It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It.

Familiar statement? In my experience, the ladies in my life tend to use it against their men hahahahaha.

Read this.

I qualify my thoughts. A lot. It's like I have an imaginary 'backspace' button in my mind and I tap on it every time I formulate and verbalise my thoughts. As mentioned in the article, it can be a linguistic strategy to allow for input of other ideas - a key reason why I speak like how I speak.

However, in trying to cover all bases, it can make one's idea seem tentative and weak, at least according to the article. Recently as well, a thought bloomed and inspired by a conversation with a friend, speaking how I speak can also create the impression of one being impersonal. It's something that has never came upon me, but something so glaringly interesting.

I guess it boils down to sounding like a know-it-all and/or defensive. I mean, it really is a thin line between sounding like that and sounding informed. Plus, not being that straight-forward or beating round the bush does seem to magnify the lack of closeness in a relationship doesn't it?

So it does seem like more than what you say, it's how you say it that influences the perception of the receiver. While I don't suppose I'll do a major haul of my linguistic strategies just yet, I think this is one reminder that how we say something, can really make an impact on how the message gets through.

To Be Continued...

Sometimes I'm so fixated on the now, how horrible it is now, how uncomfortable, how I don't want to be here. How now sucks (full stop).

And then I am reminded of the past, and the possible future. How I have thrived in the past, the good-bad-funny memories.
And also of the future. How it is so uncertain, but if anything that just means it can be bad...or good. And good is well, where I hope to be. Hope, that's the key.

There is beauty in continuity.

One of the themes that emerge from my dissertation research on high-quality relationships is that our strongest relatlationship have a past, and have an intention for a possible future. I think that is Life in general, to see it as progress, rather than being stumped like a full-stop cradled by the abyss.

This totally goes against the practice of mindfulness which focuses on the here and now; that only now exists. Jon Kabat-Zinn would totally flip at the statement I just made about the need for continuity, need for a past and future. Actually, he won't flip, he would probably just be aware of his intention to flip but hold it in awareness without judgment, haha. Jokes jokes. I'm still new to meditation but learning its principles and practice have made quite the difference in my life, so I don't mean to be offensive.

Back to my point. I think remembering life as 'flow' instead of stagnancy helps release us from the fixation of how uncanny life can be at this moment in life. And sometimes, we just need to travel through time (or possible time) to fuel that sliver of hope and faith.

That does not mean that now is not important, without a now, back then and after that would cease to exist. Even if they do exist, there cease to be meaning because you are always looking to get somewhere else other than the only place your are in, right now. Why 'time traveling' of this sort is risky is because of our expectation for now to to be back then, and to be repeated in after that. This will never happen. ever. It is when we attempt to replicate the exact situation of the past in the present or the future that time travel becomes suffering, now is seen as a holding place, a temporary prison, a bus stop where you are fidgeting looking at your watch waiting to be where after that is, hopefully an after that that resembles back then.

That moment back then when you followed your heart, turn around, did the stupidest thing of hugging someone tightly just to found it reciprocated with the best embrace ever? If right now, right. this. moment. you choose to do the same thing, it might happen again. or not. And to expect that doing it now will definitely meet your expectations as it once was will just make you not realise how amazing the current moment of courage is. The moment where you actually want to take another chance, the moment where it's about you having the courage again...not so much the you that is only looking forward to know the consequences of your actions.

Or the most relatable example; how people say no any other time of falling in love is like the first. and it shouldn't be. Don't think we can all go through the craziness 5 times, twice maybe, but more, well hmm. While it could be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to you (and it probably is), it's only the most beautiful compared to itself. Not to any of the love after that. And traveling through time, hoping the feelings or rather, letting the perceptions of the feelings back then colour your now and after that, no one is going to be happy. You. are not going to be happy.

But traveling back then can amount to goodness as well, even if it already happened. In my experience, such exploration can be equated to be flipping back to the dog-eared page of the book you've read, to find the sentence that gave it the dog-ear.....and another sentence that you never realised back then but now light has shine on it. Literally and metaphorically, =)
And perhaps, when it comes to traveling to after that, the little journey can help build "a little bit of hope - hard-earned, well deserved, reasonable" (Life of Pi, Martel, 2012)

So travel. We talk about travelling to all corners of the world, wanderlust for the most gorgeous sights in the world. But what about the prettiest places in our hearts, the corners of stories of our life? Maybe if you need a break from the uncanny now, a short travel to back then and after that might just be the getaway you need. I suggest solitude with coffee or tea.

