Macarons and Traffic Lights

"Tell me a story of happiness"

"It was one of those tiring-life-zoned-out days. Despite date night, shopping and a green tea latte, meh was probably the word to describe how I felt. He was really concerned. More than that, he felt bad for dragging me along. I don't think it helped that in the midst of buying him a macaron, I actually got it for free. That itself gave me a sparkle in my eyes, something he didn't see the entire night. The free macaron is flattering really, and that gave some moment of euphoria"

"Oh, so happiness is that euphoric feeling?"

"Yes. 

And no. That fades, and fades very quickly. When it fades into the background, what remains is a tiredness of a high. That's a happy feeling. But joy? Joy is when after that euphorically tiring episode, you sit in the car, see the face of the person you love illuminated by the traffic lights, leaning into his shoulder and feeling like there's no where else in the world you can feel this sort of safety, and love. That is something no free macaron can ever leave and sustain"

"Does he know?"

"I hope he realises, and he knows that while he may not be happiness every day, he is joy, and that remains long after happiness fleets."

From Mountain to Sea, Plus a Little Sky

Will you climb KK again?


Probably not tomorrow, and maybe not in the nearest future. But yea, it sounds like a fun challenge to re-do, especially if we had to go through the 2.30am hike to the summit. I know it may sound a bit weird, but it really hasn't sank in that I've climbed a mountain of that height, it still does not register in my brains.

How hard is it to climb KK?

Challenging? Yes. Mentally Challenging? Yeap. Do-able? YES.
Seriously, despite thinking I'll never be able to complete it when I was an hour away from the peak, I know in my heart it's very do-able. But the mental challenge was significantly more difficult than I imagined it to be. Couple it with menses, lack of sleep, lack of oxygen, it's the perfect combo to not want to finish it. But looking back, if anyone were to ask me whether it's possible for anyone to climb KK, and confirmation bias aside, I am very sure it's possible. What really matters to me was two things; motivation and preparation.
For me, my motivation was definitely from my boyfriend, and friends. It was at the point where I was ready to throw in my towel, and I could not convince myself to go over the wall. For my other friends, it was the need to reach the peak personally, the goal was their strongest pull. We all have different sources of motivation. If you intend to climb KK, try to remember what is your motivation, whether it's from within or externally supplied.

As for preparation, please see my two cents as below:

Prepare yourself beforehand.
This is especially crucial for your physical fitness. Unless you have asthma or physical disabilities, I reckon you can still climb KK, just at a much longer time and with increasing difficulties. I started training with my boyfriend climbing steps (around 5 rounds average with 3kg backpacks) 1 and 1/2 months prior to the hike. I do yoga once or twice a week, and generally I'm healthy despite being weak occasionally. Even so, I was very thankful for the exercises because it taught me to be aware of my body under duress circumstances. I know when I can push myself, and when I need a break. In increasing altitudes, this is key to ensure you can pace yourself to reach the top. Otherwise you might be panting and thinking you are actually going to die when it's just your body trying to obtain more oxygen.
For mental preparation, I reckon it comes as you practice and exercise but most importantly for me was 4 words; I can, I want. That carried me from the foothill to the top along with motivation from buddies.

Don't overprepare.
This is with regards to your backpack and luggage. Pack lighter clothes to the top and no, you don't need 6 bars of chocolates, 10 bananas and 5 packets of peanuts. Chill. Bring along lighter but high calorie foods just enough for the range of your hike (i.e. Foothill to Laban Rata). Especially important if you tend to tire first, or not as physically prepared. I ended up having to use services of my personal porter aka boyfriend 3/4 way up to Laban Rata and an hour away from the Summit because I was just too tired.

 Pack light!

 You have no idea how many layers we had to take off 5 minutes into the journey, too warm.

