact on how the message gets through.

Behind the Screen VS In Front of People

One of the things I've been doing with all the time I've been blessed with the last few months is to take on some online courses. Partially for self-interest, partially to better my skills. And it was free, so all the better.
With Coursera, I took two courses; Social Network Analysis and A History of the World Since 1300. The format of it was a weekly lecture video, mini-assignments and then larger assignments that can span across weeks. This differs depending on the subject. On top of that, there are discussion forums between students and the lecturers. Also, with the Social Network Analysis class for example, it is made more interesting with extra videos speaking to network analysis experts (i.e. LinkedIn) just so students can further understand the application of the courses.

I enjoyed the courses very much, but I didn't finish the courses. Save for the holidays in between and a lack of discipline, what made me not finish them? Here are some factors I think affect a person's motivation to study an area.

Interest? Checked.

Convenience/ Accesibility? Checked.

Available support? Checked.

No financial concerns? Checked.

Reflecting on it, I think it might be because the lack of a learning environment. The not-used-to being in class with "so many people" around the world yet you are one learner behind the screen. Though there was all the time given in the world for you to take the discipline and do what you're interested in to do, not being in a class environment really does make a huge difference in my motivation. We all have different learning styles yet I think to be able to have a banter with someone(s) regarding something you've learnt really does keep one motivated and discipline. It could be replicated with the discussion forums, but in my opinion, still largely different, at least for me personally. To be able to see, feel, and realise that relationships are going on around you, to feel connections actually happening - connections between people, knowledge and each other - maybe that's the key.

Perhaps that is where the value of education lies. Making us, and to some extent forcing us to meet those we would not have met when you are behind a computer screen. It's possible to stay unknown a whole three years of undergraduate, but it is also significantly harder to do so. Harder to not notice the person that asks you a question, hard to not notice the person who seems to answer your question when you show a blur face.

There are so many exploitation to education nowadays (i.e. this video) and the education world is seeing significant good changes. We are all leveraging on technology to help make education more accessible and more holistic. Yet, are we helping the humanistic changes of it? Are our abilities to learn made easier due to all these technology or are convenience and accessibility overriding the true essence of learning between a teacher and student because of this real-time relationship?

I'm not sure. But I'm still willing to give it a shot. Have signed up for another course on Coursera - Personal Financial Planning, so let's hope I'll stick through this time. Let me know if you decide to join a course!

The Girl You Left Behind - Jojo Moyes

"That is why I don' t like having too much stuff. When i was in the shelter people was always nicking it. Didn't matter where you leave it - under your bed, in your locker - they'll wait till you was going out, and then they'd just take it. It got you so's you didn't want to go out, just for fear of of losing your stuff. Imagine that.
Imagine what?
What you lose. Just trying to hang on to a few bits."

I  am usually not the biggest fan of romance at the core of stories (Shopaholic ugh), but I really liked this one. While it covers the usual typical essence of romance stories - the guy you met out of the way, the girl dealing with vulnerability, them being challenged to trust each other and the likes. It also speaks about knowing what to hold on and let go, and most importantly when. 

The core of the story tells about a painting with a story from 100 years ago, and is told in parallel with how the painting affects another love story 100 years later (no they are not descendants of the painting's couple, which makes it more interesting). I like this parallel story telling thing. So it's essentially two different love stories in alignment with each other, this continuity style really rocks my socks. 

Compared to the other books I've been reading, I would consider this pretty light-hearted stuff. A much welcomed change really. I am also fond of stories where it emphasizes a certain stubbornness and strength in its female characters (projection? =P) and this was much reflected especially in the story of the painting's owner. The other theme I've noticed in the books I've been reading is the dilemma between standing your principles and values in times of desperation. And these are not sleazy people mind you; these are people who would fight their values to the bloody end. But when it comes to situations of extreme need, especially survival of those they love, everything becomes grey, and it think that got me thinking about our humanness. About how it is so easy for us to judge a person who has not keep to the values they promised, yet we have not been put in that same position which requires that amount of conflict. Maybe we would have made the same compromise.

Oh oh, and the story also reminds me of the chinese idiom "红颜薄命" (Hóngyán bómìng) which basically means, "pretty face, bad fate". Knowing the Chinese culture, we put, or at least try to put a reason to everything, whether or not it makes sense. Haha. In this story. the lady of the painting, Sophie reminds me exactly of this idiom - her pretty face brought her a bad fate, though it the end, it's hard to say whether the fate is bad or good, READ.

