It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It.

Familiar statement? In my experience, the ladies in my life tend to use it against their men hahahahaha.

Read this.

I qualify my thoughts. A lot. It's like I have an imaginary 'backspace' button in my mind and I tap on it every time I formulate and verbalise my thoughts. As mentioned in the article, it can be a linguistic strategy to allow for input of other ideas - a key reason why I speak like how I speak.

However, in trying to cover all bases, it can make one's idea seem tentative and weak, at least according to the article. Recently as well, a thought bloomed and inspired by a conversation with a friend, speaking how I speak can also create the impression of one being impersonal. It's something that has never came upon me, but something so glaringly interesting.

I guess it boils down to sounding like a know-it-all and/or defensive. I mean, it really is a thin line between sounding like that and sounding informed. Plus, not being that straight-forward or beating round the bush does seem to magnify the lack of closeness in a relationship doesn't it?

So it does seem like more than what you say, it's how you say it that influences the perception of the receiver. While I don't suppose I'll do a major haul of my linguistic strategies just yet, I think this is one reminder that how we say something, can really make an impact on how the message gets through.

"But there were, lessons learned"

You can't pray for courage without embracing the situations that come along with it
Situations that require you to use courage, and most importantly learn it. The thing with courage is it is not a I-bestow-upon-thee-courage and tada! you are courageous in everything you do. How we wish it was that simple. Two years ago, I started a simple concept of having a word as my resolution every year. It started with the word empathy, and boy did I have to learn about empathy that entire year, and the years that come after. It becomes something you no longer ignore because you are now aware. And this year it was courage, oh my dear God Lord have my prayers been answered. Courage is bestowed upon us a choice in a situation. Will you be courageous in facing a situation that could use courage? If you chose it, you may learn something, if not, you just miss a lesson. But learning courage is a chicken-and-egg argument, does courage comes first before making a courageous decision or does a courageous decision lead to courage? Ultimately, courage asks you to seek your heart, it did originate from the Latin word "cor" which means heart.

Your values and beliefs will be challenged, constantly.
They say the hardest thing to do in the world is to be yourself when everyone wants you to be someone else. That is not far from true. You will be constantly tried for valuing what you value, and believing what you believe. It comes in the forms of social comparison, doubts, feeling like an idiot et cetera. It comes with possible need for overhaul. And you will realise that at the end of it, what matters much is not which values and beliefs you take, but that you actually take a stand and stand by it

You will realise you don't know much, or anything at all.
I like to be right. It has been my utmost defense for the years I've grown up. To admit I don't know is like bringing out my ego and chopping it for stew. To just shrug and say I've no idea really makes me feel the cheese-grating-nail-scratching-blackboard cringe. Yet, realising this makes one so humble, and if anything, makes me want to learn even more.

You will also realise you have something to give, if anything at all.
Humility has a flip side when one feels that you have no confidence at all that you know anything at all. Actually, I'm not even sure if that is considered humility. But anyway, you would realise that humility and confidence are no opponents. That you can put at the table something you might have to offer, regardless of whether the offer is taken. It's the part where you are considering that you may have something to offer, and testing to see whether the offer meets the demand which helps you learn what exactly you can, have and will contribute

People will make you feel like the worse lump in the world, and they will also make you feel like a diamond
We will all meet more people as we grow up, even by simple probability. Just try changing your daily routine a bit. Can't say the same if you lock yourself in the basement everyday though there's always social media. But anyway, people will test your faith in humanity. Some people will make you feel like you are the biggest loser whether because they explicitly tell you that, or implicitly show it through their behaviours or you are just perceiving it in your brain. The point is, being around people will create mirrors, and what you see in the mirror may be something you like, or not. You will want to compare, you will want to win, and you will learn that in more cases than not, there is really no win or lose. Everyone gets to keep some medal. The good side of this though, is that you come to learn who is key, or who you want as key in your life, and whose key will you be.

You will become very closely acquainted with this amazing thing in life called Choices.
It's no longer choosing between nap time or movie time. It's choosing between paths, paths that you have no goddamn idea where they will lead to. and you will still have to make a choice and live with it. Which brings me to my next point. You will make bad choices. and you will realise you can actually survive it, and may even come to embrace it. But at the end of the day, you won't be running long from this thing called Choice.

