"What's worth doing even if I fail?" - Brene Brown

The quote was the crux of her learning when she wrote "Daring Greatly", her latest published book which is incidentally the book I just finished reading. What can I say?

I loved it.

Initially I was hesitant in buying it because I'm not a big fan of fiction books, more so those that are categorised under "self-help". My previous experience with such books often leave me rolling eyes at the "steps" a person needs to take to help themselves. While I don't deny that we sometimes need to have more concrete suggestions in developing ourselves, I am not fond of the notion that 7 steps will fit everyone and we will all achieve happiness. I like books that have a certain level of tangibility; yet it is conceptual so you are given space to reflect on how you can have these concepts fit your life. My brother gave an analogy of an "amoeba" where you take learnings from the book as they fit into your life. After all, a self-help book is what it is, you help yourself.

Though I'm not sure if I can call this a self-help book per se; it's not an easily categorised book. As a matter of fact, it feels like a dissertation paper/academic journal but in a way more reader-friendly manner - a story. And I guess that subsumes the book, it's a story about courage, shame, vulnerability and life around these concepts. While it does not have protagonists, antagonists, climax and the likes, the flow of the book was good, and I find myself looking forward to reading it. Basically it flows from her definition of vulnerability based on the research of shame, to myths of vulnerability, challenges to vulnerability, why daring greatly helps with authentic living and how we can live daring greatly. These are not direct reflections of the chapters, but what I perceive the themes of the chapters to be

As mentioned, the main themes revolve around the ideas of courage, authenticity and vulnerability in various areas of life such as work, parenting, community. I really enjoy how she puts forth what vulnerability is and is not. As a matter of fact, I salute her for putting in her research perspective in the final chapter so we can understand the journey of her research and see her perspective, something I find highly honourable as someone who also does research. It's way more ethical (and comforting) to know that someone is honest with their perspective and lets you into it, so you can understand how these concepts come about. 

There are so many learnings to be taken from this book, I feel like I have to keep re-reading it because I can't hold it all in my mind. A few key ones I really loved:

1) Culture of scarcity, of never enough; that's her description of our culture. We are always looking for something else, being somewhere else, heck, we wake up in the morning and the first thing on our mind is "not enough sleep" - great way to start the day huh? While the book does not say that all desire should be diminished, it does highlight how we live in an age where nothing is ever good enough, and always striving to be good enough makes us feel vulnerable, yet vulnerable itself is not good enough. See the negative self-reinforcing cycle?

2) What vulnerability is not; we often think that vulnerability is a bare-it-all-out-expose yet she describes in her book how vulnerability is for those who earned the right for it. Also, how bare-it-all-out-expose could be the exact opposite of vulnerability and is actually a defensive armour for one's vulnerability. I really felt this concept at heart because I strongly believe in building trust and to feel "reinforced" by this concepts makes me feel like I am like any normal human.

3) How both men and women are ultimately human, and we all deal with shame. I liked how she saw courage, vulnerability and shame as human, not gender, age, or other demographics often used to categorise people. And she describes how attack of women against women, or women against men are just some of many ways we use to protect our vulnerability. In an age where feminist movement is roaring, I personally find that certain movements reduce the humanness across gender, battering men as opposites rather than comrades in battle. While I still disagree with the large gender gap prominent in our culture, her focus on humans as opposed to gender makes this a more wholesome concept.

4) Disengagement arises from gaps between our aspirational values and practiced values. The basic gist is "We can't give people what we don't have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be" (pg. 177). I think this was a very human concept. We are not necessarily bad, or stupid, or imperfect. We all have the values we aspire to practice but often we don't practice them when the time comes. For example; we may aspire to practice Honesty & Integrity but then when it comes to a situation testing our truthfulness, we rationalize and let things slide. Such gaps can create disengagement not only within ourselves, but also those who see us live life like that. 

Of course, there are plenty of other learnings, which I think would be reflected best when one reads the book. It helps that she puts in some funny stories and puns (Harry Potter was prominent), sincere stories about her own struggle with shame and vulnerability. It's not life-changing, but more of everyday life situations which I feel is more relatable for people like me (and you perhaps).

In general, I really liked the book. I felt it was wholesome, covered ground of skepticism that people like me would poke holes at and provide much new knowledge. Nevertheless, as I mentioned before, it's more conceptual, so don't expect 7 habits to improve but she does provide questions which the reader can reflect on to understand their stance and certain concepts to be incorporated into life to dare greatly. And I think questions are often sufficient to get people to balance between guidance from new knowledge and acting on their own feet. 

Overall, I think this is a worthy book to pick up, and it's about humans and connection, something we can all relate too. Also, if you're not keen on the book, here's her TED Talk on Vulnerability, which has been one of my favourite TED talks by far. Finally, kudos to Brene Brown for her perseverance in this research, hats off to trusting your research so much and adding knowledge to the world.

(Image source: http://tedconfblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/daringgreatly_final525-resized-600.png)

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."