 And as always, it's important to return safely. Travel safe!

VALifeUES

If there is one thing more difficult to deal with than living by someone else's values, it is living by your own values. It is easier to live by others' values because if and when things go wrong, there is someone to blame for the deed. Doesn't matter if they don't take the blame, just simply knowing that there is someone else to blame other than yourself gives an odd sense of comfort.

Living by your own values? Now that is its own set of complications. First, you got to defend your own values whether it is by outright fighting for it, or just living it all out despite the world's mocking. Then you constantly have doubts about whether your values are truly your values, especially when the world seems to be against it. Walking between the lines of being true to your values and idiotic self-righteousness is a constant struggle. Finally, when you fail to live up to your values, or that your values fail you, you only got yourself to own up to. Not the fun-est process huh?

But then comes the day when you feel like you've lived your values authentically and that it has actually contributed to the good you wish to see in your community and life. When all those stars align, it feels like the most amazing thing in the world. Kinda like Life has nudged you in the ribs and go "Yeah baybeh!". Haha.

"Values are principles that hold true because you are willing to accept the sacrifices it incurs and appreciate the goodness it brings"

And that's why we really live for isn't it?

One personal value I that I find constantly creates internal conflict for me is my independence, or autonomy rather. To be honest, my year in UK had taught me that I am a dependent person more than not. In the sense where I need and appreciate having people and good relationships around me. These form the foundations of my support system, or the core of who I am and a safety base. But, they are not my walking stick(s). This is where I appreciate autonomy, a lot of it, leading me to be opinionated more than not. While I don't see myself to be extremely opinionated compared to the general population, when it comes to things that I have strong opinions, it is of intense flavour. I can respect the opinions of others and understand that each person has reasons for their values. The boundary is when people want me to conform to their values, without considering if it would help me grow a better person but more of because that is the way it's the suppose to be or worse, because "like that la". That is the worst excuse. ever. It's like asking your parents as a kid why you can't do something and getting the answer "Because I'm your dad/mum". It's a silly excuse. Use it once or twice because parents' power is awesome, but more than that, it's silly. My parents rarely did that, I can't recall any off my head, which could explain the sense of autonomy I built over the years. I am usually either given a proper explanation, or I get to choose what I want to do with my justification accepted.

Nonetheless, being born with double X genes, this level of independence is frowned upon in many cultures. I don't deny that it could be due to the way I manifest it (which is what I'm constantly working on, really) but it is more often welcomed with a you-should-tone-it-down rather than a thank-you-for-being-who-you-are. It's less prominent in the workplace for various reasons, but when it comes to human relationships, all the gender cards are played out.

I don't believe in gaining one strength which will offset another (i.e. being independent means not gentle). Just like how I disagree with women empowerment (however thankful I am to radical feminists) that tells us we can be as tough as men. If they can be detached, so can we. If they want to play the game of hot-and-cold, two can play the game. If men can have casual sex and not give two hoots, we will also have casual sex and not give three hoots. The empowered woman is show to be "liberated", doing everything men can do which places us equal with men. And one example of where that got us - the hookup culture. In trying to fight the "evil" we perceive, we become the evil ourselves; like where's the sense in that?

I do however believe that we are all blessed by God with different strengths, certain strengths more core to one gender than the other. And that we are complementary for the greater good rather than competing against each other. There's so much in a lady which can be a strength yet often seen as a weakness. No, I won't be able to hold back my tears in a situation that provoke it while my male buddy may be able to hold it alright. Yes, I'll be able to cry, go to sleep, wake up tomorrow morning and do even better. And that's my strength, if not as a woman, then as a human being. Similarly, there are ways of manipulating these "weaknesses" to get what you want. One of the more degrading comments is that independent ladies are not stupid enough, and therefore you can't get the men, and women hate you. In the recent weeks, the term "leftover women" have been coined in China. Basically, women cannot be too smart (now I'm doomed because I have a MSc.). But it is precisely knowing that how manipulative "acting stupid" can be that I consciously choose not to do it.

So,  while I appreciate my independence and autonomy accompanied by solitude, I definitely need my dosage of connections, preferably over good coffee. Yet, it is key for women need to show their dependency in society's terms, otherwise it's not womanly. Just because I don't expect to be saved all the time doesn't mean I don't need saving. Isn't it way sexier to know that a woman is with you because she needs and wants you, rather than just needing you and will shrivel to death once you leave?

