"hey, don't be too happy ah, sadness will come soon"

When was the last time you felt happy? Like really so happy, so blessed and just plain joy?

Were you also scared? Yes, you can give me the o.O face now.

How is it that a person can be in a midst of so many good things, and still feel scared? Or worse, feel small, and undeserving? Don't know about you, but it used to happen to me quite often. 

Brene Brown called this mechanism "foreboding joy" in her book "Daring Greatly" which basically is one mechanism to avoid the "pain" that we expect to come after feeling so happy. It's how we can actually feel so damn vulnerable when we're happy, that we become so afraid of what happens when we lose it. So, we rather not feel the joy, or we just expect the worse situations, so that when it happens we can say "Hah! I knew it was too good to be true!"

I think one situation that typifies this well enough is one that I have read in a Psychology Today article (still looking for this particular article unfortunately). So this lady has a choice of two suitors, a young man who she is in love and amazingly happy with and another who she likes, is comfortable with and can provide her with all the necessities for a good life. When she had to choose, she choose the latter. The researcher probe for her reason, and it went something like this "If B walks out of my life one day, I know I can be fine, but I'll be devastated if A ever walked out of my life"

Imagine that, the possibility of losing someone is enough to stop the possibility of risking the joy that was obvious.

Just like how it's easy for us to say "Oh, I'll definitely choose the person I love, rather than the person who loves me"; when it comes down to actually having to choose, would you dare risk the pain that comes with possible loss?

And that's one possible reason why a lot of us run when things are at its best, because it feels so bloody vulnerable to feel happy. Because society has taught us that happiness is fleeting, we know happiness is fleeting, and "hey, don't be too happy ah, sadness will come soon"

It will come. It HAS to come. Just like how happiness is inevitable, sadness is too. But you know what aches worse than the pain of sadness, disappointment etc? It's knowing that you didn't give happiness the respect it deserved when you had it. You didn't hug tight enough, you held their hands too short, you forgot to say I care, you should have told them I'm sorry. It's madness to live in such regret.

What I've learn? That I am happy, I deserve to be happy no matter how freaking scary it is. I've had many a blessed days this year, and initially, it was so scary to think that this is it, I am actually worth such happiness. I remember one particular incident, when I teared seeing the Trevi Fountain. I was overjoyed to be where I am, and yet so scared that this joy will be taken away the minute I embrace it, and make it mine.

Nowadays, when I feel extremely blessed that it makes me feel so vulnerable, I give thanks. I embrace the blessed feeling by being present as much as I can. It's not easy, seeing that I'm someone who is very much future-oriented, but hey, practice, practice, practice! Yes, scary thoughts still come to my mind, and I've accepted that as the part of my limbic system trying to survive. But no, no more self-sabotaging, it ends as fleeting thoughts. 

I tell myself, I'm surviving, and give happiness the respect it deserved.

EDIT: I have to make clear that in the situation where the lady needs to choose between two suitors, my opinion is not that one is better than the other so we always should go for someone we are amazingly in love with or vice-versa. It's more of the reason for making the choice should be because we want it (i.e. wanting to be with that person) rather than because we don't want the other choice (i.e. don't want to lose the other person thus being with a more "secure" person), at least in my opinion.