And I'm also wondering how many men can forgive their wife who has laid in bed with another men just to save his life?

(http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1339865124l/13637360.jpg)

"All that counts is truth McCaferty," he would say, just before the beer turned his conversation into blather. "Without it you are basically just juggling people's daft ideas," (pg 433)

Uncredited Happiness

Do you believe in happiness?

I should reiterate; do you think you can achieve happiness, however you choose to define "happiness"? Most of the time we assume we are deserving of happiness, and happiness is a privilege yet when it comes down to it, I think most of us find it hard to believe that we can be that happy, especially in the truest, happiest moments.

How many times have we found it annoying, and un-human-like for a person to be happy/optimistic all the time? You know that one chirpy person we all come to know? How on earth does he/she stay on top of that all.the.time?
Why would we question that?
Why would we wonder why someone can stay so Pollyanna-ish?
Why must a person be sad or portray some negative emotion to be considered "human"?
Why do we even wonder about things like that if we believe we can be truly happy all.the.time?

And. What have we done as a fellow human to deserve to see the inch of vulnerability from these people (should we expect to see it) other than prod at their unbelievable happiness?

I like the excerpt below:

“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It's more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.” 
― Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

Finally, a question for myself and whoever interested, can we really believe in others happiness, if we don't believe ourselves to be happy?

The Kitchen God's Wife - Amy Tan

"Isn't that how it is when you must decide with your heart? You are not just choosing one thing over another. You are choosing what you want. And you are also choosing what somebody else does not want, and all the consequences that follow. You can tell yourself that's not your problem, but those words do not wash the trouble away. Maybe it is no longer a problem in your life. But it is always problem in your heart. And I can tell you, that afternoon, when I knew what I wanted, I cried, just like a child who cannot explain why she is crying." (pg. 360)

That paragraph was the reason I bought the book, found it on someone else' Tumblr I think? Initially I thought the context revolves around to lovers (sounds very Nicholas Sparks, no?) but when I found out it was between her freedom and her father's life, those sentences just sound more powerful than ever.

So what do I think about the book? Morbid. Melancholic. If you have books like Cecelia Ahern's that teach about life and hope in a more jolly way, this would be a the opposite end of the spectrum. It is so sad omaigawd.

The story revolves around secrets, white lies and stories. It's about an old lady telling her daughter her whole life story, particularly as a lady growing up in traditional China and now she is a first generation Chinese immigrant to America, and her second-generation daughter does not understand her ways. As usual, this would mean evoking strong memories, untold stories that are shocking. Honestly, the melancholic details of her life seriously makes the book a sad read, not to mention the vivid details of a husband's evilness, rape, betrayal of family etc. Reading the details made me really concerned that I would get nightmares. It's one reason why I finished the book in 3 days, my quickest by far; though I have to admit the story line does attract me to want to know what's next, and when on earth is everything going to actually be okay. Ultimately though, this is a story of hope cannot exist without despair. That even in the darkest of all times, there is always, always hope. But her hope is construed in a different way:
"For the rest of the war, I lived a life without hope. But without hope, I no longer despaired. I no longer fought against my marriage. Yet, I did not accept it either. That was my life, everything always in between - without hope, yet without despair; without resistance, yet without acceptance. So you see, weak and strong."
Is that hope, or no hope or somewhere in between? I can't decide really.

What I really liked about the story was how it suggests that the stories we hear determine our beliefs. In ancient China, given that ladies are of the lowest status, what you know is what everyone tells you. Because you believe the stories are all sad, you expect your story to be sad as well. Isn't that what our life is? We are influenced by the stories around us, whether we like it or not, whether we realise it or not. And it's not till we are aware how these stories are shaping our beliefs and attitudes that we realise, we can rewrite stories, write our own stories. I think that's one of the most powerful messages in the story.

All in all, it's an interesting story akin to something of a thriller and mystery but unfolding between Chinese ladies walking in-between culture, family, past, present and future.