Bring essentials.
In no order of priority, these were the essentials that saved my life and allowed me to hike

1) Good shoes - I bought an Adidas trail running shoes. Totally saved my life especially on descending trails because it stopped my feet from moving too much and putting pressure on the soles and ankles. Plus it had a good grip which helped me descend the slippery rocks and dried pretty fast when it gets slightly soaked in streams

2) Walking stick - This was my extra energy going uphill and extra support leg going downhill. Super helpful to take the pressure of my whole body and it was useful as a guide on where to put my next step. Thank God for walking sticks!

3) Good backpack - I bought a Deuter AC Lite which while it was expensive but so worth it because its design took strain off my back. Despite being tired and having to let it go to my porter, at a 5kg weight I felt it was moulded into my back most of the time and didn't feel like extra baggage. There were just enough pockets and it fit a hydration bladder which was more convenient that water bottles

4) Headlamp - Otherwise we would have been stuck in the jungle for good. Yea, we may not need it unless it's dark, but without it, you cannot possible navigate the dark, feels so much safer too

5) Magnesium spray + 100 plus drink - Used the magnesium spray on my calves the night before the summit hike and it probably saved my life. This replenishes lost minerals in one's body which might take a while to replenish through food nutrients. 100 plus was useful as we were hiking as the little pick me up of energy.

I reckon there are different essentials for different people, but these were the supporting materials that really made my hike possible.

P.S: If you are shit scared of the cold like me, bring thin layers and one good thick but light jacket. Heavy stuff makes the hike stressful.

I'll end my experience from the mountain to sea with a little break in the sky post with some lessons I gained from this entire journey.

My break in the sky, photo credits to Kenny Foo Photography

Patience.
Not my forte, yet so relevant in life. The numerous times I had to tell myself to calm down and pace myself in order to get to the end, to not get ahead of myself before the right time, to push myself at the right moments. More importantly, how I deal with people under stress and I can tell you patience is not my first reaction. Sometimes I think I really am the least nice person when I'm under stress. But I've began to learnt its importance in patiently navigating relationships in difficult times. Really grateful for a boyfriend who sees this through with me as we both learn to understand each other when things get challenging.

Humility & Trust
Nature is amazing. How these trees root themselves over centuries, how the rocks and boulders come to form natural stairs, how nature lovers build in wooden steps and hung ropes so people like us could admire this beautiful mountain reminded me how I'm just a small speck in life. That I can do a lot of things, but I can also do a lot more things with and for the people around me. With that, comes a strong dose of trust lesson, especially towards others. In his words "You never listen unless you perceive the person to know better than you". Huge wake up call there that I cannot deny. It really is a challenge to learn that, heck, I'm still thinking how am I going to learn that, haha.

Being Present & Grateful
Whether it's down the steps into the valleys, or when the cold wind blows hard or at the summit of the final peak, the experience only realises when you are present. When you feel the wind sharply on your face, as you listen to your breath racing, as you see as far as your visual brings you. I didn't think I manage that well on the summit because I was just too tired, in a way I wished I had been more present. Yet, the knowledge of that was helpful on my way down when every step in the dark forest made me realise how strange the feeling of being in the forest, an unfamiliar territory can be. And following that, how grateful I am with every step we make where no one slips or trips, and getting closer to that final gate.

It's a very uncomfortable season for me recently, as I type this. But as I finish typing this, I am reminded of my four words; I can, I want.

 Friends always help, always.

Add in a (stern) boyfriend for good measure.

She Was in Kota Kinabalu (Pt.2)

One does not realise the joy of having hot showers and sleeping with comforters until one does not have it.

That is one of many life lessons I got from my hike up the mountain.