You will love, hurt, learn - repeat cycle
Friends, other halves, family, work, passion; anything you have actually decided put your heart into. You will stretch the capacity of your heart, you will feel the pain of the stretch like yoga after 10 years of break. It is not pleasant, but so necessary.

You will accept that "It didn't start out this way, why should it end this way?"
Change. In matter of 30 seconds, so quick that when you realised, it has already happened. In a matter of 30 weeks, so gradual that again when you realised, it has already happen. But you didn't start out this way, so why be so sure it will end this way? There are two sides of looking at this; that if you started out horrible, things may get better, but also if you started out great, things may become horrible. And it's not linear, it's cyclical. You can choose to fight it, with that you learn which battles are worth it. At the same time, you can choose to embrace it, and flow with it - the latter being a crazy challenge.

You will learn 50 shades of grey
And not in the sexual way. Not unless you prefer to, promise not to judge ;) But you will realise that not all bad is necessary bad, and not all good is necessary good and every new thing you learn might bust your mind, or grant you awe. You will learn to walk by the peripheries and balance the in-betweens and feel your core. Nuts, but it makes good stories, haha.

P.S:
I noticed I use the word 'will' a lot, and it's not intended to set up any expectations and make anyone go "oh shit oh shit oh shit, this is going to happen to me". But I kinda like the intense tone that comes with will, because I really believe that is what most of us will face, just in our own unique way. So don't fret yet, I promise life is still very worth it, cross my heart.

23 years of life, and more to come, =)

Fellow Lions

"I don't care about what you think, mister!"

I read the above article 3 times. Simply because the first time I read it, I cringed. I've never been a big fan of articles that advocate this form of individualism. While I am a huge advocate of autonomy and independence,   often people end up using their privilege of individualism to be, forgive my language, an ass. Why I've read this article 3 times was because I was trying to avoid my confirmation bias and prejudice towards such articles . And after reading it the third time, I think I have a more balance and mild impression towards the article.

First off, I must agree that approval-seeking is draining, waste time, someone will always hate you and you can't control what they think. If there's anything 23 years of life has taught me is that external voices will eat you up from the inside if you give them total control. So in that sense, approval-seeking is as the article say, unneccessary.

Then, there are those who equate approval-seeking with taking into consideration what people are saying, because in some way, if we ask someone else for their opinion, it means we are giving them a chance to have a say in what we do - similar to approval seeking. But it's not. and I assure you it is not.

"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others more than a lion needs approval of sheep" -Vernon Howard-

But what about fellow lions? I'm not sure why the author compared lions to sheep, because one eats the other, and even if they don't the whole sentence reeks of superiority. And that's why it's easy to become an ass. Because you think you are better than others thus you stand alone, and no one will ever understand you. Insert scene of man in cowboy hat sitting on a rock with gusts of wind blowing. all. alone.

More than that,  there is a distinct mention of not to care what others think. Unless you are like Steve Jobs who managed to get away with being an ass and still be idolized, people will matter, one point or another. It's not a coincidence that the regrets of most people on their death bed revolve around relationships. I've wrote about something similar to this in a different blog, specifically in terms of leadership.

Yes, at one point or another, you will need to stand up for what you believe in. And yes, you might be standing all alone with eyes glaring at you for being a menace, eyes pleading you to sit down instead of bringing  all this "shame" - eyes that judge. At that precise moment, just one pair of eyes that gleams at your courage to stand up could make it all worth it. Eyes that understand. Will it be a pair of eyes of a sheep? a fellow lion? or anyone like or unlike you? I don't know. What I know is, at that point, people will matter. You can go on your rocky road, and you should because you started it. But when it comes to some pothole quicksand, having a hand really makes it easier to get out.

So don't seek approval. Seek the words of those who have the interest of your heart. Got energy? Expend it to seek approval from yourself FIRST of all, but not only you, some might have interesting stuff to say as well ;)

Hence, Mojito

What makes you want to self-disclose to someone? Whether it is someone you just met, or someone you've known for eons? A healthy level of self-disclosure is usually necessary for growth of the individual and their relationships, at least as pointed by evidence in psychological research. Hence, you can understand why psychologists are so keen to find out what factors encourage a good level of self-disclosure, you know so we are all having good relationships and can be happy. Haha.