(Image source: http://cache0.bdcdn.net/assets/images/book/medium/9780/0071/9780007179978.jpg)

"I thought to myself, this is not being grateful, this is an excuse! The same kind of reasoning people used in China. Looking at someone else's misery so you would no longer have to think about your problems. Why you should compare your life that way? The kind of thinking only makes you afraid. You are only thinking what more you can lose, not hoping for something better. If I had thought this way in China, then I would still be there. Because I saw many, many with lives worse than my own." (pg. 332)

Shortum #4: The Courage after Courage

Do it. Say it. But I'm scared. Maybe another time. What if I get so embarassed? Last time, I tried, I felt like a total loser. This time it will be impossible to get over it. No way.

20 seconds of insane courage.

To throw in the application form.

To utter the words you've been meaning to say.

To accept they have changed.

To say "No".

To drive a different route.

To believe you can be someone else.

Oh, the things in life that need such courage.

And the courage to continue such courage.

Grit

Commitment

Faith

Compassion

Believe

and above all, Love. 

Shortum #3: Soft-shelled Crab

She walks by the beach,

Two steps forward one step back,

Three steps to the front,

Softness beneath the feet, softness of a soft-shell crab.

Knees to the ground,

Feeling the gritty wet sand

while the sea feels the hem of her long skirt,

Translucent, raw, real,

Of bits of shell left behind,

Of color spots of a new growing shell,

Exposing all the rawness of an in between

that is not here but getting there.

Touch and it was cold,

But inside glimmers of true hope,

A beating heart encased within what vulnerable skin,

One large whoosh and it rides the waves,

A place that feels like belonging.

She walked by the beach, 

Two steps forward one step backwards.

Each step after, feels like hope.

Fellow Lions

"I don't care about what you think, mister!"

I read the above article 3 times. Simply because the first time I read it, I cringed. I've never been a big fan of articles that advocate this form of individualism. While I am a huge advocate of autonomy and independence,   often people end up using their privilege of individualism to be, forgive my language, an ass. Why I've read this article 3 times was because I was trying to avoid my confirmation bias and prejudice towards such articles . And after reading it the third time, I think I have a more balance and mild impression towards the article.

First off, I must agree that approval-seeking is draining, waste time, someone will always hate you and you can't control what they think. If there's anything 23 years of life has taught me is that external voices will eat you up from the inside if you give them total control. So in that sense, approval-seeking is as the article say, unneccessary.

Then, there are those who equate approval-seeking with taking into consideration what people are saying, because in some way, if we ask someone else for their opinion, it means we are giving them a chance to have a say in what we do - similar to approval seeking. But it's not. and I assure you it is not.

"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others more than a lion needs approval of sheep" -Vernon Howard-

But what about fellow lions? I'm not sure why the author compared lions to sheep, because one eats the other, and even if they don't the whole sentence reeks of superiority. And that's why it's easy to become an ass. Because you think you are better than others thus you stand alone, and no one will ever understand you. Insert scene of man in cowboy hat sitting on a rock with gusts of wind blowing. all. alone.

More than that,  there is a distinct mention of not to care what others think. Unless you are like Steve Jobs who managed to get away with being an ass and still be idolized, people will matter, one point or another. It's not a coincidence that the regrets of most people on their death bed revolve around relationships. I've wrote about something similar to this in a different blog, specifically in terms of leadership.

Yes, at one point or another, you will need to stand up for what you believe in. And yes, you might be standing all alone with eyes glaring at you for being a menace, eyes pleading you to sit down instead of bringing  all this "shame" - eyes that judge. At that precise moment, just one pair of eyes that gleams at your courage to stand up could make it all worth it. Eyes that understand. Will it be a pair of eyes of a sheep? a fellow lion? or anyone like or unlike you? I don't know. What I know is, at that point, people will matter. You can go on your rocky road, and you should because you started it. But when it comes to some pothole quicksand, having a hand really makes it easier to get out.

So don't seek approval. Seek the words of those who have the interest of your heart. Got energy? Expend it to seek approval from yourself FIRST of all, but not only you, some might have interesting stuff to say as well ;)

Hence, Mojito

What makes you want to self-disclose to someone? Whether it is someone you just met, or someone you've known for eons? A healthy level of self-disclosure is usually necessary for growth of the individual and their relationships, at least as pointed by evidence in psychological research. Hence, you can understand why psychologists are so keen to find out what factors encourage a good level of self-disclosure, you know so we are all having good relationships and can be happy. Haha.