Base: Marina Court Condominium
Location:4/5
Environment:3/5
Room:3.5/5
In comparison with Gunting Lagadan, this probably will get a 6 out of 5, haha. A very nice place to stay especially with your friends. The whole bunch of us got a 3 room apartment to ourselves so it's like a nice homey stay for the next two days. Amenities were very complete, we even had a washing machine haha. One downside was that the electricity tends to trip at certain time in the night, but when we asked the landlord, apparently that's the case with electricity in KK *shrugs*. I love the area we were staying in. It's not near a beach per se, but super convenient to go around on foot to convenience store, supermarket, FOOD places. I would say this is a pretty decent place to stay especially if you got a group of people

Day 4
Gaya Street
Mamutik Island
Sapi Island
Helen Beauty House, KK Centerpoint
Filipino Market

Started our morning with breakfast at Gaya Street in a restaurant famous for it's laksa, Yee Fung Restaurant. We ordered a few different dishes to share among each other, the Sarawak-ish Laksa, Koay Chap, Tuaran Mee and Claypot Chicken Rice. Dishes were good overall but my personal favourite is the Koay Chap, beef yumyum. Headed to the Marina Harbour to take our speedboat to the first island, Mamutik Island. From mountain to sea, and with a break in the sky - I did parasailing which was super fun! Some of my friends went on to do Flying Fish, and it was hillarious watching them in that Flying Fish contraption dragged by a speedboat. Had a 'meh' buffet lunch on the island before proceeding to the next island.

At the next island, Sapi Island, some of us went snorkelling while me and the bf lazed on the beach reading our books. Really quite relaxing save for the huge amount of tourists in the area. To be honest, the beach experience could be better as I find it too commercialized and there were people EVERYWHERE. That said and done, the beach itself was definitely pretty compared to those on the West Coast of peninsula Malaysia.

 Alohaaaa!

After a beachy day, we headed back to mainland for a rest before going out for a massage. We chose a decent one at KK Centerpoint which was a 5 minutes walk from where we stay. The foot massage I got was about RM32 while my friends went for the 1 1/2 hour body-foot massage for RM75 and they loved it. The place was also rather comfortable so I reckon it's pretty worth the money especially after the whole mountain to sea plus a bit of sky experience.

Then it was dinner! Had a late seafood dinner around 9pm at Asia City, Welcome Seafood. 6 dishes of good food (fish, prawns, shell, chicken, vege, tofu) for only RM176, shit cheap! And it tasted so good. Definitely heading back there. Note though, if you want to have crabs, it's best to go early as their seafood sells out pretty quick. After dinner, we decided to walk off the food, but the boys went berserk for food at the Filipino night market buying grilled chicken wings, grilled squid and fish. If you don't feel like having a sit down seafood dinner, consider the market as they have fresh seafood that they can grill on the spot for you as well.

Happy food-filled, fun-filled faces

Day 5
Pasar Besar KK

We didn't explore KK town much due to time limit, and I guess most look-worthy sights will require a drive away from town. The last day was our shop-for-souvenirs day where we started with the wet market for nibbles and continued down the street for pretty handmade souvenirs. Haggling is possible!

Left KK town for the airport around 12. Stopped for fish fillet noodles at this place called Restaurant Kuo Man who had the weirdest auntie waitress - so rude yet so hillarious. Luckily noodles are yummy, haha. Got on the flight, and said our goodbyes to lovely KK.

Do Try:
- Parasailing; it's not as scary as I thought, and it's one of the lovelier rides as you scour across the ocean and get dipped into the water occasionally, haha

- Massage; find a decent place and it's a good way to wind down from an adventurous start of your journey

- Seafood; it's not dirt cheap but in relative to seafood in Peninsula, it's probably very affordable. Try the "Dong Fong" shells, which seems to be native to Sabah

- Food in general; whether it's Koay Chap, Tuaran Mee or Fish Fillet noodles, it's just nice to be able to go around and have some food native to the state

Tips:
- Be careful when crossing KK roads, it's hillarious but we found that the only way to cross is to ram through it especially when there's no traffic lights/zebra crossing. That said and done, please consider safety, I had an adrenaline rush every time we run across these roads, ugh.

- Haggle when it comes to souvenirs, you really get better prices

- The famous coffee is apparently the Tenom coffee available at most places and packaged in either a gold, silver or metallic blue packing.

