Chasing the Aurora

2nd January 2013

I saw the Northern Lights, the Aurora Borealis. To many, myself included, this was a dream come true. The faint green glow across cloudy skies prove to challenge what my naked eye could see in the beauty of the photos and videos that have fed my expectations - a bit too much.

When everyone asked me how was the Aurora, or tell me how lucky I am to have seen it, I'm greeted with a feeling of gratitude laced with guilt. Because in all honesty, I have to confess, it didn't leave me in awe. Yet, I felt it was not right to tell those who ask how beautiful it was, to tell them my perception of it. A perception that was influenced by the weather, the place I was in, and most of all, my expectations. I didn't want to be adding another set of perceptions to people's expectations.

It got me thinking though, this view I had of the Aurora Borealis. It reminds me of life, and how we are always chasing our desires. But sometimes, our desires don't turn out to be what we expect them to be. When that happens, it's difficult to reconcile the conflicting feelings within. You should feel overjoyed, and yes there is a sense of gratitude, though it feels like a bit of a let down and you're guilty for feeling so. Don't get me wrong, chase your desires. But that's just it, are they YOUR desires? Is the Aurora gorgeous because you really believe the phenomenon is life's awe or is it because it's on everyone's bucket list, and the TV and videos and HD photos just make it more gorgeous than it actually is. Again, the Aurora is gorgeous, but not the WOAH! impression, it's a silent beauty, a quiet glow, that can only be appreciated with a contented heart. While I was not left as impressed as I imagined to be, I wasn't exactly disappointed as well. As a matter of fact, I was more eager than ever to work my way to find my way up to the Scandinavian countries where there is a better view of the Aurora, or so they say. And this time, I want to do it because I really believe I can see more of the Aurora - never-ending desires or motivation? We won't know now I guess.

So, what does your Aurora look like? Can you chase after it answering your conscience, and let go of all attachment related to the outcome, whatever the outcome may be? God willing, the outcome is as you expect, but God willing also, that you have the gratitude to accept whatever outcome comes up.

Gotta run! ;)

Uncredited Happiness

Do you believe in happiness?

I should reiterate; do you think you can achieve happiness, however you choose to define "happiness"? Most of the time we assume we are deserving of happiness, and happiness is a privilege yet when it comes down to it, I think most of us find it hard to believe that we can be that happy, especially in the truest, happiest moments.

How many times have we found it annoying, and un-human-like for a person to be happy/optimistic all the time? You know that one chirpy person we all come to know? How on earth does he/she stay on top of that all.the.time?
Why would we question that?
Why would we wonder why someone can stay so Pollyanna-ish?
Why must a person be sad or portray some negative emotion to be considered "human"?
Why do we even wonder about things like that if we believe we can be truly happy all.the.time?

And. What have we done as a fellow human to deserve to see the inch of vulnerability from these people (should we expect to see it) other than prod at their unbelievable happiness?

I like the excerpt below:

“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It's more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.” 
― Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

Finally, a question for myself and whoever interested, can we really believe in others happiness, if we don't believe ourselves to be happy?

Shortum #1: Desire. Pursue. Own?

We are dared to desire,
therefore we dared.

We are dared to pursue,
therefore we dared.

We are dared to own what we've desired and managed to pursue, but how many of us lived up to that dare?

In the recent weeks, I find myself being more mindful of my desires in life, and that I'm actually daring to pursue them. But self-sabotage kicks in full-fledge and it asks me, dare I own?

To be responsible, to own the consequences, to live the highs and lows.

Woah, suddenly courage is minimized. We often live for the thrill of the chase, of acquiring, of fulfilling desires in life.

But no one tells us what to do when we actually have it.

How do we celebrate when we are actually on top of the mountain?

Wholeheartedness 2.0

Being wholehearted. It's one of those terms that seem to keep popping up when I read recently, though I'm not sure how exactly it is defined. I interpret is as being sincere, genuine, and putting your whole self into "it", whatever "it" may be (hopefully not the horror clown).

In learning this term, I find myself reflecting a lot on wholeheartedness in relationships; not just romantic ones, but friendship, family or even acquaintances. If there's one thing this year has thought me, is that relationships between humans have the power to break you, but it could also be the one thing that lifts you. As a matter of fact, not just human relationships but also one with a higher spiritual being whoever your God may be to you. Connection is so intriguing, particularly positive connections.

