Life as Words

Like many people, throughout the years I had projects that I started enthusiastically - some were completed successfully, some fell through the cracks along the way, most are still work in progress. But there is one "project", I don't count it as a project really but more like a part of me. It is one that I've been committed to for the past 10 years including this year - writing a journal. I made it a point to start every year and end every year with a page in my own private journal, so there is one every year which brings to a total of about plus minus 10 journals in different shapes and sizes. Some years the journal pages are bare, some years, one is not even enough.

Like I said, it didn't start so much as a project more than me feeling like I need a place to voice. And believe you me, I am not that extroverted, my thoughts are very much my own, so my journals are my safe place to pick my own brain and heart to say the least. It's been years now, and what all these journal entries provided me are a sense of continuity, a sense of grounding. I don't suggest living in the past, but I do believe in remembering your roots to fly towards the future. I don't read my old journal entries everyday, but when I do, I am reminded of the stories I lived and thrived to. And I guess that's my point here;

Writing is nourishing.

I consider using the term healing, but it's not like a dosage of once a day scribble can automatically take your headache away, though research has shown the benefits of journaling. What I do think is nourishing though, is that when you write, you give voice to your thoughts, you respect it, and you learn to love it for what it is. In a world where everything competes for your attention, sometimes the most important core of ourselves get drowned in these external sources. Writing it on the other hand, tends to empower what is really within you - though admittedly this gets easier with practice. I have to say though, writing my journal sometimes lead to me being caught up with my own perspective of my stories. But if there's anything I've learnt throughout my years of journaling is that if you are true to yourself, and take it as a mirror for you and only you, the real stories get differentiated from those we are told by whatever source that stops us from thriving in our lives. After all, we are only as true as the stories we tell, or the stories we let ourselves believe.

Some people prefer blogs, some people prefer microblogging, but whatever media you choose to empower your thoughts in, the choice is to be with your thoughts, and that could be all that matters. To find a way to release the becoming burden of thoughts on the brain by freeing them into words.
I have an inkling though that if a fire were to break out, and I could save only one possession, it might be my journals, hahaha. As a matter of fact, when asked what are some of the most important possessions in my life, I could really only say two; my phone which I use to communicate with the world, and my journals, which I use to communicate with myself.

That said and done, writing does not have to be about yourself, or your thoughts. It could also be writing about others, or even to others; the latter being something I really advocate. When was the last time you received a snail mail and it's way way more exciting, most importantly heartwarming than the Whatsapp message you can receive within a milisecond? While I don't deny that the beauty of letters is much influenced by its scarcity in this era, I still strongly believe that it will always be classic beauty. A lot of soul goes into writing a letter. Love letters, care letter, hello letters, random letters. It's nourishing both for the person who wrote it, and the person who receives it. Tell me that is not killing two birds with one stone, haha. I must say I've been very blessed in this arena having been given the chances to both be the writer and recipient of letters that breathe soul, which somehow can never be found in any other media. And for a person to actually sit and write a letter, and try to frame their thoughts in relation to another person, I think it really nourishes the connection between them. This video by Hannah Brencher sums it pretty well.

A lot of us presume that writing is something only the most creative can do, and that it's only most valuable when there is some form of creative value attached to it. I strongly beg to differ. I think writing is about the honesty and genuine-ness of thoughts that are now given life as words. 

So if you've not tried writing, give it a shot? Forget about the essays we had to write in high school, the ones where you have to have a paragraph statement, and proper pronouns, adverbs what-nots. Oh and forget the an-inch-from-margin rule as well, just write. "Some of my most honest writing occurs in the twilight zone of walking and sleeping, of feeling, knowing and understanding". I literally typed this sentence into my phone when I was inspired by a 5 a.m. jolt from my sleep. So I daresay, writing is something we all can do, it's not about prettifying words, nor is it about correctness.

It's about you, your thoughts and your words.

P.S: Oh, another way I write, is by writing to my future self. I know that can sound totally weird, but before you freak out, it's just basically trying to create a sense of continuity into the future, and often, to encourage hope. So my letters to future me often involve goals, asking me about how I am in the future, and just giving myself the space to imagine how I want to be at whatever time I am in the future. Personally, it helps me make a commitment within the time space, and often when I receive it in the future, it grounds me and reminds me of all the blessings I had. I don't think there's a correct format for it, it just really is writing a letter to another person, who happens to be yourself. And trust me, you'll more likely smile when you receive the letter than weirded out, haha. For this I use awesome technology which enable you to set when to send the letter such as futureme.org and ohlife.com.