She Was in Kota Kinabalu (Pt.1)

Finally went on a holiday again, this time in my home country Malaysia. For the first time in 24 years of my life, I visited the East Malaysia, so fun! Main reason for the visit is to climb the highest peak in Southeast Asia, Mount Kinabalu. Never thought I would be able to do it, but more on that later.

There will be two parts to this holiday post; first the mountain, then the sea. Note that I went with an organised tour by an acquaintance, so while it's not exactly like most formal tours, there was an agenda set beforehand. Also, will give my 2 cents about climbing Mount Kinabalu and the experience itself in a separate post.

I'm blessed to be able to go on this adventure with my close friends and boyfriend. Pretty fun as it has been long since we are able to go on a holiday together seeing that we've been living in different parts of the world for the past few years. The company definitely made it extra fun, hehe.

Transportation:
As this is a tour, we usually move around with a chartered bus/van. For most other places we visited, we were moving on Bus No 11 - our feet, haha. Of course, this was the only mode of transportation for the mountain part of our journey.

Day 1
KK Town
Pekan Nabalu
Kinabalu Park
Mersilau Resort

Base:  Mersilau Resort
Location: 3/5
Environment: 4/5
Room: 3.5/5
Definitely one of the better accomodations around the area. We stayed in a decent bunk bed hostel. There was a living room in the "longhouse" that had 2 bedrooms of 4 and 2 bedrooms of 8. Adequate bathrooms with proper shower. F&B was quite good with decent spread of dinner & breakfast. It's also quite nice to walk around and enjoy the scenery - take some photos!

 Our 6-person hostel room in Mersilau

We touched down in KK around late morning, had a quick lunch in KK town and some last minute shopping. It's essential to note what you have/don't have for the hike as from this point onwards, it will be hard to buy the necessities especially hiking gear. We got some fruits, snacks and water to bring on our hike. Also tried the famous Yoyo pearl milk tea, KK's own chain of bubble tea. Didn't really fancy it cause it was too milky but the mini pearls were yummy. Next, we started our 3 hour drive to Mersilau Resort where we will be spending the night before our hike.

Stopped at Pekan Nabalu to capture some photos of Mount KK. Really pretty scenery especially on a sunny day. If you missed the KK town stop to buy your hiking need especially food/drinks, you still can get some fruits here. Bananas are a popular choice. Continued the journey to Kinabalu Park which is the starting point for one of two trails onto Mount Kinabalu - the Timpohon trail. As that's the trail for us to come down from the mountain, we needed to transfer by van up windy roads to Mersilau, which is the other trail, and the trail we have chosen to hike up. Stayed for the night, and was super nervous for our hike the next day.

Pretty sight on the way to Mersilau, reminds me of the little cottages on the Salzburg hills

 The view of Mount Kinabalu from Pekan Nabalu

Day 2
Hike from Mersilau Resort to Laban Rata

Base: Gunting Lagadan Rest House, Laban Rata
Location: N/A
Environment: N/A
Room: 2/5
Right, so it's a bit hard to give ratings for this base simply because it's kinda the only place to stay on the mountain so there's no relative comparison. And it does not make sense to compare to anywhere else on flat ground, haha. It's not the most comfortable place to stay, but given that we're on a cold mountain, this is really the best one can get. It is COLD. No hot water, no heater in the place. I would say the temperature at this part of the mountain is between 5 -8 degrees celcius, but since I'm shit afraid of the cold, it's extra cold to me especially when the wind blows. All in all, you will be thankful to even have a roof over your head in this situation.