To be fair, self disclosure can be the most easy thing in the world, yet can also be the most challenging to others. I fall in the latter category. I share like mini-bite-size pieces over time, it tests the patience of a lot of those around me. Part of me use to do it as a testing strategy, to see if the effort is worth investing into a relationship. I will admit that that is a rather cynical way of seeing life, and that my concept of trust is that it has to be earned, not something given out freely, at least not all of it. Then I realised that self-disclosure is necessary on my part if I were to keep some vital relationships in my life, and thus I scooted over to the other end where I consciously reminded myself that I need to share more. That sharing more = better relationships. And yet, I still felt uncomfortable. I did consider for a while that it is the discomfort that comes with change, you know, trying new things, thus feeling a bit out of place. But it soon dawned upon me that the discomfort is simply because this is not how I really want to share parts of my life. This is not how I feel authentic. But like a friend said, in learning something new, we usually oscillate between two extremes before finding a point in the middle we can be comfortable with.

So anyway, the whole point of telling the above story is that over the years, people have come up with various methods of trying to get me to self-disclose more. Note, there was no aggression or forcing here, just wonky ideas my friends come up with. And quite a few of them suggest alcohol, because well, alcohol tends to reduce inhibition in our pre-frontal cortex which leads us to do stuff we usually wouldn't do, say hugging random cars HAHA (I did not do that). I have to admit it does work, drinking alcohol does lead one to reduce inhibition and do silly stuff and say silly stuff. The very act of being silly together leads to a certain level of closeness because you strip off some socially obligatory masks, you are real, or seem real.

But that's my point. Under the influence of an external substance often accompanied by bright lights, loud music, how real can real be? Is it really that our true self are only let loose with external help? Why is it that in sunshine, in light good enough to make out the details of the other person's face, do we choose to hide? The alcohol is not empowering, it's just enabling. And relying on alcohol to help take your mask off every time just won't cut it, not for me at least.

Get drunk on life instead. Lest you think I'm being disgustingly Pollyanna-ish, both drinking and having good conversations (especially those with tons of laughters) release the feel-good hormones known as endorphins (it's not a simple causal effect, but essentially endorphins exert a large influence to make us feel good). How many times have you caught yourself saying you feel high even though you are obviously not under the influence of any external substance that could have induced a large change in your biological system? Remember the great conversation over coffee? Or the late nights at mamak? So maybe teh tarik had a bit too much sugar, but ultimately, it's being with people you feel mutually comfortable with that leads you to want to take your mask off, without downing tons of teh tarik. 

In the recent year, I have been blessed with such situations. Where I feel comfortable enough to share who I am, and they feel comfortable to let me glimpse into their lives.

I've drank tons of mojito in those kinda cases; life's mojito.

System Restore - Real Life Version

Anyone who owns a Windows computer/laptop/techy-item-of-any sort would know the System Restore function. Basically it's a massive undo button to bring the OS back to a point when it was functioning optimally without actually changing any personal files. Don't ask me how it does that, it can do that. So I was  wondering, wouldn't it be cool if we had that in our life? In times when you feel like an absolute bafoon, or when it's so dark you forgot how light feels like, or you just need the lil push before getting over whatever episode. And I think that it is possible

When is your restore point?
We all have a point in life that we feel most at ease with and usually in the past. Oh, and possibly when we're young (Freud will definitely argue that regression as a defense mechanism is not helping one's anxiety). But when was the time when you felt at peace with yourself? It could even be an episode in your life. I'm not suggesting we don't embrace now, but while the present is suppose to be clear, it is also often murky as it happens. Like a friend once told me as he was teaching me something new, that he told me he wants me to remember this lesson as a restore point as we continue with the learnings. That when there is too many complications, remember this point in time when the lessons are at its fundamentals. I guess that is what applies to life too, when is the phase of your life when you are at peace with your core?