I believe men and women should be respected equally in relationships for who they are and I still appreciate traditional notions of chivalry. While I don't expect to be saved all the time, I appreciate a man who offers to carry my heavy luggage across the train station. Similarly, if my hands are empty, and my male buddy is carrying loads of stuff, I expect myself to offer help rather than maintain a "I'm-a-lady-I-don't-do-heavy" attitude. It's just a nice thing to do. But apparently, that's not a smart thing to do because you end up a doormat where people take advantage of you all the time, or perceived as overtly independent and therefore scaring all potential people away. Can you just imagine the power of trying to be nice to a fellow human and this happens?

Unfortunately, if measured by society's standards, my values as manifested by the behaviours I mentioned leaves me at a "disadvantage". And sometimes I complain, sometimes I feel defeated, sometimes I don't think it's fair that by being true to myself means living by the periphery of society (at least in this arena). I am still in between deciding if it is me living authentically by my values or just being young and stupid wanting to rebel against the world. Either way, I know I'll be learning something, a lot of somethings.

Right this current moment, I cannot see myself not living those values. I want to live those values. I'm not too sure about changing the world, but I'm sure about being the change you want to see. And in those tons of times when I see the values leaving me desolated, the few times I've seen the stars align for me is good enough for me to know that I'll continue living these values. 

The Weight of Stories

If there's one thing I dislike, it's to feel uncomfortable. I am at odds with discomfort. And I define discomfort as an in-between, neither here-not-there interlude situations. It feels much better to be at the starting point before the discomfort happen or right at the end when the discomfort is over. #firstworldproblems?

Add to that the fact that we're in the fastest era yet, to be in a process that takes time is really pushing massive buttons. Especially in relationships, or any connection for that matter. In the video "The Last Part", the core question was "What makes best friends, best friends?" To which one of the answer was "time". Yea, tick-tock-tick-tock, that kind of time. The moment-to-moment, unfolding in its pace kinda time. And as each moment unfolds, it is an empty page for comfort, or discomfort. Or somewhere in between. Which often makes us want to pull our hair out. So how do we deal with it?

Unfortunately, the prominent way of dealing in the culture is to chop-chop-fast-fast. So we just take control of the reins, create the situation we desire and then wait for the other person to react, hopefully in the way we expect. And because life prefer to have its reins, it often does not end up pretty. Hence, the increase of what is called the hook-up culture. Where we all crave connections, but have no idea how to deal with the process of it, we try to "create" the connection as fast as we can, yet end up more disappointed than ever. Read article here and here. 

Floodlighting. That's the term Brene Brown gave to our strategy of shielding vulnerability, in this case, perhaps the vulnerability that arises from the discomfort of not sure where this relationship is going. And mind you, it's between friends, families and any two stranger who are trying to establish something beyond hello-and-goodbye. Floodlighting is that kind of sharing where it soothes our own pain or intents to test loyalty/tolerance or hot-wiring new connection (the kind like in hook-up cultures) or a combination of any of these. In her book, she writes "You can't use vulnerability to discharge your own discomfort, or as a tolerance barometer in a relationship (I'll share this and see if you stick around"), or to fast-forward a relationship - it just won't co-operate" (Daring Greatly, pg. 159). Touche.

Remember the times when someone new, and you're just enjoying the getting-to-know-you process and bam! he or she tells you the sob stories of their entire life and how finding you is their greatest gift. You just met them 15 minutes ago. And yea, love at first sight, well...I'll leave that to you, haha. The point is, while some of us can and do instantly connect, I believe the strongest connections are those that weather through time. What the instant connection gives us is the hope that hey, this could go somewhere and hey, maybe I'm going to give that disconcerting process of making friends a shot. 

With every shield, comes a daring greatly strategy, a sort-of strategy anyway. There's no hard and fast rule to avoid the discomfort and the floodlighting strategy in reaction to the discomfort. But the general idea from her is that we need to practice self-compassion, and that includes sharing boundaries. I love this line "When it comes to vulnerability, connectivity means sharing our stories with people who have earned the right to hear them - people with whom we've cultivated relationships that can bear the weight of our story" (Daring Greatly, pg. 160). That is the single strongest takeaway I took from the book when I read, because I feel pressure all the time to share, even when I don't feel comfortable. But Brene Brown reminds us that boundaries are a form of self-compassion. We are not being defensive. The other idea is that we need to clarify our intentions. In essence, are we genuinely sharing or are we using the sharing for some other manipulative reason? It's hard to draw the line really, though I believe just as no one can question your intention, no one knows your intention best, but your honest self. 