The sight of Laban Rata greets you! It's that yellow roof building on your left

Woke up early to prepare ourselves. Left our main luggage with the resort who would transfer it to Kinabalu Park. Prepped our porter bags and our own backpacks. At 8.45am, we started our ascend towards Laban Rata. As we were briefed before, we need to consider our own pace especially at the beginning of the journey since it was quite significantly steep uphill and downhill. I like that terrain though because it provided variety, otherwise I would be shit tired/bored. Started the journey pretty slow because I was worried about the altitude sickness. Get a good pace, and it's really easier. The terrain was mostly a mix of rough steps moulded out of red soil, some parts had proper wooden steps installed, other times we were treading rocks and small streams. The scenery was quite amazing especially at the elevation where the bonsai trees started growing.

 So semangat before first leg of climb

Hikers unite

 Closer to the summit! Not really.

 Hikers still energetic.

Pretty waterfall dotting the trail.

We reached Laban Rata around 4.45pm, so that was a good 8 hours of hiking with rests at some of the huts. SO TIRING! And we had to hike another 10 - 15 minutes up to our base for the night, Gunting Lagadan. Slept early that night since our hike is expected to begin at 2.30am.

So out of breath at this point of time.

View from Laban Rata

Day 3
Hike from Laban Rata to Mount Kinabalu Summit
Hike from Summit down to Kinabalu Park via Timpohon Trail

Our hike was suppose to begin at 2.30am but it started pouring at 2am. SUPER BUMMER. We thought that was it, and we can't hike up the summit because it's usually prohibited to climb after the rain. Plus, we met some hikers along the way who told us that they didn't manage to complete their hike as well. But lo and behold, by some amazing blessing we were allowed to climb in the morning. So we got some extra sleep, and some light as well, haha.

Started our climb at 7.30am and it was challenging because I was feeling so cold, and the terrain was not the most forgiving. Come to think of it, it probably is one of the prettiest trail because we were scaling rocks while water streams form due to the downpour - like climbing a waterfall. Scenery was also gorgeous because of the habitation at that height; pretty flowers and bonsai-ish trees adorned the trail.

 This is just barely making it.

You have happy hikers and struggling ones holding onto ropes for dear life.

We reached the Rope station which was probably the hardest part because we had to depend on ropes to hike up, and it's a long long way down. Massively challenging for me because I am afraid of heights thus I wanted to do it quick but the altitude sickness and lack of oxygen really got to my pacing. Really, the ascend up the summit was so mentally challenging I was ready to give up if not for the boyfriend and my friends. At 11.30am, after God's grace and so much motivation, we actually reached the coveted peak of Mount Kinabalu. As I type this, I'm still in disbelief, especially since we could not spend much time there since we have to hurry down the mountain. Took some photos, reveled in the awesome scenery, and made our way down.

We reached Laban Rata at 2.30pm, had a quick lunch and prepared for our descend down via Timpohon trail at 3.45pm. Again, this was a challenge because the trail is downhill all the way, and made it so difficult for our knees and soles which were tired from the climb. I don't know how, but we made it out of the forest by 7.45pm. We had an hour of darkness in the forest, so thank God for headlamps.

I never knew how sweet victory felt like until we reached the doors of Kinabalu Park Resort, all stinky, muddy, tired and ever so satisfied.

That night, we headed back to KK town with an experience I less than vivid in memory, but definitely unforgettable.

This is generally the reaction everytime we manage 500m whether uphill or downhill, haha.

Zak

He's 5, turning 6 years old in November this year.

He taught me how to lose, and that competition is really the least of our worries most of the time. Try role playing a game of Star Wars with the kid, and you can be sure that you almost always end up the bad guy.
But that that does not matter, what matters is having fun during the game.

On that note, he taught me that there will be 2nd chances. Because all the bad guy has to do is pout after 'dying' 5 times, and the good guy will say "No no, now you have this shield, prringgg, you live again"

Because winning has always been important to me, and that if the chances of winning are less than losing, I rather not try to win. So, he taught me how to take risks - especially ones that involve being silly.
More importantly, he taught me the spirit of sportsmanship.

