The Weight of Stories

If there's one thing I dislike, it's to feel uncomfortable. I am at odds with discomfort. And I define discomfort as an in-between, neither here-not-there interlude situations. It feels much better to be at the starting point before the discomfort happen or right at the end when the discomfort is over. #firstworldproblems?

Add to that the fact that we're in the fastest era yet, to be in a process that takes time is really pushing massive buttons. Especially in relationships, or any connection for that matter. In the video "The Last Part", the core question was "What makes best friends, best friends?" To which one of the answer was "time". Yea, tick-tock-tick-tock, that kind of time. The moment-to-moment, unfolding in its pace kinda time. And as each moment unfolds, it is an empty page for comfort, or discomfort. Or somewhere in between. Which often makes us want to pull our hair out. So how do we deal with it?

Unfortunately, the prominent way of dealing in the culture is to chop-chop-fast-fast. So we just take control of the reins, create the situation we desire and then wait for the other person to react, hopefully in the way we expect. And because life prefer to have its reins, it often does not end up pretty. Hence, the increase of what is called the hook-up culture. Where we all crave connections, but have no idea how to deal with the process of it, we try to "create" the connection as fast as we can, yet end up more disappointed than ever. Read article here and here. 

Floodlighting. That's the term Brene Brown gave to our strategy of shielding vulnerability, in this case, perhaps the vulnerability that arises from the discomfort of not sure where this relationship is going. And mind you, it's between friends, families and any two stranger who are trying to establish something beyond hello-and-goodbye. Floodlighting is that kind of sharing where it soothes our own pain or intents to test loyalty/tolerance or hot-wiring new connection (the kind like in hook-up cultures) or a combination of any of these. In her book, she writes "You can't use vulnerability to discharge your own discomfort, or as a tolerance barometer in a relationship (I'll share this and see if you stick around"), or to fast-forward a relationship - it just won't co-operate" (Daring Greatly, pg. 159). Touche.

Remember the times when someone new, and you're just enjoying the getting-to-know-you process and bam! he or she tells you the sob stories of their entire life and how finding you is their greatest gift. You just met them 15 minutes ago. And yea, love at first sight, well...I'll leave that to you, haha. The point is, while some of us can and do instantly connect, I believe the strongest connections are those that weather through time. What the instant connection gives us is the hope that hey, this could go somewhere and hey, maybe I'm going to give that disconcerting process of making friends a shot. 

With every shield, comes a daring greatly strategy, a sort-of strategy anyway. There's no hard and fast rule to avoid the discomfort and the floodlighting strategy in reaction to the discomfort. But the general idea from her is that we need to practice self-compassion, and that includes sharing boundaries. I love this line "When it comes to vulnerability, connectivity means sharing our stories with people who have earned the right to hear them - people with whom we've cultivated relationships that can bear the weight of our story" (Daring Greatly, pg. 160). That is the single strongest takeaway I took from the book when I read, because I feel pressure all the time to share, even when I don't feel comfortable. But Brene Brown reminds us that boundaries are a form of self-compassion. We are not being defensive. The other idea is that we need to clarify our intentions. In essence, are we genuinely sharing or are we using the sharing for some other manipulative reason? It's hard to draw the line really, though I believe just as no one can question your intention, no one knows your intention best, but your honest self. 

So making connections is discomforting. And whether we floodlight or not, it does not change the fact that with connections come discomfort. Because that's where the gold lies. "The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we sting together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles" (Brown, Daring Greatly, pg.160).

While it feels like sitting in a chair which does not fit you yet, and you're moving about trying to feel comfortable, know that you will find that sweet spot. If not, maybe, just maybe the connection ain't for you. 

In response to what make best friends, best friends, or what makes true friends, true friends?

It is when we can, want and choose to bear the weight of each other's life story throughout our journey together.

Shortum #1: Desire. Pursue. Own?

We are dared to desire,
therefore we dared.

We are dared to pursue,
therefore we dared.

We are dared to own what we've desired and managed to pursue, but how many of us lived up to that dare?

In the recent weeks, I find myself being more mindful of my desires in life, and that I'm actually daring to pursue them. But self-sabotage kicks in full-fledge and it asks me, dare I own?

To be responsible, to own the consequences, to live the highs and lows.

Woah, suddenly courage is minimized. We often live for the thrill of the chase, of acquiring, of fulfilling desires in life.

But no one tells us what to do when we actually have it.

How do we celebrate when we are actually on top of the mountain?

Life as Words

Like many people, throughout the years I had projects that I started enthusiastically - some were completed successfully, some fell through the cracks along the way, most are still work in progress. But there is one "project", I don't count it as a project really but more like a part of me. It is one that I've been committed to for the past 10 years including this year - writing a journal. I made it a point to start every year and end every year with a page in my own private journal, so there is one every year which brings to a total of about plus minus 10 journals in different shapes and sizes. Some years the journal pages are bare, some years, one is not even enough.

Like I said, it didn't start so much as a project more than me feeling like I need a place to voice. And believe you me, I am not that extroverted, my thoughts are very much my own, so my journals are my safe place to pick my own brain and heart to say the least. It's been years now, and what all these journal entries provided me are a sense of continuity, a sense of grounding. I don't suggest living in the past, but I do believe in remembering your roots to fly towards the future. I don't read my old journal entries everyday, but when I do, I am reminded of the stories I lived and thrived to. And I guess that's my point here;

Writing is nourishing.

I consider using the term healing, but it's not like a dosage of once a day scribble can automatically take your headache away, though research has shown the benefits of journaling. What I do think is nourishing though, is that when you write, you give voice to your thoughts, you respect it, and you learn to love it for what it is. In a world where everything competes for your attention, sometimes the most important core of ourselves get drowned in these external sources. Writing it on the other hand, tends to empower what is really within you - though admittedly this gets easier with practice. I have to say though, writing my journal sometimes lead to me being caught up with my own perspective of my stories. But if there's anything I've learnt throughout my years of journaling is that if you are true to yourself, and take it as a mirror for you and only you, the real stories get differentiated from those we are told by whatever source that stops us from thriving in our lives. After all, we are only as true as the stories we tell, or the stories we let ourselves believe.