So making connections is discomforting. And whether we floodlight or not, it does not change the fact that with connections come discomfort. Because that's where the gold lies. "The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we sting together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles" (Brown, Daring Greatly, pg.160).

While it feels like sitting in a chair which does not fit you yet, and you're moving about trying to feel comfortable, know that you will find that sweet spot. If not, maybe, just maybe the connection ain't for you. 

In response to what make best friends, best friends, or what makes true friends, true friends?

It is when we can, want and choose to bear the weight of each other's life story throughout our journey together.

Life as Words

Like many people, throughout the years I had projects that I started enthusiastically - some were completed successfully, some fell through the cracks along the way, most are still work in progress. But there is one "project", I don't count it as a project really but more like a part of me. It is one that I've been committed to for the past 10 years including this year - writing a journal. I made it a point to start every year and end every year with a page in my own private journal, so there is one every year which brings to a total of about plus minus 10 journals in different shapes and sizes. Some years the journal pages are bare, some years, one is not even enough.

Like I said, it didn't start so much as a project more than me feeling like I need a place to voice. And believe you me, I am not that extroverted, my thoughts are very much my own, so my journals are my safe place to pick my own brain and heart to say the least. It's been years now, and what all these journal entries provided me are a sense of continuity, a sense of grounding. I don't suggest living in the past, but I do believe in remembering your roots to fly towards the future. I don't read my old journal entries everyday, but when I do, I am reminded of the stories I lived and thrived to. And I guess that's my point here;

Writing is nourishing.

I consider using the term healing, but it's not like a dosage of once a day scribble can automatically take your headache away, though research has shown the benefits of journaling. What I do think is nourishing though, is that when you write, you give voice to your thoughts, you respect it, and you learn to love it for what it is. In a world where everything competes for your attention, sometimes the most important core of ourselves get drowned in these external sources. Writing it on the other hand, tends to empower what is really within you - though admittedly this gets easier with practice. I have to say though, writing my journal sometimes lead to me being caught up with my own perspective of my stories. But if there's anything I've learnt throughout my years of journaling is that if you are true to yourself, and take it as a mirror for you and only you, the real stories get differentiated from those we are told by whatever source that stops us from thriving in our lives. After all, we are only as true as the stories we tell, or the stories we let ourselves believe.

Some people prefer blogs, some people prefer microblogging, but whatever media you choose to empower your thoughts in, the choice is to be with your thoughts, and that could be all that matters. To find a way to release the becoming burden of thoughts on the brain by freeing them into words.
I have an inkling though that if a fire were to break out, and I could save only one possession, it might be my journals, hahaha. As a matter of fact, when asked what are some of the most important possessions in my life, I could really only say two; my phone which I use to communicate with the world, and my journals, which I use to communicate with myself.

That said and done, writing does not have to be about yourself, or your thoughts. It could also be writing about others, or even to others; the latter being something I really advocate. When was the last time you received a snail mail and it's way way more exciting, most importantly heartwarming than the Whatsapp message you can receive within a milisecond? While I don't deny that the beauty of letters is much influenced by its scarcity in this era, I still strongly believe that it will always be classic beauty. A lot of soul goes into writing a letter. Love letters, care letter, hello letters, random letters. It's nourishing both for the person who wrote it, and the person who receives it. Tell me that is not killing two birds with one stone, haha. I must say I've been very blessed in this arena having been given the chances to both be the writer and recipient of letters that breathe soul, which somehow can never be found in any other media. And for a person to actually sit and write a letter, and try to frame their thoughts in relation to another person, I think it really nourishes the connection between them. This video by Hannah Brencher sums it pretty well.

A lot of us presume that writing is something only the most creative can do, and that it's only most valuable when there is some form of creative value attached to it. I strongly beg to differ. I think writing is about the honesty and genuine-ness of thoughts that are now given life as words. 