So, you writing tonight?

"What's worth doing even if I fail?" - Brene Brown

The quote was the crux of her learning when she wrote "Daring Greatly", her latest published book which is incidentally the book I just finished reading. What can I say?

I loved it.

Initially I was hesitant in buying it because I'm not a big fan of fiction books, more so those that are categorised under "self-help". My previous experience with such books often leave me rolling eyes at the "steps" a person needs to take to help themselves. While I don't deny that we sometimes need to have more concrete suggestions in developing ourselves, I am not fond of the notion that 7 steps will fit everyone and we will all achieve happiness. I like books that have a certain level of tangibility; yet it is conceptual so you are given space to reflect on how you can have these concepts fit your life. My brother gave an analogy of an "amoeba" where you take learnings from the book as they fit into your life. After all, a self-help book is what it is, you help yourself.

Though I'm not sure if I can call this a self-help book per se; it's not an easily categorised book. As a matter of fact, it feels like a dissertation paper/academic journal but in a way more reader-friendly manner - a story. And I guess that subsumes the book, it's a story about courage, shame, vulnerability and life around these concepts. While it does not have protagonists, antagonists, climax and the likes, the flow of the book was good, and I find myself looking forward to reading it. Basically it flows from her definition of vulnerability based on the research of shame, to myths of vulnerability, challenges to vulnerability, why daring greatly helps with authentic living and how we can live daring greatly. These are not direct reflections of the chapters, but what I perceive the themes of the chapters to be

As mentioned, the main themes revolve around the ideas of courage, authenticity and vulnerability in various areas of life such as work, parenting, community. I really enjoy how she puts forth what vulnerability is and is not. As a matter of fact, I salute her for putting in her research perspective in the final chapter so we can understand the journey of her research and see her perspective, something I find highly honourable as someone who also does research. It's way more ethical (and comforting) to know that someone is honest with their perspective and lets you into it, so you can understand how these concepts come about. 

There are so many learnings to be taken from this book, I feel like I have to keep re-reading it because I can't hold it all in my mind. A few key ones I really loved:

1) Culture of scarcity, of never enough; that's her description of our culture. We are always looking for something else, being somewhere else, heck, we wake up in the morning and the first thing on our mind is "not enough sleep" - great way to start the day huh? While the book does not say that all desire should be diminished, it does highlight how we live in an age where nothing is ever good enough, and always striving to be good enough makes us feel vulnerable, yet vulnerable itself is not good enough. See the negative self-reinforcing cycle?

2) What vulnerability is not; we often think that vulnerability is a bare-it-all-out-expose yet she describes in her book how vulnerability is for those who earned the right for it. Also, how bare-it-all-out-expose could be the exact opposite of vulnerability and is actually a defensive armour for one's vulnerability. I really felt this concept at heart because I strongly believe in building trust and to feel "reinforced" by this concepts makes me feel like I am like any normal human.

3) How both men and women are ultimately human, and we all deal with shame. I liked how she saw courage, vulnerability and shame as human, not gender, age, or other demographics often used to categorise people. And she describes how attack of women against women, or women against men are just some of many ways we use to protect our vulnerability. In an age where feminist movement is roaring, I personally find that certain movements reduce the humanness across gender, battering men as opposites rather than comrades in battle. While I still disagree with the large gender gap prominent in our culture, her focus on humans as opposed to gender makes this a more wholesome concept.

4) Disengagement arises from gaps between our aspirational values and practiced values. The basic gist is "We can't give people what we don't have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be" (pg. 177). I think this was a very human concept. We are not necessarily bad, or stupid, or imperfect. We all have the values we aspire to practice but often we don't practice them when the time comes. For example; we may aspire to practice Honesty & Integrity but then when it comes to a situation testing our truthfulness, we rationalize and let things slide. Such gaps can create disengagement not only within ourselves, but also those who see us live life like that. 

Of course, there are plenty of other learnings, which I think would be reflected best when one reads the book. It helps that she puts in some funny stories and puns (Harry Potter was prominent), sincere stories about her own struggle with shame and vulnerability. It's not life-changing, but more of everyday life situations which I feel is more relatable for people like me (and you perhaps).