Curiousity, oh yes, he definitely taught me that. With the tons of mind-boggling questions, explanations of imaginations (which should never be explained anyway), he portrayed the importance of questioning.
And in that line, the importance of ever-learning, and even more important; patience. Have you ever tried having a conversation with a five year old? It's massively hillarious, interesting and frustrating all rolled into one.
Yet it's so important never to let that curiousity die. To know, and be reminded of the importance of curiousity, and the role I play in the continuous ignition of life's curiousity, that's key.

Can you believe he also taught me humility? To realise that you can learn the mantra "Don't worry, be happy" from a 5 year old? I remembered feeling absolutely down over a mistake I made, and this boy, this human who has only lived for 5 years had it in him to remind me something so basic and simple.

And then do be disciplined and committed in being a good role model when I want to teach good behaviour?
The numerous times I've been called out for not keeping to my behaviour/actions as promised definitely brings this 24 year old girl to shame.

Lastly, and perhaps the most most importantly, he taught me to be present. Do you remember the last time you looked at someone in the eyes, and really looked and see them there?
For the longest time, I believed myself to be present, to see people as they are. But no. Until that one day where he came in to the kitchen while I was doing some writing; I turned and looked at those earnest eyes, I had never been present before.
It's a really warm and real feeling when you are truly present with someone.

There's no lie when they say wisdom comes with age and experience, there's also truth when they say you can learn from anyone and everyone

P.S: It's been a long while since I've written, now that the other priorities in my life are more or less in place, I realised how much I missed writing. So here's attempting to get back to it. And what better way to do it then with a note of gratitude. Hey ya'all!

The Sun and The Moon

Some mornings (months) ago, I woke up to the most beautiful sky I've seen yet.

It had hues of pink, one of my favourite colours for skies. Against a bright happy blue backdrop. On that were streaks of orange fluffy jet smokes.

And then there were the colours smudged between those colours which I can't find the word to describe, except 'beautiful'

It reminded me of one of my favourite songs 'Sun and Moon' by Mae. Because it was in winter, the sun was just rising yet the crescent moon was so obviously still in the sky.
And it reminded me that some moments, we can possibly feel we have it all, the sun and the moon, even if for those split seconds where the breathtaking beauty freezes in time, and then passes.

It also reminded me of the beauty of understanding that the world is bigger than yourself. That morning, I did a little errand run, and walking on the paths, the sky seems less magnificent than my 2nd floor window view. I decided that it was because of the different view points I have. When it's on the ground, when it is me as a self focus looking out to the big world, it does seem to lack a bit. But when you rise above all, and not through power but by the understanding of humanity's interconnectedness and there is always something bigger than you, the humility that accompanies a second floor window view leaves one in awe.

I miss the UK skies, these photos serve as a reminder of what good times I had and the skies that have lifted my mood during those down days.

P.S.: These are same skies, just with different filters, and just like our different perspectives, we see different colours. 

Changing Rhythms

We all love the idea of change, even more so if our ideation of change creates an impression that the consequences of change will be as we believe it to happen.
But change is very real, both the joy and its pain. Sometimes the latter is real enough for us to realise that we are really not that all prepared to go through it.
In the light of the recent Parliament dissolution and Malaysia's journey to a better future (I must admit I've not read the manifestos of both main parties), the change is real, very real.

Even more so for the community - the people fringing the fighters and world changers.
I was on the LRT yesterday and I passed by the area of Bangsar South, a rapidly developing area. From my vantage point, the most obvious view were the massive towering cranes in various directions.
It was a gorgeous sight because it shows me the development of my country, that it is moving somewhere, albeit most of us not really knowing where this "somewhere" is.
I wasn't sure what kind of development it was, but a thought crossed my mind "Someone is waiting for their house to be built. Someone might be in anticipation after all these years to finally own a place they can call home, bought with money they made with blood and sweat. Someone might be waiting to start their business, eager to serve the market in which their product will actually benefit."
And when the political scene starts rock and rolling, these development might come to a halt, someone's dream might come to a pause.