Where is your restore point?
Like a physical place. A place where you can feel totally at peace with your thoughts, or at least, where you can attempt to recombine past, present and future. The beach, the swings at the playground, any quaint cafe with amazing roasted coffee bean smells - these are my top 3 favourite places to restore my thoughts. The beach can be a bit challenging though, a bit too much driving haha.

Who is your restore point?
No, it's not absurd. We grow up, people come, people go. Yet there are some who always stay, I don't know how true this will remain given I'm only 23 years old, but I want to believe this while I still can. These people may not be those who are keeping in touch all the time, but when they are, they are present, they make you feel respected, loved and supported. Different people have different ways of showing this; each relationship is unique. Personally, this is an essential system restore "button" for me. It never fails to make each moment more bearable just to have one person who truly listened, and truly believes that you can make it through (God aside, =D).

We all have times when things don't feel right, or nothing seems to go right. In times like that, I would say, keep prayers, keep faith and maybe, just maybe, consider one of these 'system restore buttons'.

Life as Words

Like many people, throughout the years I had projects that I started enthusiastically - some were completed successfully, some fell through the cracks along the way, most are still work in progress. But there is one "project", I don't count it as a project really but more like a part of me. It is one that I've been committed to for the past 10 years including this year - writing a journal. I made it a point to start every year and end every year with a page in my own private journal, so there is one every year which brings to a total of about plus minus 10 journals in different shapes and sizes. Some years the journal pages are bare, some years, one is not even enough.

Like I said, it didn't start so much as a project more than me feeling like I need a place to voice. And believe you me, I am not that extroverted, my thoughts are very much my own, so my journals are my safe place to pick my own brain and heart to say the least. It's been years now, and what all these journal entries provided me are a sense of continuity, a sense of grounding. I don't suggest living in the past, but I do believe in remembering your roots to fly towards the future. I don't read my old journal entries everyday, but when I do, I am reminded of the stories I lived and thrived to. And I guess that's my point here;

Writing is nourishing.

I consider using the term healing, but it's not like a dosage of once a day scribble can automatically take your headache away, though research has shown the benefits of journaling. What I do think is nourishing though, is that when you write, you give voice to your thoughts, you respect it, and you learn to love it for what it is. In a world where everything competes for your attention, sometimes the most important core of ourselves get drowned in these external sources. Writing it on the other hand, tends to empower what is really within you - though admittedly this gets easier with practice. I have to say though, writing my journal sometimes lead to me being caught up with my own perspective of my stories. But if there's anything I've learnt throughout my years of journaling is that if you are true to yourself, and take it as a mirror for you and only you, the real stories get differentiated from those we are told by whatever source that stops us from thriving in our lives. After all, we are only as true as the stories we tell, or the stories we let ourselves believe.

Some people prefer blogs, some people prefer microblogging, but whatever media you choose to empower your thoughts in, the choice is to be with your thoughts, and that could be all that matters. To find a way to release the becoming burden of thoughts on the brain by freeing them into words.
I have an inkling though that if a fire were to break out, and I could save only one possession, it might be my journals, hahaha. As a matter of fact, when asked what are some of the most important possessions in my life, I could really only say two; my phone which I use to communicate with the world, and my journals, which I use to communicate with myself.

That said and done, writing does not have to be about yourself, or your thoughts. It could also be writing about others, or even to others; the latter being something I really advocate. When was the last time you received a snail mail and it's way way more exciting, most importantly heartwarming than the Whatsapp message you can receive within a milisecond? While I don't deny that the beauty of letters is much influenced by its scarcity in this era, I still strongly believe that it will always be classic beauty. A lot of soul goes into writing a letter. Love letters, care letter, hello letters, random letters. It's nourishing both for the person who wrote it, and the person who receives it. Tell me that is not killing two birds with one stone, haha. I must say I've been very blessed in this arena having been given the chances to both be the writer and recipient of letters that breathe soul, which somehow can never be found in any other media. And for a person to actually sit and write a letter, and try to frame their thoughts in relation to another person, I think it really nourishes the connection between them. This video by Hannah Brencher sums it pretty well.

A lot of us presume that writing is something only the most creative can do, and that it's only most valuable when there is some form of creative value attached to it. I strongly beg to differ. I think writing is about the honesty and genuine-ness of thoughts that are now given life as words. 