To be fair, self disclosure can be the most easy thing in the world, yet can also be the most challenging to others. I fall in the latter category. I share like mini-bite-size pieces over time, it tests the patience of a lot of those around me. Part of me use to do it as a testing strategy, to see if the effort is worth investing into a relationship. I will admit that that is a rather cynical way of seeing life, and that my concept of trust is that it has to be earned, not something given out freely, at least not all of it. Then I realised that self-disclosure is necessary on my part if I were to keep some vital relationships in my life, and thus I scooted over to the other end where I consciously reminded myself that I need to share more. That sharing more = better relationships. And yet, I still felt uncomfortable. I did consider for a while that it is the discomfort that comes with change, you know, trying new things, thus feeling a bit out of place. But it soon dawned upon me that the discomfort is simply because this is not how I really want to share parts of my life. This is not how I feel authentic. But like a friend said, in learning something new, we usually oscillate between two extremes before finding a point in the middle we can be comfortable with.

So anyway, the whole point of telling the above story is that over the years, people have come up with various methods of trying to get me to self-disclose more. Note, there was no aggression or forcing here, just wonky ideas my friends come up with. And quite a few of them suggest alcohol, because well, alcohol tends to reduce inhibition in our pre-frontal cortex which leads us to do stuff we usually wouldn't do, say hugging random cars HAHA (I did not do that). I have to admit it does work, drinking alcohol does lead one to reduce inhibition and do silly stuff and say silly stuff. The very act of being silly together leads to a certain level of closeness because you strip off some socially obligatory masks, you are real, or seem real.

But that's my point. Under the influence of an external substance often accompanied by bright lights, loud music, how real can real be? Is it really that our true self are only let loose with external help? Why is it that in sunshine, in light good enough to make out the details of the other person's face, do we choose to hide? The alcohol is not empowering, it's just enabling. And relying on alcohol to help take your mask off every time just won't cut it, not for me at least.

Get drunk on life instead. Lest you think I'm being disgustingly Pollyanna-ish, both drinking and having good conversations (especially those with tons of laughters) release the feel-good hormones known as endorphins (it's not a simple causal effect, but essentially endorphins exert a large influence to make us feel good). How many times have you caught yourself saying you feel high even though you are obviously not under the influence of any external substance that could have induced a large change in your biological system? Remember the great conversation over coffee? Or the late nights at mamak? So maybe teh tarik had a bit too much sugar, but ultimately, it's being with people you feel mutually comfortable with that leads you to want to take your mask off, without downing tons of teh tarik. 

In the recent year, I have been blessed with such situations. Where I feel comfortable enough to share who I am, and they feel comfortable to let me glimpse into their lives.

I've drank tons of mojito in those kinda cases; life's mojito.

VALifeUES

If there is one thing more difficult to deal with than living by someone else's values, it is living by your own values. It is easier to live by others' values because if and when things go wrong, there is someone to blame for the deed. Doesn't matter if they don't take the blame, just simply knowing that there is someone else to blame other than yourself gives an odd sense of comfort.

Living by your own values? Now that is its own set of complications. First, you got to defend your own values whether it is by outright fighting for it, or just living it all out despite the world's mocking. Then you constantly have doubts about whether your values are truly your values, especially when the world seems to be against it. Walking between the lines of being true to your values and idiotic self-righteousness is a constant struggle. Finally, when you fail to live up to your values, or that your values fail you, you only got yourself to own up to. Not the fun-est process huh?

But then comes the day when you feel like you've lived your values authentically and that it has actually contributed to the good you wish to see in your community and life. When all those stars align, it feels like the most amazing thing in the world. Kinda like Life has nudged you in the ribs and go "Yeah baybeh!". Haha.

"Values are principles that hold true because you are willing to accept the sacrifices it incurs and appreciate the goodness it brings"

And that's why we really live for isn't it?

One personal value I that I find constantly creates internal conflict for me is my independence, or autonomy rather. To be honest, my year in UK had taught me that I am a dependent person more than not. In the sense where I need and appreciate having people and good relationships around me. These form the foundations of my support system, or the core of who I am and a safety base. But, they are not my walking stick(s). This is where I appreciate autonomy, a lot of it, leading me to be opinionated more than not. While I don't see myself to be extremely opinionated compared to the general population, when it comes to things that I have strong opinions, it is of intense flavour. I can respect the opinions of others and understand that each person has reasons for their values. The boundary is when people want me to conform to their values, without considering if it would help me grow a better person but more of because that is the way it's the suppose to be or worse, because "like that la". That is the worst excuse. ever. It's like asking your parents as a kid why you can't do something and getting the answer "Because I'm your dad/mum". It's a silly excuse. Use it once or twice because parents' power is awesome, but more than that, it's silly. My parents rarely did that, I can't recall any off my head, which could explain the sense of autonomy I built over the years. I am usually either given a proper explanation, or I get to choose what I want to do with my justification accepted.