I'm not saying don't start rocking, please, we need this rock 'n roll. But we also need to realise it's not so much the journey during the rock and rolling, it's the journey of picking up the pieces of the rock and roll, of living with the deafening sensation to our ears once this loud music ends.
When things are rocky, those not in direct power have minimal control over what is imposed upon them. When fights happen in the building where decisions are made, the wait time for a system that works for the people may take a while to happen.
Healthcare, social welfare. There are people waiting for policies to come true, and their wait is not easy.
And the funny thing is, people who have everything would not like the change, while people who have less than everything hope for the better. We call the former selfish. And perhaps they are.
But think about it. If you have spent 20 years of your life building a business which means so much to you, how willing are you to risk losing that entirely, and with that loss, the loss of a lot of your life built upon this dream.
Can you remember the last time you really worked for something? And then someone tells you that for the better good, you need to lose it? And you actually felt resistant? Yes, your resistance is selfish, and yes, your resistance is very human.
When we judge people about their not wanting to change, we forget to try and empathise how they are perceiving the change. That their fears of a worse outcome is as valid as our hopes for a better outcome.
Lest we start wondering why they are not changing, or chiding them for being selfish, understand that beneath the selfishness roots a strong fear of this kind of pain.
That we are only human, that we can fear, but we are also built to overcome the fear. I'm not validating their selfishness, I'm suggesting that we are all humans seeing from different vantage points. And if we see this selfishness and empathise, perhaps we can all play a better role in helping each other understand that this concert is not for personal benefits regardless of our current status quo, but for the ultimate benefit of this this community we call our society.

So, the pain of change is very real. A wise person once told me that we say we like learning, but we don't actually like learning.
Because learning comes with pain, a lot of pain.
It's easier to fall in love with the idea of change, it's harder to make the relationship work with change.
That does not mean we don't want change. That means that we are ready to make change work, however hard.
At this point, what matters is not actually who wins, but that we pray we have people who will step up to the challenge of moving the change towards the better.
People who will sit through the pain of failure, resistance, expectations broken, hopes tried because they have faith things will be better.
We're not just in for the music, we're in to create a new rhythm of life. And let's all remember our part in sitting through this pain, and always wanting to make things better.

Because it is always the darkest before the dawn.

Disclaimer: This is just a personal reflection and is not intended to propagate any political point of view, neither do I admit to have done the best set of research I can of this country's political scene. Nevertheless, I do welcome other perspectives and conversations. Cheerios!

Murky Waters

Sometimes I wonder if the producers/directors of horror movies associated with waters have ever considered its effects on normal humans like me who subconsciously internalise the horror associated with 'stuff' in the water.

Jaws...
The ugly-barracuda-eel-thingy in Baywatch...
Too-large-for-life crocodiles..
PIRANHAS..
And just unknown stuff in the water in the general.

I have a massive fear of swimming in the open sea despite my love for the beach, which in this case, stops at the shoreline, haha. But today, I had to swim in the murky waters of my swimming pool no thanks to the heavy downpour. Despite knowing it's the same swimming pool which I have loved swimming in, it actually increased my anxiety as I swam in it.

That's not the point of the post actually, well, not entirely at least, haha.

Waters always reminded me of our emotions, to me it has always given me a sense of calm to be in "safe" waters and allow me to connect with the thoughts and emotions swimming within me, pun intended.
And swimming in murky waters reminds me of the transition phase I am going through.

It's the same swimming pool, which to me resembles the metaphor of me being back in Malaysia, a home I've always known. But after certain circumstances that are part and parcel of life metaphorised by the heavy downpour, my home seems different from how I remembered, despite it being essentially my home. Yet, this has always been my safe haven, physically it is always changing and internally I felt a sense of change as well even when it's much less obvious.

Being in those murky waters remind me of my emotions now.
How it's clear, yet not clear. I could only see the distance in front of me, such as my feet.
How it's not dark, yet there is not enough light.
And sometimes it's the not-here-neither-there that scares us than the extremes. If I'm in the dark, at least I know what to be scared of, but in the dusky light of unclear waters, what exactly am I afraid of?