Some people prefer blogs, some people prefer microblogging, but whatever media you choose to empower your thoughts in, the choice is to be with your thoughts, and that could be all that matters. To find a way to release the becoming burden of thoughts on the brain by freeing them into words.
I have an inkling though that if a fire were to break out, and I could save only one possession, it might be my journals, hahaha. As a matter of fact, when asked what are some of the most important possessions in my life, I could really only say two; my phone which I use to communicate with the world, and my journals, which I use to communicate with myself.

That said and done, writing does not have to be about yourself, or your thoughts. It could also be writing about others, or even to others; the latter being something I really advocate. When was the last time you received a snail mail and it's way way more exciting, most importantly heartwarming than the Whatsapp message you can receive within a milisecond? While I don't deny that the beauty of letters is much influenced by its scarcity in this era, I still strongly believe that it will always be classic beauty. A lot of soul goes into writing a letter. Love letters, care letter, hello letters, random letters. It's nourishing both for the person who wrote it, and the person who receives it. Tell me that is not killing two birds with one stone, haha. I must say I've been very blessed in this arena having been given the chances to both be the writer and recipient of letters that breathe soul, which somehow can never be found in any other media. And for a person to actually sit and write a letter, and try to frame their thoughts in relation to another person, I think it really nourishes the connection between them. This video by Hannah Brencher sums it pretty well.

A lot of us presume that writing is something only the most creative can do, and that it's only most valuable when there is some form of creative value attached to it. I strongly beg to differ. I think writing is about the honesty and genuine-ness of thoughts that are now given life as words. 

So if you've not tried writing, give it a shot? Forget about the essays we had to write in high school, the ones where you have to have a paragraph statement, and proper pronouns, adverbs what-nots. Oh and forget the an-inch-from-margin rule as well, just write. "Some of my most honest writing occurs in the twilight zone of walking and sleeping, of feeling, knowing and understanding". I literally typed this sentence into my phone when I was inspired by a 5 a.m. jolt from my sleep. So I daresay, writing is something we all can do, it's not about prettifying words, nor is it about correctness.

It's about you, your thoughts and your words.

P.S: Oh, another way I write, is by writing to my future self. I know that can sound totally weird, but before you freak out, it's just basically trying to create a sense of continuity into the future, and often, to encourage hope. So my letters to future me often involve goals, asking me about how I am in the future, and just giving myself the space to imagine how I want to be at whatever time I am in the future. Personally, it helps me make a commitment within the time space, and often when I receive it in the future, it grounds me and reminds me of all the blessings I had. I don't think there's a correct format for it, it just really is writing a letter to another person, who happens to be yourself. And trust me, you'll more likely smile when you receive the letter than weirded out, haha. For this I use awesome technology which enable you to set when to send the letter such as futureme.org and ohlife.com.

So, you writing tonight?

Money Not Enough

What if money didn't matter?

I came across this video the other day, and the core of the video asks the question above and explains how we should be happy rather than acquiring money. I agree. and disagree. Perhaps its the seemingly extreme-either-or-point-of-view implied by the video, perhaps it's my daftness and lack of experience in the "real working world", but let me explain my perspective.

A friend's comment on the video went something like this "Many will agree, but few will actually take the step to it", it referring to the theme of the video above. I don't think this means anybody at fault, but it does hint at each of us having different priorities, or at least, different ways of acquiring our real, valued priorities.

Let me just say this, I think we're antagonizing money too much. And I honestly don't think money per se is at fault here more than our attitude towards it. The thing about proposing the pursuit of money (or other materials) as a definite trade off for happiness often seems like an extreme. Why do we equate the chase for money as the run away from happiness? Pardon my naivety, but is it not possible to pursuit both, with its level of priority being different during different phases of life? It's rather common nowadays to hear people romanticizing only those who follow their heart, to pursue whatever passion they have without considering money at all. That a diet of pizzas, sleeping on different couches and the occasional drunken hangover night becomes the symbol of #YOLO and follow-my-heart. What about those who seek to delay gratification of personal happiness and focus on ensuring the well-being of themselves and loved ones? The famous Maslow's hierarchy (while damned by much of the research community) I think sets the idea quite well that we need to get our basic life needs (i.e. roof above our head, safe environment) prior to the pursuit of more abstract concepts that further empower our life's meaning - and money does not mean we will definitely get that, though it can be a large assistant.

I know people whose parents did not start doing a job because they are #YOLO-ing and follow their heart; it was a job that could provide for their family, and it became a job they love. I know I can sit here today because my dad has chosen a pathway that allows the pursuit of a certain level of comfort for his family. Does he love his job with a passion? I'm not sure, I tried asking him that, but the answers I got were more or less revolving around the idea that we do what we have to do and with much blessing, the pathway has paved more pathways to acquire happiness while not forgetting the certain level of comfort.

I know people who hold a full-time job they may or may not enjoy with their passion, but it gives them the resources to pursue their real passion albeit at a more "part-time" rate. And I can't say they are any less happier than those who went all out to pursue their passion and antagonize the idea of material pursuits. My friend reminded me the other day that we don't have to be afraid of being labelled as sell-out just because we chose to pursue a certain level of material resources at certain stages in life. He also mentioned how people tend to put those who go all out and leave their families in shambles, and how we put them on the pedestal of bravery. While I agree a certain level of sacrifice is needed to achieve the greatness in life, my personal values in life don't find me agreeing with it totally.

Money is not our enemy. The pursuit of it is not our enemy. Our mindset of this pursuit, that's the darkness we have to be afraid of. When the never-enough mindset sets in, when the pursuit becomes the priority all the time, that's the source of unhappiness. Again, even for someone like my dad who understands the need to provide for his family, and has worked tirelessly for it can ask me "How much is enough?" and proceed to tell me that it will never be enough, and we will soon tire before anything ever becomes enough.