So if you've not tried writing, give it a shot? Forget about the essays we had to write in high school, the ones where you have to have a paragraph statement, and proper pronouns, adverbs what-nots. Oh and forget the an-inch-from-margin rule as well, just write. "Some of my most honest writing occurs in the twilight zone of walking and sleeping, of feeling, knowing and understanding". I literally typed this sentence into my phone when I was inspired by a 5 a.m. jolt from my sleep. So I daresay, writing is something we all can do, it's not about prettifying words, nor is it about correctness.

It's about you, your thoughts and your words.

P.S: Oh, another way I write, is by writing to my future self. I know that can sound totally weird, but before you freak out, it's just basically trying to create a sense of continuity into the future, and often, to encourage hope. So my letters to future me often involve goals, asking me about how I am in the future, and just giving myself the space to imagine how I want to be at whatever time I am in the future. Personally, it helps me make a commitment within the time space, and often when I receive it in the future, it grounds me and reminds me of all the blessings I had. I don't think there's a correct format for it, it just really is writing a letter to another person, who happens to be yourself. And trust me, you'll more likely smile when you receive the letter than weirded out, haha. For this I use awesome technology which enable you to set when to send the letter such as futureme.org and ohlife.com.

So, you writing tonight?

Money Not Enough

What if money didn't matter?

I came across this video the other day, and the core of the video asks the question above and explains how we should be happy rather than acquiring money. I agree. and disagree. Perhaps its the seemingly extreme-either-or-point-of-view implied by the video, perhaps it's my daftness and lack of experience in the "real working world", but let me explain my perspective.

A friend's comment on the video went something like this "Many will agree, but few will actually take the step to it", it referring to the theme of the video above. I don't think this means anybody at fault, but it does hint at each of us having different priorities, or at least, different ways of acquiring our real, valued priorities.

Let me just say this, I think we're antagonizing money too much. And I honestly don't think money per se is at fault here more than our attitude towards it. The thing about proposing the pursuit of money (or other materials) as a definite trade off for happiness often seems like an extreme. Why do we equate the chase for money as the run away from happiness? Pardon my naivety, but is it not possible to pursuit both, with its level of priority being different during different phases of life? It's rather common nowadays to hear people romanticizing only those who follow their heart, to pursue whatever passion they have without considering money at all. That a diet of pizzas, sleeping on different couches and the occasional drunken hangover night becomes the symbol of #YOLO and follow-my-heart. What about those who seek to delay gratification of personal happiness and focus on ensuring the well-being of themselves and loved ones? The famous Maslow's hierarchy (while damned by much of the research community) I think sets the idea quite well that we need to get our basic life needs (i.e. roof above our head, safe environment) prior to the pursuit of more abstract concepts that further empower our life's meaning - and money does not mean we will definitely get that, though it can be a large assistant.

I know people whose parents did not start doing a job because they are #YOLO-ing and follow their heart; it was a job that could provide for their family, and it became a job they love. I know I can sit here today because my dad has chosen a pathway that allows the pursuit of a certain level of comfort for his family. Does he love his job with a passion? I'm not sure, I tried asking him that, but the answers I got were more or less revolving around the idea that we do what we have to do and with much blessing, the pathway has paved more pathways to acquire happiness while not forgetting the certain level of comfort.

I know people who hold a full-time job they may or may not enjoy with their passion, but it gives them the resources to pursue their real passion albeit at a more "part-time" rate. And I can't say they are any less happier than those who went all out to pursue their passion and antagonize the idea of material pursuits. My friend reminded me the other day that we don't have to be afraid of being labelled as sell-out just because we chose to pursue a certain level of material resources at certain stages in life. He also mentioned how people tend to put those who go all out and leave their families in shambles, and how we put them on the pedestal of bravery. While I agree a certain level of sacrifice is needed to achieve the greatness in life, my personal values in life don't find me agreeing with it totally.