In relationships, I find myself with an either-or dichotomy; I either don't put any effort, or if I put any effort, it's going to be every ounce of effort I can find and make. As  far as dichotomies go, they never work that well because the world is in shades of gray (more than 50 shades I'm sure), so I learn that being wholehearted could mean giving it all at whatever level it is. Take for example, acquaintances, we often think that it's not necessary to put in so much effort, because the relationship does not reflect the closeness we desire. But as I've learnt, even short positive connections which can only happen once, like a smile to a stranger on a street or a chat with the girl in the train next to you, can leave you (and probably the other person) full of joy. It doesn't matter if you've never met before, it doesn't matter if you won't meet again, what matters is in that moment, you were wholeheartedly connecting at whatever level you are comfortable with. If you're a more private person, disclose less, if you feel comfortable, disclose more - the authenticity is what matters. I used to think that since I'm not going to see the person again, then why bother putting in so much effort, why the need to put myself "out there". Yet, I'm beginning to realise that sometimes we may only have that one chance to speak into a person's life, or better still, let someone speak into our life. How do we do it if not by giving all we have in that moment wholeheartedly?

Things get more complicated with long term relationships. Whether friendships or romantic partners, we have all been hurt. And the very thought of having a preceding history can be a burden to give it all again, simply because there is the expectation and the fear that this wholeheartedness will not be reciprocated, that history will repeat itself. The alternative though, is that what you had can be the hope that there is a chance for everything to be alright again. It's hard to put in your whole heart when it's been wounded before, I mean, is that even a whole heart to be put into again? Which is why first loves, lost loves tend to take a part of our heart we perceive to never be returned - the first stab is always the hardest. I'm quite sure we can all remember our first loves, or if not, the first time we actually had a close friend hurt our heart. And the most common question that follows is, can we love again? Like with that 100% we started with, in any of the relationships we have with any human that comes after this loss?

While I don't have any scientific reference, haha, I think wholeheartedness works this way. Yes, a part of your heart/memory/mind/whatever bits will remain with the person you love/care/lost. And yes, it's a part which probably can't be returned, recreated whatsoever. But no, it does not have to be a negative consequence that affect every other relationships that come after. If we consider that we only have 100% of a heart in whatever form, and with each hurt, a part gets hacked away, and we're only left with that little to love those that well, came late in the queue. Yet, what if our heart is infinite? And the love we can give is infinite? And each time we love, hurt, lost, heal, we are still are infinitely whole in a different form (still a 100% if you really need to put a number to this)? This different form can include the past, or not include the past, that is entirely your process. I vouch for including the past, and melding it as part of future.
Like playing plasticine, when you have a red bit broken off the colourful lump of heart, it's difficult to mould it exactly into its spot again. Nevertheless, we can still mould it in, just in a different form.We are still who we were, are and will be, just with upgraded versions.

Wholeheartedness again. Wholeheartedness 2.0. 3.0. 4.0 n.0

If we just look at how we cared and got hurt from caring, and how it chips away bits and pieces of us that never come back, and that we are forever left un-whole, we will never be able to be wholehearted.

I like this sentence; "Remember, those things will never happen again but they cannot unhappen" The past happened, we wholeheartedly let it happen once, so it won't unhappen itself just cause it no longer happens anymore. But we can let new things happen, whether it will repeat what has happened it a story of the future.

Right now, it's being wholeheartedly savouring, and graciously accepting the blessings in your life.

(Image source: http://asset1.itsnicethat.com/system/files/102012/508a494f5c3e3c2e2200b24d/img_col_4/LIST.jpg?1351242137)

Break one off, connect it to the other and reconnect.

I've got a couple of videos here that sorta-kinda relates to being wholehearted, haha because they revolve around some theme of a journey in relationships.

The first is "The Last"  (no pun intended) by Wong Fu productions which I think would have been talked to death by now. Personally, I really looked forward to it after watching the trailer and I was not disappointed. Really enjoyed the play on the concept of Wh-words; gave the story dimension. Wholeheartedness was captured in the video because even though she was the 6th person, she encapsulated everything. Whether or not the previous 5 only encapsulated one aspect of his life or more is open to debate. And I hope that every person, guy or girl who utters such words of such weight, holds on to the meaning wholeheartedly.