Again, I believe in passion, I really do believe in the the fire that lights up one's eyes. It's an amazing sight most of us never forget, and never forget feeling when we are called to its time. But ask yourself, are we putting those who antagonize material pursuits because we truly believe the pursuit of it is evil, or are we projecting our hopes and secret wishes on those who dare step beyond such pursuits? Because right this moment, I can tell you that those hopes and wishes can come true, without you sacrificing everything. It's not an either-or. It's a matter of understanding where and when is enough.

I hope as I begin my career, this particular piece of writing is something that grounds me. Who knows if I can still vouch for the same when I begin my career, when put into the "real world"? But I sure do hope that my values don't get lost in this pursuit.

(Image source: http://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000025881042-y56l6c-crop.jpg?f6d22d0)

What do you trust?

P.S: Have a look at this article. It's gives an interesting insight on how financial planning should be based on our true values. I believe it provides a window of the possibility of achieving a certain balance and optimization between comfort and meaning.

Rocks and Wind

Kindness is a roof over your head for the night from an old friend you've not spoken to in ages.

Laughter is the sharing of experiences, perspectives and good 'ol memories over a kangkung belacan dinner - with the same old friend.

Courage is the opportunity to put yourself out there, in the arena, in front of 40 people, sharing a topic you are personally passionate about.

Humbled is sitting among these 40 people and learning lessons you would never otherwise realise as a lone island.

Thankful is for the prosperity blessed upon the parents, and thus myself for the train rides and coffee breaks.

Silly is paying at a cafe to realise they don't take card and you have no cash.

Service is when you ran across the road to get cash, and come back to find that the barista reheated the milk in your mocha so it stays warm.

Surprise is finding a lil bit of sweet cream cheese in an otherwise normal looking blueberry muffin.

Friendship is sharing fresh eggs from the chooks in your own allotment.

Lucky is when the train you thought you missed was delayed and therefore you made it.

Life is everything of the above; everything more, everything less. Thank you.

It's days like these that I realise good, bad, negative, positive or even neutral is part and parcel of life. Most importantly, my faith in humanity's niceness is reinforced.

Yesterday I've had the chance to present at a business psychologist event about my dissertation which core is focused on relationships in the workplace, particularly quality ones and how this influences growth whether of the organisation and/or the individual.As most of my writings would hint by now, I'm extremely fascinated with human behaviours particularly how we connect, and the good parts, more so that the bad parts. Being able to present on a topic that I'm immensely interested in to a group of 40 people ranging from students, to working adults to experts in my field was definitely nerve-wrecking to say the least. But it also made me realised that I was experiencing exactly what my dissertation was trying to describe; that moments of quality engagement such as this 2 hour event can lead to so many positive outcomes - in this case, knowledge sharing. While the presentation part left me jittery, I really enjoyed the more informal session towards the end of the events where I had the chance to share deeper about my topic with a couple of people whom I've never met before (and probably will never meet again) thanks to that 15 minutes of connection we had earlier. It feels satisfying to be able to experience what I've been trying to describe - kinda like walking my talk.

The thing about connection is that it rolls on like dominoes falling, but in a good way. Because I had to attend the event, I also had the chance to reconnect with an old friend, a high school classmate whom I've not spoken to in ages. Had a great time catching up over dinner, and guess what, our conversations revolved a lot abut connections as well. Particularly interesting was our discussion on LDR. We both agreed that LDR is much more challenging nowadays but we had different point of views as to why it is more challenging. His point of view echoed the idea that the current generation's mindset is that it is easier to throw things away and start over than to spend time fixing it. I suggested it could be because we have a mindset of too many choices, too many things out there in the world to explore, so committing to one area in a long term is very much challenging. More so that commitment tends to be equated with no/lack of freedom. I know of people who've said that there's always the possibility of being committed and yet still enjoy this exploration together, but we all have to admit, sometimes words are easier uttered than acted upon. The conclusion we had was that  the world is too fast and too rapid for connections and relationships where its goodness may take longer than a snap of finger to realise. I mean, why would a person want to invest in something that may or may not bring joy in the long run, but definitely some pain in the foreseeable future when they can first fling with all the pleasures in the world?

That said and done, I still think everyone should still take the chance to see the world, haha conflict much.

No (wo)man is a lone island.

I guess it's because connection and relationships are so core to the human being that it is the same reason it is taken for granted. It should be there, it is there, it is as ordinary as it can be. Yet the value in ordinary, ah, that's the magic isn't it? Personally, my wake up call to remind me about the value of relationships came with the realisation that while people value connection because or especially when they feel lonely or sad, I think connection is also worth much more when you have someone to be happy with you.

It's difficult not to have a shoulder to lean on when you're depressed, but it's a whole different palate of sadness in my opinion to not have someone to share with when you receive the joyful news in your life.

Amidst the tons of train travelling, dragging luggage across terrain, presentation jitters, good food and great conversations, I am reminded that it is up to us to decide if people are the rocks on our cape, or the wind beneath our wings.

Blindsiding experiences

Had a slowed-down weekend. I know it doesn't make sense for a person who's not working nor studying to say that, but the thing is my brain tends to be really active even if I'm sitting down doing nothing. Whether it is active-productive or not, that's another story. Haha. So I did one of my favourite-est things to do, taking a walk in the park. It's the one thing I'll really really really miss about the UK, the vast parks and the clear blue skies (yes, we do have clear blue skies when we do). Plus it's Autumn, which means the colours are amazing; even more vivid this year apparently due to the funky prolonged wintery season we've been having, =)

 Click! Can see the morning dew on the autumn loves, =)

Slipped and sat on this large tree trunk, haha

The other favourite stuff I did (I have a lot of favourite stuff actually) is to listen to inspiring talks, my main source now is from TED Talks and Good Life Project, tons of yummy stuff there. Oh, and reading interesting articles as well. So, as I was trying to consolidate all these new information I've been receiving, one thought crossed my mind : a lot of these inspiration came from people who have "been through, done that" and thus can impart their wisdom, but what if it's suitable for them or people who have gone through what they've been through, and not necessary people who are still green and yet to hit those milestones. Would the advice that came from someone twice our age make any sense at our current age, or are we trying to blindside the experiences we are suppose to have so we fail less/make less mistakes. I'm not sure if I'm even making sense here.