Nonetheless, being born with double X genes, this level of independence is frowned upon in many cultures. I don't deny that it could be due to the way I manifest it (which is what I'm constantly working on, really) but it is more often welcomed with a you-should-tone-it-down rather than a thank-you-for-being-who-you-are. It's less prominent in the workplace for various reasons, but when it comes to human relationships, all the gender cards are played out.

I don't believe in gaining one strength which will offset another (i.e. being independent means not gentle). Just like how I disagree with women empowerment (however thankful I am to radical feminists) that tells us we can be as tough as men. If they can be detached, so can we. If they want to play the game of hot-and-cold, two can play the game. If men can have casual sex and not give two hoots, we will also have casual sex and not give three hoots. The empowered woman is show to be "liberated", doing everything men can do which places us equal with men. And one example of where that got us - the hookup culture. In trying to fight the "evil" we perceive, we become the evil ourselves; like where's the sense in that?

I do however believe that we are all blessed by God with different strengths, certain strengths more core to one gender than the other. And that we are complementary for the greater good rather than competing against each other. There's so much in a lady which can be a strength yet often seen as a weakness. No, I won't be able to hold back my tears in a situation that provoke it while my male buddy may be able to hold it alright. Yes, I'll be able to cry, go to sleep, wake up tomorrow morning and do even better. And that's my strength, if not as a woman, then as a human being. Similarly, there are ways of manipulating these "weaknesses" to get what you want. One of the more degrading comments is that independent ladies are not stupid enough, and therefore you can't get the men, and women hate you. In the recent weeks, the term "leftover women" have been coined in China. Basically, women cannot be too smart (now I'm doomed because I have a MSc.). But it is precisely knowing that how manipulative "acting stupid" can be that I consciously choose not to do it.

So,  while I appreciate my independence and autonomy accompanied by solitude, I definitely need my dosage of connections, preferably over good coffee. Yet, it is key for women need to show their dependency in society's terms, otherwise it's not womanly. Just because I don't expect to be saved all the time doesn't mean I don't need saving. Isn't it way sexier to know that a woman is with you because she needs and wants you, rather than just needing you and will shrivel to death once you leave?

I believe men and women should be respected equally in relationships for who they are and I still appreciate traditional notions of chivalry. While I don't expect to be saved all the time, I appreciate a man who offers to carry my heavy luggage across the train station. Similarly, if my hands are empty, and my male buddy is carrying loads of stuff, I expect myself to offer help rather than maintain a "I'm-a-lady-I-don't-do-heavy" attitude. It's just a nice thing to do. But apparently, that's not a smart thing to do because you end up a doormat where people take advantage of you all the time, or perceived as overtly independent and therefore scaring all potential people away. Can you just imagine the power of trying to be nice to a fellow human and this happens?

Unfortunately, if measured by society's standards, my values as manifested by the behaviours I mentioned leaves me at a "disadvantage". And sometimes I complain, sometimes I feel defeated, sometimes I don't think it's fair that by being true to myself means living by the periphery of society (at least in this arena). I am still in between deciding if it is me living authentically by my values or just being young and stupid wanting to rebel against the world. Either way, I know I'll be learning something, a lot of somethings.

Right this current moment, I cannot see myself not living those values. I want to live those values. I'm not too sure about changing the world, but I'm sure about being the change you want to see. And in those tons of times when I see the values leaving me desolated, the few times I've seen the stars align for me is good enough for me to know that I'll continue living these values. 

Honestly, well...

Be honest. That's something we're taught since young. You would think that as we get older, it should be easier given the years it's been ingrained in us. But really, it doesn't get any easier, if anything it gets harder (maybe it's something to do with lack of practice, haha).

I'll list three situations where I believe honesty is the best policy, yet leaves me personally cringing when I have to deal with it.