The next two videos are perhaps somewhat in opposition with each other in terms of story line. "The Last Part" had a happier ending where two people who were in a journey together, had an end together while "Say Goodbye" also touched on another long journey between two people, but well, it was a less happy ending at least from most fairytale perspectives, hehe. Again, being wholehearted means to be to be so in the entire journey however long, or short, whatever the ending may be.

As a matter of fact, I think that was described very well in the Director's notes for "The Last Part" and I quote "good things are always worked for, cared for and preserved". Wholeheartedly.

I didn't write this to promote any videos, though I think they all deserve massive credits. It was just an amazing coincidence or blessing rather, that I came across all 3 as I was thinking of this particular topic close to my heart.

And Danielle LaPorte once said "The antidote to exhaustion is not rest, it's wholeheartedness"

You ready for wholehearted 2.0? =)

"An unexamined life is not worth living"

Or so Socrates said (sorta kinda, nothing sounds nicer than in its original Latin phrase anyway).

We are all called to look for the meaning of our life, or at least that's what a lot of the information we get nowadays tell us. Self-reflect, look within, look for your passion, seek your goal, find your calling, et cetera.

While I would probably be on the proposition of examining, it leaves me perplexed. If I don't examine my life, or if you don't examine your life, does it really lose its worth?
Well, what does "examining" concern? And what is "worth" measured by?

What boggles me is, why do we go through all this trouble? Honest to heart, any journey that requires you to look inside, seek something bigger, anything bigger than yourself, is far far away from comfortable. While there is a lot of learning that is accrued over time, sometimes I wonder if the learning is necessary, or do we cari pasal (finding trouble)?

Is it really necessary to continue this discomfort?

I'm growing to embrace it, because it happens to me anyway. I've been told I think too much, seeking too much meaning. Heck, the first thing that pops in my mind when someone tells me something is, "What do you mean?" I like to go underneath, and inside stuff, understanding or at least trying to understand why.

But I know so many people who can live through life not bothered about so much why, or any deeper meaning of any sort, and just take life as it comes. And frankly, they don't seem to be too bothered by the lack of not knowing why. "It just is, what why?"

Maybe I've yet to strike a balance between embracing the now (learning! learning!) and still enjoying the journey of seeking a bigger purpose.

My question is, what's the worth in examining one's life? Why do you seek beyond, or why not?

"Will you love me in the morning?"

This is one of the key lines from the movie "Click" where Kate Beckinsale wrote the question on a piece of napkin for Adam Sandler after he tried to pick her up at the bar.

I cried every time I watch the movie (I've watched it 3 times), though it's not due to this particular line, if you haven't watch it, I do suggest you to, it's quite a nice lighthearted movie =)

Today's post was inspired by this thoughtcatalog article; Maybe Don't Kiss Me

One would often see the sentence being uttered in the context preceding a one-night stand, often romanticized by social media, but I think the sentence holds meaning beyond just passion that last a night; it could open a world of questions of what people will do when the alcohol wears off, the bright lights dim and 3am loneliness disappears like it never existed.

In this amazing world where we are constantly bombarded by different and various stimulations every single moment, we start to learn to feel guilty when we don't respond to each and everyone of it. It's a personal conflict of my own, and I think this article; The Long Arc of Commitment describes pretty well how we are often find ourselves letting go of a core value for something that is more immediate, more accessible where we don't have to "strain to feel its aliveness".

Though I'm speaking in the context of relationships, particularly romantic relationships, I think it's applicable to all kinds of relationships. When it comes down to it, connection with people are often the greatest risk to take - and perhaps has the greatest return. It is downright letting yourself be vulnerable to the influence of another person(s), which can be extremely intimidating if you have been hogging the driver's seat for so long. And sometimes, we continue hogging this seat with more immediate stimulation; material possessions, advancement in career, fun, etc. While there's nothing wrong with seeking pleasure or what you want in life, asking yourself what is the core you hold on to may give you insight on what is key to your life, but just not "felt" strongly the current moment.

I don't only hope for commitment, I expect commitment. I welcome flexibility but I cannot agree with running away all the time; after a while, escape routes become stale and you just find yourself in the same spot you try to disappear from all this time - nope, it's still there. While there's the notion that one should not have expectations, one of the key principle in my life is integrity which I correlate with commitment; to stick to one's guns.

Of course, life changes, all.the.time. And no one can ever be so damn sure that anything will turn out as they intend to.

But when it comes to forced choices, the spanking reality of the morning, with its temptations, with its challenges,  what will you do?

Will you dare to love me in the morning?