Look at the amount of information we can gather just by the tips of our fingers. Type something into Google and you're bound to find some Guru telling you about something which pretty sounds like it makes sense because we are not there yet to determine its authenticity. I hope I don't come across as cynical here, but I was just wondering if this information bombardment can sometimes be creating a shell for us to hide from the real experiences meant for us rather than give us a safe platform as a base. Of course, we can debate what is "real" or not, but I'm defining real in terms of actually being in the arena, actually carrying out a plan and failing it, of owning our own failures. And obviously we can't avoid failures just because we've maximised the number of good advices we take from 50 wise people, sometimes things fail because that's part of life.

Take gratitude for example. I'm a huge proponent of it, because for the longest time, even right now, it is a value that I live by. There are tons of articles, talks, speeches out there that remind us to be grateful, how to be grateful, when to be grateful; even articles on how gratitude can stunt our growth. Basically we have information that covers the whole spectrum, pretty wholesome if you ask me. But with some much information available, how many of us still actively seek experiences that help us make our own information, experiences that we can call our own despite certain universal differences with the rest of the world?

My point here is, information bombardment can sometimes make us want to blindside life by forgoing certain experiences when we take too much advice, when we listen to everyone except ourselves. This is not a license to be an asshole and go around rebutting every single person, but I also think that there is an infinite amount of experiences out there for each of us which can never be claimed by the vast amount of information already available.

So let this be a reminder to us, and myself, that we need to seek our experiences, own our experiences. This week, let's all go out there, with the advice we decide to take and with the heart of adventure, and find some to call our own.

You are your past, but not just your past

You are the awkward person you cringe when you look at old photos,
And the constant over-achiever of the medals that stand in the cupboard.

You are the collection of painful memories with some that still sting freshly,
You are the collage of joyful memoirs that warms the depth of your heart.

You broke your first heart,
And you let your heart be broken the first time.

You are the one who made that horribly stupid mistake,
You are the one who inspired that amazing incident.

You are your past, 
but not just your past.

If there's one thing I wish for, is for all of us to live our lives in peace with our past, and in peace with the anxiety of future that hasn't come.
I wish for us to live the now. Not so much in the #YOLO way, but in the right-now-I'm-alright way.
Nothing suffocates more than trying to catch up with a life going backwards, when all it does is move forward, because life moves forward.

We can't change the past, but we can change how we choose to live the decisions of our past.

And yes, we can choose to live that happily.

P.S: Here's a TED talk that might help; "Don't Regret Regret"

50 hours + 1

Productive. What is your perspective on this term?

A friend brought up a question today, "Why must our society put in 50 hours of work week (referring particularly to the Asian society) to be deemed productive?"

While I think there is a movement looking into balance between efficiency and effectiveness, it's undeniable that when you don't put in that expected 50 hours, the idea is that you have not been productive enough and that idea could be implied from the society, or even you yourself.

So what is considered productive? More hours doing something, whatever something is? Or doing something that seems like something to other people? Or outcomes, yea, what about using outcomes as a measure - more tangible outcomes, more productive?

Danielle LaPorte mentioned here about the divinity of procrastination in a hyperproductive society. While I think procrastination is more misused that not, I like how she termed us a hyperproductive society. Brene Brown conceptualized this as part of the scarce culture of our society, of a never-enough society, of a society always striving for imperfection.

In this you-can-never-do-enough society, it's hard to feel enough, ever if at all. Even trying to be enough is a freaking race of its own. I like how a friend quoted here that we are approval junkies, that try as we may, we will consider what others think of us. That if we are supposed to put in 50 damn hours, we will put in 50 damn hours + 1 so we don't feel like an outcast.

Okay, maybe not approval junkies. But taking a social constructionism point of view, in which the basis of our reality is formed by interwoven influences of our relationship with people, our history, the society's influenced, one-man-island concept is seriously not working here.

Why did I write about this? Because I'm trying to grasp my sense of being productive. In a society where bottom line counts, how do you tell the world, and your conscience that experiences are as worth it as the dollar per hour? How does one "justify" the "value" of travelling to different countries, writing articles, connecting with people, making gifts as being productive equivalent to a 9 - 5 job or extrapolating it so it creates value to get a job?

And I find the most difficult part not justifying to people, but to myself. To allow myself to be enough, by just making the most out of my moments without needing to feel that I should be putting in hours so it will give me money in the future. Then I wonder, is there a need for justification?

So how do you grasp your idea of productivity? How do you determine when, how is enough?

To embrace seasons, to being and just be.

The Bottom of the Yam Cake Tray

I read this article some time back, and it revolves around the old adage of "nice people finish last"; which is usually not a good thing especially if the metaphor is a race in life.

Anyway, the article has about 4 page of comments the last I skim through, and reading it will give you a good wholesome view on people who agree/disagree/indifferent towards the concepts put forth in the article. I have to say I'm one of those who leans toward the type who is more likely to cringe as I read the article. One because I don't agree personally with the concepts, two because I have observed enough to know that there are some grains of truth there that can't be denied. Nevertheless, can't be denied does not mean it has to hold true given our society is always changing (thank God!).

We always want what we can't have, that unfortunately has been the primary value advocated in a never-enough society. Which I guess is partially born out of the massive capitalism rush we have had throughout the recent century. So when you become the person less available, less nice, less *insert something not enough*, the implied value is that you are sacred, and sacred is always good.