In general, I really liked the book. I felt it was wholesome, covered ground of skepticism that people like me would poke holes at and provide much new knowledge. Nevertheless, as I mentioned before, it's more conceptual, so don't expect 7 habits to improve but she does provide questions which the reader can reflect on to understand their stance and certain concepts to be incorporated into life to dare greatly. And I think questions are often sufficient to get people to balance between guidance from new knowledge and acting on their own feet. 

Overall, I think this is a worthy book to pick up, and it's about humans and connection, something we can all relate too. Also, if you're not keen on the book, here's her TED Talk on Vulnerability, which has been one of my favourite TED talks by far. Finally, kudos to Brene Brown for her perseverance in this research, hats off to trusting your research so much and adding knowledge to the world.

(Image source: http://tedconfblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/daringgreatly_final525-resized-600.png)

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Fake it till ya' make it yo!

Inspired by this talk; Amy Cuddy : Your body language shapes who you are

As a Psychology student, the first thing I always (I'm betting on a 99% chance) get is "you are reading my mind" or something by those lines whenever I meet someone for the first time and introduce my background. Other than being slightly annoyed and often wondering if I indeed did miss such a class, it's a reflection of how prevalent the concept body language is in the society. Sure, psychologists are associated with the ability read body language (seriously, I need to look up my course outlines), more than that, this association rings to us that humans generally are familiar with body language, and the consequences of it.

My own stand on body language is I've never been a big fan, simply because of the negative connotations often associated with it; say pick-up artists, fortune-tellers etc. It's one of those really useful concepts that when grasped well can be use for good, or evil. Unfortunately, the negative wiring of my mind seems to remind me more of the negative aspects. However, in the recent years, I've become more accustomed to the idea of body language as a concept that can develop individuals. In the talk mentioned above, Amy Cuddy speaks about using body postures to "talk to yourself" and make you feel empowered prior to better deal with socially threatening situations.

A core theme in the talk which I interpreted with my understanding:

"Although biology (i.e. hormones) plays a significant role in making you feel a particular way, you can also manipulate this mind-body connection which goes in a loop, to use body postures which trick the brain into producing the hormones that help you feel what you want to feel"

And there were reminders that this is not meant to assert power over others (which could still be possible depending on the individual's intention); hence, why I use the term empowering rather than power as the latter seem to reflect dominance over others. Also, from the talk, the experiment seem to have told participants that they will be doing either a high-power pose or low-power pose which from my opinion could already prime their thoughts to actually think they will be powerful after doing whatever pose and vice-versa. That conclusion is more similar to self-fulfilling prophecy which is really not a bad thing, cause if just by thinking then you can feel it, it's perhaps even simpler to carry out than a particular behaviour.

So. My babble above is my opinion on how we can empower ourselves, and one way is through body language. Amy Cuddy mentioned "tiny tweaks can lead to big changes" which I resonate with because I believe that sometimes the biggest changes, comes from the smallest steps.

What made the talk post-worthy though, was this - fake it till you make it. Or in her terms, fake it till you become it. While that is really motivating, and is often the case, I find that to internalize something you really don't want to believe in can be more dejecting that than accepting who you are. This does not invalidate her study, but what I'm saying is there is a need for self-acceptance, or checking where you are before launching into a whole "I can do this!" So yes, the little tweak may include some extra steps after all.

Take this article for example; which premise lies in how positive thinking may backfire if we don't feel confident in ourselves to start with. Personally, I agree. It becomes so stressful to know you should be able to do it if you keep thinking positively but yet you keep feeling like you are fighting against yourself. That does not mean both articles are wrong, though it does signify that we need to know WHY we are doing it. Say, I am going to an interview, and I'm shit nervous. I could use those body postures to empower myself and who knows, I aced the interview. In the long run, I find myself using the body postures to help me whenever I feel insecure or anxious; yet, even when I'm leading a team, I don't feel comfortable, don't feel like I belong. The problem is not that I couldn't be empowered, but why I want to be empowered. Is this really a position I want? Or am I comfortable actually be an expert in the background? Am I seeking to empower myself because the society has a silent pre-requisite that suggests everyone should be awesome because being okay means something is wrong with you or because I really want to change myself?

You can fake it till you make it, or even become it. But if you don't understand why you want it, why you do it, it will be difficult to really internalize it. So why, why do you want whatever change you want?

In concluding this long blog post, I resonate with Amy Cuddy's proposition that we need to share all these empowering tips, because people who need it, often don't have the resources.

And I'll share my proposition, which is power upon who you really are, if you're going to fake it, fake it for a truth you believe.