Asking questions
It's not so much asking questions in a lecture hall of 250 people. In such situation, I think the lecturer is probably cringing more than I am, haha. I'm talking about a one-to-one situation. Just you and the other person. And it usually involves clearing some sort of ambiguity that has been troubling you, though it can also be general questions about happy times. Plus it would involve asking open-ended questions. "We are okay, right?" is not open, that is trying to get a validation of your own expectation. But asking something by the lines of "What do you think about us now?" is giving total control to the other person to answer anything from what you expect to something totally diverted to no answer. That moment-to-moment unfolding of each phrase of your question to that moment filled with silence of thinking to the moment they open their mouth and you know they have some answer - you just don't know what the answer will be like, or how you'll react to the answer. Just the thought of such confrontations leaves me clambering for my duvet. And personal advice, don't do it in a moving car, you might feel very tempted to open the car door and jump out, haha. Though I would say it's the best strategy if you want a captured audience.

Giving compliments
You would think this would be done snap-snap. Na-uh, not for me at least. I remember early this year in Starbucks where I was waiting for my takeaway coffee at the collection table. There was this other lady who came after me and was waiting for her coffee, and she had crazy gorgeous eyes. They were the most smiley eyes I ever saw. And she was very polite too, we didn't make conversation but she would always smile back whenever we happen to make eye contact. So my mocha came, and whaddya know she ordered mocha too, so she was about to take it (I think she was just being blur, not mean in cutting queues) but when she realised it was mine, she said sorry and smiled back. At that moment, I couldn't resist but compliment her on her eyes. "You have very beautiful eyes". I could barely say it without resisting to look away, yet I really feel I should to let her know. A genuine compliment always makes a person's day. She was quite taken aback (maybe she thought I was hitting on her) but smiled anyway, a giggle actually while I took my takeaway coffee and scurried off.
But giving someone a compliment made me feel good. Yet, it doesn't make it any easier the next time I wanted to compliment someone, guy or girl about something I feel genuinely they should know. Especially face-to-face. And I think I totally get how dudes find it difficult to be honest with a lady, or just chat her up. Definitely require guts. Maybe an exit plan in a form of takeaway coffee could help with the guts? Haha

Saying sorry/ Owning up
Even when I'm wrong, even when I really really want to say sorry. It's challenging to look a person in the eye and say, I'm sorry, I screwed up. Especially when I don't know exactly what made me screw up, and there's nothing I can do in the present moment to make up for the mess. Total guiltball. To look at a person's disappointed or sad look, and know you can't do anything for now, that really sucks. And seeing their conflict of willing to forgive you anyway, yet they can't deny they are sad about it. Look away, look away. But a genuine sorry eye-to-eye really means a lot. Even amidst the discomfort of silence that fill the moments as you let them process the situation. It is not the same over any other media. Because if not done well, you walk away feeling like a bigger loser than when you actually make the mistake since you can't even do the very least of a genuine sorry.

I think what lies beneath these situations that make them so simple yet so difficult, is our vulnerability.

Whether it is the vulnerability of giving someone the reins to answer a question that might break your ego,
or the vulnerability of being nice to someone and they give you a o.O look,
or the vulnerability of admitting to yourself more than anyone else that you wronged someone that means something to you.

These require massive courage, for us to realise that for once, let's not make it about ourselves, particularly our ego. An ego that is constructed from years of self-perpetuating dishonesty cycles, from a society that sometimes value running away as the easier option, from your self-beliefs that people's reaction make you. It could influence you, but no one makes you more than you.

When there is no courage, often, silence happens. And it's not the sort of peaceful silence that is rare. It's the kind of silence that haunts us on deathbeds, in confessions, over a glass of wine and regret. Yet we find ourselves asking "What would you say if you know no one can hear you?".

I ask; "What would you say if you know someone can hear you, and know that the someone chooses to understand?"

Shortum #2: Star-Shaped Scar

Tomorrow,

don't tell someone that they are the star of your heart,

tell them about the star-shaped scar in your heart

Tell them that one point of the star which was caused by anger, 

the kind of anger that boils your emotions so strongly,

no words were uttered

Tell them the other point that looks shorter than the rest,

for it was carved the time you feel the smallest in your life

Tell them the point that follows the southeast on a compass,

a time when you were lost in life, and took a wrong turn at sea

Tell them the fourth point, the most deeply-etched one,

the one from your fourth love who was your first love

and therefore the deepest love

Tell them the last point,

the one that if they look hard enough

"is the second to the right"

and takes them straight on to your heart till morning

Tomorrow,

tell the star of your heart the scars in your heart.