What I disagree though is how "nice" becomes a term that leaves a bad taste in one's mouth. Oh yea, he/she is well, nice la. It has come to a point that being nice is an insult; even when nice can be kind, or gentle, or agreeable. And while I agree that "nice" does not equal to doormat, I also don't think that un-nice-ing oneself is going to lead to any happiness. For one, if you are really authentically being nice, asking you to go against yourself is likely to make you cringe, and two, resentment occurs when you change because of "wiser" advice in hopes that it will create a change for the better, yet this better change never came.

I do think people still need and should remain nice to others.

And not forget to be nice to themselves. It does not have to be either-or. By being nice to others does not mean you have to be un-nice to yourself, whoever came up with that concept? Some of the comments touch on the idea of setting boundaries and I think that is one key in maintaining your authenticity and attaining that happiness you desire.

Nice people, continue being nice to others, we all appreciate it, we really do. But understand that appreciation does not mean we will give our life to you and that you are our soul mate. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Because there is no direct correlation that if you are nice to someone, they have to marry you, or reciprocate your love. Personally, if I'm nice to someone I fancy, and that person for better or worse does not reciprocate, I still think my niceness is rewarded if they can politely and respectfully be honest with their feelings (or the lack of it, haha). Of course, we all want to get the right boy/girl at the end of the day, but niceness is not a strategy, it's a being, it's part of compassion for humans in general.

We treat people nice because people deserve to be treated nice, because we are humans. I try to adhere to this everyday and I have to admit, some people don't make it easy =P

Nice people, be nice to yourself. Don't create an "unavailable" facade but you are actually lying at home waiting for a text. If you are available, so be it. If you are not, because you are involved with your own life, so be it. Again, nice does not = not getting satisfaction in a relationship; neither does un-nice = the world will worship me (though it might seems so at the surface of it, haha)

I can't say the same for the world, but I can say it from my own perspective - that the world is a much better place because of people who are nice, because they are being nice.

And if you finish last anyway, it can't be that bad especially if the metaphor is the bottom of a good tray of yam cake, my grandma always told me that's where all the goodies are ;)

Teacher Sorrow, Teacher Pleasure

"I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser,
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me."
-Robert Browning Hamilton-

This is one of my favourite quotes, helps me normalize suffering times, like period pains. Haha.

Jokes aside. As someone who personally advocates Positive Psychology, if we equate pleasurable times to positive times, it makes me wonder if we indeed can learn when we are all happy lalaland; and if Positive Psychology has any value at all.

Consider one time when you really learned an important lesson in life that you are ever grateful for.

Was it totally pleasurable? Or was there at least some sense of discomfort that elicited negative emotions?

While we shun from negative emotions, it is essentially the brain's defensive mode of realising that we are in a negative situation and that we need to get out of it. The process of getting out of it is where we (usually) learn. Then we get to the pleasurable situation we desire, until the next time we find ourselves in some discomfort again.

So, it really seems that Sorrow is necessary and well, Pleasure is just a desired end? Thus, it boggles me how pleasure and/or its cousins (i.e. happiness) can help much other than maybe just playing a part in the process of getting out of Sorrow. Then it hit me, that's what it is about, the role it plays in the process.

Can you remember the time when it was so difficult to get out of sorrow, and you just felt like no amount of wise words on Tumblr or funny 9gag memes can pull you through, when one person, just one person told you that they believe in you, that you can walk through this and they walk with you? See, Pleasure on its own really is lalaland, but when we see pleasure as part of its other constructs such as hope, gratitude, faith, Pleasure becomes a very strong motivation in guiding one out of the darkness. Sometimes we need that little belief in us, and not just all realism to help us believe we can move on. It does not have to be logical or rational, but it does make us feel good enough to walk through it.

And then it hit me again, about how Pleasure or when we feel good, our eyes are open to so much beauty in the world. This being open to beauty and good things is inherently what keeps us believing we will get out of being sorrowful and learn the lessons Sorrow is teaching. In that case, Pleasure isn't exactly useless after all huh?

Personally, Sorrow taught me a lot, it's one of my greatest teachers because I find that I learn so much more when I thrive. But I also realise a life of Sorrow, no matter how much thriving and overcoming just makes one feel like life is suppose to be a constant work. While it will always be that to a certain extent, Pleasure, or particularly happiness opened my heart to see beyond this life full of effort, that living can be effortful and effortless. I saw and felt things I know I would never be able to experience if it was just Sorrow. Pleasure taught me the grace of accepting that things can be simply good, because life can be simply good and when that happens, it's about embracing and not overcoming. This one lesson is something new I've learn this year, a lesson much appreciated thanks to teacher Pleasure =)

So I guess that instills my faith in Positive Psychology, that when approached with the best fit and right heart, it can be an equally good teacher as Sorrow.

And that I'll always remind myself that life is a learning journey with both Sorrow and Pleasure.

Love's Insurance

Dear both of you,

Hello =)

I just thought that I could help give my perspective, and yes that means you can take it, leave it or don't give two shits about it. But I hope you at least listen once with an open mind - most importantly, an open heart.

Love has no insurance.

Yes, that's the bad news, among most of the ambiguous, vague news associated with what we humans call love. There is no insurance because if there is, I would sure as hell buy one, regardless of price. Given my tendency to be as volatile as most women out there (or humans in general really), who the heck does not want some form of insurance to guarantee that if I put my whole heart and soul into any relationship, the other person will con-damn-firm reciprocate equally, if not more. 

Thing is, I don't think that is real. And the other thing is, we like to think it's possible, it's "real" and so we create our idea of insurance. Oh, and there are plenty of ways we create such insurance. Maybe by being the "perfect" boyfriend/girlfriend/human, making sure that there is no absolute room for mistake, making sure that we don't repeat mistakes others make. Or by imitating and repeating what seems to work for that perfect couple we always admire, that we should make sure we take every single same step because that should guarantee sure-fire-happy-forever, right? Or by pointing out the other person's mistake, and how it's the other person's fault and if only the other person would change, everything would be better. Or by blaming all on me, poor old me who can never do anything right, not even my relationship, I can never be good enough.