Money is not our enemy. The pursuit of it is not our enemy. Our mindset of this pursuit, that's the darkness we have to be afraid of. When the never-enough mindset sets in, when the pursuit becomes the priority all the time, that's the source of unhappiness. Again, even for someone like my dad who understands the need to provide for his family, and has worked tirelessly for it can ask me "How much is enough?" and proceed to tell me that it will never be enough, and we will soon tire before anything ever becomes enough.

Again, I believe in passion, I really do believe in the the fire that lights up one's eyes. It's an amazing sight most of us never forget, and never forget feeling when we are called to its time. But ask yourself, are we putting those who antagonize material pursuits because we truly believe the pursuit of it is evil, or are we projecting our hopes and secret wishes on those who dare step beyond such pursuits? Because right this moment, I can tell you that those hopes and wishes can come true, without you sacrificing everything. It's not an either-or. It's a matter of understanding where and when is enough.

I hope as I begin my career, this particular piece of writing is something that grounds me. Who knows if I can still vouch for the same when I begin my career, when put into the "real world"? But I sure do hope that my values don't get lost in this pursuit.

(Image source: http://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000025881042-y56l6c-crop.jpg?f6d22d0)

What do you trust?

P.S: Have a look at this article. It's gives an interesting insight on how financial planning should be based on our true values. I believe it provides a window of the possibility of achieving a certain balance and optimization between comfort and meaning.

The Bottom of the Yam Cake Tray

I read this article some time back, and it revolves around the old adage of "nice people finish last"; which is usually not a good thing especially if the metaphor is a race in life.

Anyway, the article has about 4 page of comments the last I skim through, and reading it will give you a good wholesome view on people who agree/disagree/indifferent towards the concepts put forth in the article. I have to say I'm one of those who leans toward the type who is more likely to cringe as I read the article. One because I don't agree personally with the concepts, two because I have observed enough to know that there are some grains of truth there that can't be denied. Nevertheless, can't be denied does not mean it has to hold true given our society is always changing (thank God!).

We always want what we can't have, that unfortunately has been the primary value advocated in a never-enough society. Which I guess is partially born out of the massive capitalism rush we have had throughout the recent century. So when you become the person less available, less nice, less *insert something not enough*, the implied value is that you are sacred, and sacred is always good.

What I disagree though is how "nice" becomes a term that leaves a bad taste in one's mouth. Oh yea, he/she is well, nice la. It has come to a point that being nice is an insult; even when nice can be kind, or gentle, or agreeable. And while I agree that "nice" does not equal to doormat, I also don't think that un-nice-ing oneself is going to lead to any happiness. For one, if you are really authentically being nice, asking you to go against yourself is likely to make you cringe, and two, resentment occurs when you change because of "wiser" advice in hopes that it will create a change for the better, yet this better change never came.

I do think people still need and should remain nice to others.

And not forget to be nice to themselves. It does not have to be either-or. By being nice to others does not mean you have to be un-nice to yourself, whoever came up with that concept? Some of the comments touch on the idea of setting boundaries and I think that is one key in maintaining your authenticity and attaining that happiness you desire.

Nice people, continue being nice to others, we all appreciate it, we really do. But understand that appreciation does not mean we will give our life to you and that you are our soul mate. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Because there is no direct correlation that if you are nice to someone, they have to marry you, or reciprocate your love. Personally, if I'm nice to someone I fancy, and that person for better or worse does not reciprocate, I still think my niceness is rewarded if they can politely and respectfully be honest with their feelings (or the lack of it, haha). Of course, we all want to get the right boy/girl at the end of the day, but niceness is not a strategy, it's a being, it's part of compassion for humans in general.

We treat people nice because people deserve to be treated nice, because we are humans. I try to adhere to this everyday and I have to admit, some people don't make it easy =P

Nice people, be nice to yourself. Don't create an "unavailable" facade but you are actually lying at home waiting for a text. If you are available, so be it. If you are not, because you are involved with your own life, so be it. Again, nice does not = not getting satisfaction in a relationship; neither does un-nice = the world will worship me (though it might seems so at the surface of it, haha)

I can't say the same for the world, but I can say it from my own perspective - that the world is a much better place because of people who are nice, because they are being nice.

And if you finish last anyway, it can't be that bad especially if the metaphor is the bottom of a good tray of yam cake, my grandma always told me that's where all the goodies are ;)