So if you've not tried writing, give it a shot? Forget about the essays we had to write in high school, the ones where you have to have a paragraph statement, and proper pronouns, adverbs what-nots. Oh and forget the an-inch-from-margin rule as well, just write. "Some of my most honest writing occurs in the twilight zone of walking and sleeping, of feeling, knowing and understanding". I literally typed this sentence into my phone when I was inspired by a 5 a.m. jolt from my sleep. So I daresay, writing is something we all can do, it's not about prettifying words, nor is it about correctness.

It's about you, your thoughts and your words.

P.S: Oh, another way I write, is by writing to my future self. I know that can sound totally weird, but before you freak out, it's just basically trying to create a sense of continuity into the future, and often, to encourage hope. So my letters to future me often involve goals, asking me about how I am in the future, and just giving myself the space to imagine how I want to be at whatever time I am in the future. Personally, it helps me make a commitment within the time space, and often when I receive it in the future, it grounds me and reminds me of all the blessings I had. I don't think there's a correct format for it, it just really is writing a letter to another person, who happens to be yourself. And trust me, you'll more likely smile when you receive the letter than weirded out, haha. For this I use awesome technology which enable you to set when to send the letter such as futureme.org and ohlife.com.

So, you writing tonight?

Money Not Enough

What if money didn't matter?

I came across this video the other day, and the core of the video asks the question above and explains how we should be happy rather than acquiring money. I agree. and disagree. Perhaps its the seemingly extreme-either-or-point-of-view implied by the video, perhaps it's my daftness and lack of experience in the "real working world", but let me explain my perspective.

A friend's comment on the video went something like this "Many will agree, but few will actually take the step to it", it referring to the theme of the video above. I don't think this means anybody at fault, but it does hint at each of us having different priorities, or at least, different ways of acquiring our real, valued priorities.

Let me just say this, I think we're antagonizing money too much. And I honestly don't think money per se is at fault here more than our attitude towards it. The thing about proposing the pursuit of money (or other materials) as a definite trade off for happiness often seems like an extreme. Why do we equate the chase for money as the run away from happiness? Pardon my naivety, but is it not possible to pursuit both, with its level of priority being different during different phases of life? It's rather common nowadays to hear people romanticizing only those who follow their heart, to pursue whatever passion they have without considering money at all. That a diet of pizzas, sleeping on different couches and the occasional drunken hangover night becomes the symbol of #YOLO and follow-my-heart. What about those who seek to delay gratification of personal happiness and focus on ensuring the well-being of themselves and loved ones? The famous Maslow's hierarchy (while damned by much of the research community) I think sets the idea quite well that we need to get our basic life needs (i.e. roof above our head, safe environment) prior to the pursuit of more abstract concepts that further empower our life's meaning - and money does not mean we will definitely get that, though it can be a large assistant.

I know people whose parents did not start doing a job because they are #YOLO-ing and follow their heart; it was a job that could provide for their family, and it became a job they love. I know I can sit here today because my dad has chosen a pathway that allows the pursuit of a certain level of comfort for his family. Does he love his job with a passion? I'm not sure, I tried asking him that, but the answers I got were more or less revolving around the idea that we do what we have to do and with much blessing, the pathway has paved more pathways to acquire happiness while not forgetting the certain level of comfort.

I know people who hold a full-time job they may or may not enjoy with their passion, but it gives them the resources to pursue their real passion albeit at a more "part-time" rate. And I can't say they are any less happier than those who went all out to pursue their passion and antagonize the idea of material pursuits. My friend reminded me the other day that we don't have to be afraid of being labelled as sell-out just because we chose to pursue a certain level of material resources at certain stages in life. He also mentioned how people tend to put those who go all out and leave their families in shambles, and how we put them on the pedestal of bravery. While I agree a certain level of sacrifice is needed to achieve the greatness in life, my personal values in life don't find me agreeing with it totally.

Money is not our enemy. The pursuit of it is not our enemy. Our mindset of this pursuit, that's the darkness we have to be afraid of. When the never-enough mindset sets in, when the pursuit becomes the priority all the time, that's the source of unhappiness. Again, even for someone like my dad who understands the need to provide for his family, and has worked tirelessly for it can ask me "How much is enough?" and proceed to tell me that it will never be enough, and we will soon tire before anything ever becomes enough.

Again, I believe in passion, I really do believe in the the fire that lights up one's eyes. It's an amazing sight most of us never forget, and never forget feeling when we are called to its time. But ask yourself, are we putting those who antagonize material pursuits because we truly believe the pursuit of it is evil, or are we projecting our hopes and secret wishes on those who dare step beyond such pursuits? Because right this moment, I can tell you that those hopes and wishes can come true, without you sacrificing everything. It's not an either-or. It's a matter of understanding where and when is enough.