Etc. etc. etc.

Tell me then, have those "insurances" worked? Once or twice maybe, the other times? Totally gone off unexpectedly. 

Love makes you breathe fear and shit vulnerability, and that's romantic, that's human.

You can't say you accept someone's wrongdoings and who they are, yet you want a guarantee that they will be goddamn sure not to repeat it the next time around. That every time a situation is close to triggering these behaviours that turn you off the story line begins to revolve around pointing fingers and omg-forgiveness-is-wasted.

Did you really forgive? You can't accept yet don't trust and forgive. That is the most fertile breeding ground for resentment. I've been there, and it is not fun. You can't quicken the process of forgiveness and moving past hurt without actually feeling the hurt. Because you will get to the end point to realise you've just been thrown back to the starting point - twice as far.

Did you see him/her as a human? More than your boyfriend/girlfriend. More than what their name brings with their personality and what their histories have told you, do you see them as a human as vulnerable as your are, as scared as you are; that hey, you are both in the same arena, not opposite ends?

I don't know why you both got into where you both are. Feelings? Lust? Loneliness?

Or, maybe love? Real love, love that you both define as true. No one can say it is, nor can they say it isn't, the both of you get to decide that.

So, where do we go from here you ask me? I'll throw that question back at both of you, and actually, I have more questions =)

Will you see each other as human beings, above all the external identities your history, society and life has prescribe upon you?
Will you respect that your relationship is a relationship unique to the both of you, with the romance, rough edges, weird spots and eccentric lines all belonging to both of you and only you both?
Will you see the problems that now occur as something that stems from both sides, and that both sides initiate and reciprocate it in order to fuel it, and that both of you needs to work on it with your strengths and advantages?

Will you believe, have faith, and trust a love like yours is never to be found again?

Sincerely, with all my hopes, blessings and prayers for you both,
A friend.

Loving, Letting Go

This post is inspired by a poem written by a friend of mine, click link. She is such an amazing writer with inspiration and genuineness flowing with each word, I do highly suggest you read her blog.

Her poem speaks about how love can be defined by the absence of words and actions, as much as it can defined by the presence of both words and actions.

Personally, I think any form of love or connection for that matter should be something we constantly seek to show, because we all need reminders. But her poem reminded me of how love is also trusting the people we love to know themselves, to love themselves, to be themselves. And sometimes, above all, the kind of love we desire is one that allows us to express us as we are.

It is not easy.

Thankfully, I have role models for that; my mother is an amazing person when it comes to trusting her children knows best and loving from afar. I'm extremely proud of her, and have been doing my best to learn this form of faith and understanding =)

I particularly love this stanza:

"The kind of Love that places respect in the idea that
despite their well-meaning expectations and tendency to control,
by them do I not make my choices, nor from them do I claim my right to be my own soul."

In this year, I've learnt a lot about myself being away in a relatively different environment. I say relatively different because while it is geographically/physically different, I find myself bringing my routines from life back home and assimilating it with the life I have - and I think to some extent, we can't "get rid" of what we are, but we can learn and re-learn.

What I've learn is the importance of human relationships to me, as a base. It's one of those things where the presence of it enriches life, and the absence of it just throws me into an abyss. Maybe it has always been important to be, and I only realised it when I'm far away from comfort. Or maybe I knew it is always important to me and I made sure I kept to it when I'm put in a situation where I might lose it. I'm not really sure.

But well, that's one learning, and reading my friend's poem today reminds me of the old adage "If you love someone, let them go". If my parents never trusted me to let me leave, I might forever resent them for stopping me. And I assure you going home is more than the wanting to go back to a comfort zone, it's going back to certain values that I hold true.

Also, I am reminded of what a friend once told me long, long ago that sometimes we leave people because our presence is the one thing that hinders their growth from this point on. While I believe in growing together, I do agree with this point as well, so why not try and remove yourself from the equation, see what happens? After all, love is about the other person, as much as about yourself.

So this poem reminds me once again that one way to love anyone I care for is to trust that they know their best, and have faith that letting them go when they want to.

And it's not about the returning.

A little note of gratitude

I promise to make this as short as I possibly can.

So. The results are in, I am officially graduating as a Masters of Science in Occupational Psychology (with Distinction).

Yippee!

I don't think words can describe how I actually feel now (though 'surreal' might be a good place to start) but I do have words to thank all those who have been through the journey with me; directly or indirectly. I've actually written this in the Acknowledgement page of my dissertation, but well, the photo was kinda too small. Okay okay, to the point.

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A Little Note of Gratitude

My family. Thank you for being there all the way, serious all the way. When they never fail to remind me that my worth is not based on my results, or how much money I spend, or how much I'm invested in, that me, just being me is good enough. For someone who is massive perfectionist and mostly kiasu, it takes a lot of patience to drill into me that my worth is not, and never will be something externally defined. These are the people who remind me, and help me understand what love truly is.

Leaderonomics. For being the amazing company who willingly be my guinea-pig for the research without any  conditions. And some of them I've not met before, yet they are willing to do all they can to make sure my research goes on fine. Especially grateful to Mr. Eric Lau and Mr Timothy Kok, for replying the tons of emails I keep sending and patience as the process unfolds. Of course, to those I interviewed at Leaderonomics, who so willingly shared their stories. Not only the world learns from the knowledge you have provided through your stories, I personally learn something in every single conversation with each one of you.

My supervisor, Dr. Karoline Strauss, who is ever so patient and so helpful in the process as we bounce feedback. Not to mention the process of my dissertation had a few unintended hurdles and having to constantly change my mind did make things a bit more difficult. But she was always ready to answer my questions, giving suggestions and just being supportive, having faith in me. Super thankful for that.

Leanne, Bee and Sherry. My closest buddies in the class, though it was never that way when it started. Haha, but this proves relationships grow. These girls were there in the coldest whinge-worthy Sheffield weather which I have really yet to grow accustomed to, through the exams, the assignments, the certification course, and the fun. The fun, that was what really pulled me through, having people truly care for me when I really feel like banging my head against the wall in frustration, or just plain bored to death. I will always remember the good times we had.

My UK family. Ting & her family, Uncle Peter & Aunt Betty for being the family in close distance, always looking out for me and helping with my missing-Malaysia-symptoms (i.e. through food). Thank you for allowing me to be part of the family.

My best friend, Leslie and my ex-boss/mentor, Andrew; thank you so so so much for helping me with one of the hardest decision I had to make. For helping me weigh pros and cons of the decision, and still trusting I will make the best decision. It did turn out to be the best decision after all ;)

My best friend in Aussie, Stef Chew Muffin who had to deal with my nonsense whingeing for a good half of the year, where I had the most ridiculous and emo rants. If it wasn't for you my dear, I would probably be as good as a walking zombie, thank you for letting me speak my heart.

My ladies back home; Shyuan, Lynnette, Xian; for the conversations we had in my brief visit home. For letting me know I'm alright, and that I can do it. For reminding me that I am awesome in my way, and making sure I realise that.

The gang back home, who never fail to make me laugh when I wake up to 70 odd messages on FB because someone said something silly. Thank you for making my mornings.

And God. Thank you God. I don't think I'm the most spiritual person yet, but I did tell myself that one of my journeys in life will be to seek a spirituality I can be comfortable with. It is amazing how God speaks into your life when you least expect too, especially when you whinge so much, haha. But thank you God, for answering my prayers, thank you.

-----------------------------

Not sure if I forgotten anyone, mucus is stuffing up my brain now. To the rest of the world, thank you for being the world, otherwise I won't have a world to graduate in, BWAHAHAHAHA.

"Hey, a blessing gone is not a blessing lost, but a blessing flowed"

I don't like waiting, patience is not one of my best virtues yet. Which explains why I tend to get impatient queuing up (had a dream last night and a couple of people jumped my queue, boy did I go raging mad, haha), or when it comes to things like waiting for trains. Especially when trains get delayed. And I can tell you that that is pretty common in the UK. Haha.

But there's this one time, when I was heading for Guildford, and I spontaneously decided to go on the train earlier than plan. I literally had 2 minutes from the turnstiles down to the station. And I got on the train just in time - because it was delayed for 2 minutes. Felt totally blessed. Then I thought about it. My 2-minutes-of-blessing may have costed someone at the stations before to be late for their appointment, or for someone at stations further down the line to miss another connecting train. While today is my lucky day, for someone else, it might not be the case. This humbly reminded me of the interconnectedness between humans, we are all but one dot in a large, large, large universe.

You know how we are always thought since young by parents about African children who are dying of starvation, to encourage us to not waste our food and finish our bowl of rice? While I think this downward comparison is one form of encouragement, I also think that it's not necessary the best way to frame it. There's the notion of superiority which I feel uncomfortable with. Plus, it generates guilt unnecessarily where people feel uncomfortable having rice to eat because why do they deserve to eat when someone else is starving? In general, I don't think comparison is a good way to get people to appreciate what they have. My mum always say "比上不足，比下有余" (bi shang bu zu, bi xia you yu) which is a Chinese idiom that means there's always someone better, and there's always someone worse than you; in the end, why compare? In the end, we are always better than someone in one facet, someone is better than us in one facet and another person is better than us in another facet; but all these differences make us essentially the same. Which is why in psychological experiments we seek heterogeneity (variety) because when you have so much differences, everyone is the same difference. Everyone is interconnected.

So while we don't necessary compare, it helps to think of ourselves within the context of a bigger world, that an action we do, or a blessing given upon us could affect someone something somewhere else. While we don't have to think of ourselves better than another person in order to appreciate what we have, we can acknowledge that we are given different blessings and by valuing that, you honour what others lose. And with the given blessings, do what we can to make a change and help others. Just cause you are better off financially than another person, does not require you to live like a pauper but it does advocate living by your means and to use the financial blessings to help others in ways that benefit them (not throwing money at people to shut them up thank you). We all make do with what we have to help another person, because interconnectedness means that this kindness has a ripple effect.

Personally, remembering the interconnectedness gives me peace at heart, and makes me feel human. It does not mean that I am not sad when I don't get something or lose something. But knowing that this loss/not-getting could be influencing someone else's life somewhere makes me feel like "Hey, a blessing gone is not a blessing lost, but a blessing flowed"

P.S.: This post was inspired by a conversation with my brother who visited the leprosarium and his story about how those living there had a quiet sense of acceptance. And that his visit did not make him feel better or worse, but it did humble him thinking about the different lives humans live.

P.P.S: I found a video by a friend who recorded the life at the leprosarium when he was visiting (yeap, same visit as my brother), haha.

It's supposed to be like that la.

We critic too much and compliment too little. Agree?

Okay if you don't agree, that's a proposition I'm putting forth, haha. Recently I've been hearing and witnessing a lot of harmless criticism such as in terms of teasing, stereotyping, labeling etc. The thing is, I don't think people utter all those with any malicious intentions, I just think that while we do so much of that, we sorta kinda forget to counteract it with compliments, or rather, honest niceties.

And this is more common with people you are closer with. No one calls a stranger "donkey" or "fatty bom bom", you can try, let me know what happens, haha.
While I think it's fun to tease around, and I actually think it's necessary as a way of people breaking boundaries within them, what saddens me is when it gets thrown around so much, people who hear them start internalizing them. Doesn't help that humans brain are wired for negativity (no thanks to our survival instincts), so we tend to remember the only negative comment out of 10 positive comments. So imagine if the ratio of negative/less positive utterances are way more than honest niceties, doesn't it become more difficult to internalize the niceties when it really happens? One reason why we all end up being cynical when we hear niceties; "Eh, you want something ah?"