I hope as I begin my career, this particular piece of writing is something that grounds me. Who knows if I can still vouch for the same when I begin my career, when put into the "real world"? But I sure do hope that my values don't get lost in this pursuit.

(Image source: http://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000025881042-y56l6c-crop.jpg?f6d22d0)

What do you trust?

P.S: Have a look at this article. It's gives an interesting insight on how financial planning should be based on our true values. I believe it provides a window of the possibility of achieving a certain balance and optimization between comfort and meaning.

Fake it till ya' make it yo!

Inspired by this talk; Amy Cuddy : Your body language shapes who you are

As a Psychology student, the first thing I always (I'm betting on a 99% chance) get is "you are reading my mind" or something by those lines whenever I meet someone for the first time and introduce my background. Other than being slightly annoyed and often wondering if I indeed did miss such a class, it's a reflection of how prevalent the concept body language is in the society. Sure, psychologists are associated with the ability read body language (seriously, I need to look up my course outlines), more than that, this association rings to us that humans generally are familiar with body language, and the consequences of it.

My own stand on body language is I've never been a big fan, simply because of the negative connotations often associated with it; say pick-up artists, fortune-tellers etc. It's one of those really useful concepts that when grasped well can be use for good, or evil. Unfortunately, the negative wiring of my mind seems to remind me more of the negative aspects. However, in the recent years, I've become more accustomed to the idea of body language as a concept that can develop individuals. In the talk mentioned above, Amy Cuddy speaks about using body postures to "talk to yourself" and make you feel empowered prior to better deal with socially threatening situations.

A core theme in the talk which I interpreted with my understanding:

"Although biology (i.e. hormones) plays a significant role in making you feel a particular way, you can also manipulate this mind-body connection which goes in a loop, to use body postures which trick the brain into producing the hormones that help you feel what you want to feel"

And there were reminders that this is not meant to assert power over others (which could still be possible depending on the individual's intention); hence, why I use the term empowering rather than power as the latter seem to reflect dominance over others. Also, from the talk, the experiment seem to have told participants that they will be doing either a high-power pose or low-power pose which from my opinion could already prime their thoughts to actually think they will be powerful after doing whatever pose and vice-versa. That conclusion is more similar to self-fulfilling prophecy which is really not a bad thing, cause if just by thinking then you can feel it, it's perhaps even simpler to carry out than a particular behaviour.

So. My babble above is my opinion on how we can empower ourselves, and one way is through body language. Amy Cuddy mentioned "tiny tweaks can lead to big changes" which I resonate with because I believe that sometimes the biggest changes, comes from the smallest steps.

What made the talk post-worthy though, was this - fake it till you make it. Or in her terms, fake it till you become it. While that is really motivating, and is often the case, I find that to internalize something you really don't want to believe in can be more dejecting that than accepting who you are. This does not invalidate her study, but what I'm saying is there is a need for self-acceptance, or checking where you are before launching into a whole "I can do this!" So yes, the little tweak may include some extra steps after all.

Take this article for example; which premise lies in how positive thinking may backfire if we don't feel confident in ourselves to start with. Personally, I agree. It becomes so stressful to know you should be able to do it if you keep thinking positively but yet you keep feeling like you are fighting against yourself. That does not mean both articles are wrong, though it does signify that we need to know WHY we are doing it. Say, I am going to an interview, and I'm shit nervous. I could use those body postures to empower myself and who knows, I aced the interview. In the long run, I find myself using the body postures to help me whenever I feel insecure or anxious; yet, even when I'm leading a team, I don't feel comfortable, don't feel like I belong. The problem is not that I couldn't be empowered, but why I want to be empowered. Is this really a position I want? Or am I comfortable actually be an expert in the background? Am I seeking to empower myself because the society has a silent pre-requisite that suggests everyone should be awesome because being okay means something is wrong with you or because I really want to change myself?

You can fake it till you make it, or even become it. But if you don't understand why you want it, why you do it, it will be difficult to really internalize it. So why, why do you want whatever change you want?

In concluding this long blog post, I resonate with Amy Cuddy's proposition that we need to share all these empowering tips, because people who need it, often don't have the resources.

And I'll share my proposition, which is power upon who you really are, if you're going to fake it, fake it for a truth you believe.