We are all encouraged to accept positive comments given to us rather than deny it and go "No la, you also mar"/"Where got"/"Omg, not true!". But how do we accept it when our daily conversations revolve around reinforcing negativity, even in the name of fun. I've known people who when I try to honestly tell them something good about them and within evidence (i.e. a particular action they did), all I get is full on denial because they are stupid anyway. And why are they stupid? Because "everyone" thinks so, and this "everyone" is almost always people who are close such as their other half, parents, siblings, friends etc. It makes me sad, so I can't imagine how the person who gets it actually feels.

I'm not advocating niceties all the time. Like how kids' self-esteem are bolstered so much that they think they are so privileged because every time they fail, someone tells them "No, no, not your fault darling, the nut should have known how to crack its own shell, your poor poor fingers". =_= Na-uh, not what I meant at all. I'm talking about how we call people silly, dumb, bimbo, etc etc they forget that they are awesome. And we honestly need not wait till deathbeds or epitaphs or speeches at a funeral to remember how great someone is. Why can't we tell them that today? If they are wearing a nice dress, tell them, or if they smell good, tell them, if you are amazed at how they handle a conflict, tell them, if you know they did a kind did, TELL.THEM. Not because you are trying to be nice, but because I think we humans need a lot more obvious TLC in an era where negativity is they way it's "supposed to be". And with people we are close too, we need to level-up in this arena.

Which brings me to the topic of labeling. I categorise a lot, much like most people. Humans evolve with categorisation abilities and tendencies because it helps us process information faster in an overly informed world. But too much of good things really can be bad, I kid you not. A particular labeling category that irks me is one concerning gender. And I will admit that I fall prey to it as well, and I intend to learn to be beyond that. Girls are supposed to be whiny, guys are supposed to be stoic. How many of us daresay we have not poke fun at this stereotype? While fun is good, it also indirectly internalizes it - the scenario of a whingeing indecisive girlfriend, and an impatient-couldn't-care-less boyfriend, because that is the way it is suppose to be. No, it's not. It's the social context we've been brought up in, and while it has tremendous powers, it is built upon us - we can be the change.

Generative labeling. That's how I like to think about labeling, that it's a necessary evil, because we do need to categorise, but we also don't need to let it stop there. What if the labeling helps manage things better? This I think would be essential in areas such as mental disorders where labeling helps us identify what is possibly right, or wrong, but it is to help us work beyond that, and not just slap on a label like it's a death sentence. Or just like in the gender situation, yes a girl may be more whiny, or a guy may be more stoic, but beyond that, the labeling should create positive conversations on how to move away from a one-dimensional labels. "Yea, I'm whining a bit too much when it comes to weather, I'll remember that next time" While we are not on a journey to create perfect, mistake-less humans, I think we can work at a journey towards more authentic people. Yes, we whine sometimes, yes, you label me as a whiner, but yes, you also understand that  I am more than a whiner, and I know you understand that.

Nothing is supposed-to-be. At least I find it very hard to keep to something because it's "like that la". And while it explains my tendency to wreck some of my cooking recipes, it would be nice if people conform yet understand what it means to them personally. Don't la go all deviantly against every single aspect of the society; actually, that's fine, go ahead, but be a rebel with a cause, and hopefully, this cause is humanity.

Or maybe I'm just a (overly) sensitive soul ;)

"One Hundred Names" - Cecelia Ahern

'I expected the world to end when she died.' He took a bottle from Kitty, opened it swiftly with a bottle opener that had been on the side table next to the Irish Times crossword, a biro and his reading glasses. 'But it didn't. Everything kept going, everything is still going. Sometimes I go for walks and I find that I have stopped moving, and everything else is still shifting and evolving all around me. And I wonder, don't they know? Don't they know about the terrible thing that has happened?'

That is an excerpt from one of my favourite paragraphs in the book. It was the outpouring of grief described by a man who lost his wife, though the wife is not actually the main character of the book, the wife's mentee was. I'm sure Google will be able to tell you a good synopsis of the book so I shan't get into details on that. How would I describe this book? I finished reading it in two days, and it made me want to flip its pages. I've always been a huge, huge fan of Cecelia Ahern, having read all her novels and I think this is her most mature yet. It's hard to describe how this story unfold, because by describing that, I feel that I might as well tell the story - it really is a book that you have to read because any deeper discussion of its synopsis becomes spoilers.

I am amazed at the level of detail that went into this book especially to ensure the complex themes are interrelated. That said and done, I find that there were too many themes being focused on at the same time and while they were intriguingly unfolding at the start, suddenly they unravel too fast at the end. I'm not a fan of such story flow. Nevertheless, how the author manages to capture one main theme as she branches to other themes yet still keeping a logical connection within them is an effort to be applauded. Moreover, some of the themes were approached creatively, so the stories of the sub-themes were fascinating on their own.

I would count this as an easy read, while less reflective (personally) than her previous novels, I still like how Cecelia Ahern's stories always capture the best of humans' emotions - both the good and bad. The intricacy of emotions are described very well, yet not too lengthy to be discounted as too detailed. It's not a fairytale, but definitely would be considered more chick lit. Though, I do think it deserves to be a class above most chick lits (i.e. Shopaholic series, which I will honestly tell you that I'm not a fan of) because the realistic human emotions brought in.

Again, I think this is my shortest review yet, but I feel that this book is best enjoyed when you really pick it up and read it. For those in UK, it's GBP5.45 for the hardcover in Amazon UK, total steal IMO ;)

(Image source: http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1347868169l/15732712.jpg)

"To seek truth is not necessarily to go on a mission all guns blazing in order to reveal a lie, neither is it to be particularly ground-breaking - it simply is to get to the heart of what is real"