I've heard multiple stories about transition phases and never thought much about it.
Now being in the situation, I'm admittedly frustrated. At the same time, I guess it's my blessing to be given a situation in which I am learning to trust, both myself and others.

It's only in uncertainty that we are called upon our ability to trust what often cannot be seen.

And I think we often call this; faith.

And My Brother Said

Recently, I had to deal with a situation that is not the fun-est to deal with.

My brother, taught me two lessons.

1) Live your principles, but don't let them punish you
I value integrity. Anyone who tries to defend their integrity by standing by their principles, by having their actions congruent with their words would know the challenge in doing so. Usually it's the world against you, but nothing beats having you against yourself - when you find that you have conflicting principles, when you realise that your principles might need a change; but isn't that failing integrity?

And my brother said; "Why do you let your principles punish you?" He went on to explain that while it is important to stand by your principles rather than be too much of a 'lalang'. But, and here comes the big but, it should not impede you, should not be a prosecutor because circumstances change. With changing circumstances, comes the need to reappraise our principles, to check if we are truly living authentically by them. If we are, yes please go ahead. If we are not, do we hold on, or is it time to change? To him and the situation I was dealing with, my principles became a hindrance for me to move on, it created a sort of analysis paralysis by making me believe that I'm "stuck" with these thoughts. When one is stuck, one is focused on a tunnel of negativity, and it becomes difficult to see solutions other than those already available.

He reminded me that I am empowered by my life principles, but that does not mean they have power over me.

Which brings me to the next point;

2) Learn your lessons, don't let your lessons create you
We are all given lessons in life, much so after bad experiences. The thing about experiences though, is while they leave you with great learnings, they also create a pool of emotions associated with such experiences. And the pain of learning is a good teacher, yet it does not change its identity that it is ultimately a form of pain. Unfortunately, when similar circumstances arise, it is easy to associate with the learnings of our previous experiences AND the pain that comes with it. That pain, or other associated negative emotions can skew the learning to make us feel like we cannot risk making a mistake again. And my brother said; "Don't let these lessons create you before you create the learning"

Of course, it can be argued that if that were to happen, all these silent negative emotions may indicate that we have not properly moved on. However, like all life loops, these emotions probably arise because of this new circumstance and without this new circumstance, we would never have realised these silent emotions. Does that mean we've not moved on? I don't think so. I'll like to think that this is part of life's continuity. We don't learn one lesson, full-stop that's it. It continues to build into future experiences, to see how we can apply the lesson, and from there, transform the future experiences for future future experiences.

In other words, we always always have the chance to relearn and reframe. As long as we realise that we are the one learning the lessons, the lessons don't make us who we are anymore that how much we take heed of it. We are and beyond the lessons we learn, don't let lessons scare and paralyse us.

There were more than two, but these two hit the right spot. Thank you bro!

And, he's my younger brother, massive proudness can?

Bubblegum Pop

Break out of your comfort zone.

That's the advice we are being fed most, if not all the time. And I think it's probably one of my favourite reminders. Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you", for it is then that we experience the best in life.

But how do we do that? Travel? Volunteer? Do something that you usually wouldn't do? Is it even remotely possible for humans to break out of whatever comfort zone they are in, without having a massive life overhaul?

I'd like to think I have tried breaking out of this comfort zone. Yet, I somehow don't feel I've broken enough, just seemed like I chipped enough of this zone. and that does not feel enough.

My recent conversation with a friend made me realise that maybe it's not so much how far I break out, when I break out, or whether I even break out. It's more a question of whether I can accept "enough", in its finest sense right now, right where I'm intended to be.

And then I remember an article a friend once wrote long ago, it's one of my favourite articles ever, and she has happily agreed to share (Thanks Tya!)

http://20somethingenlightening.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/the-comfort-zone-breaking-the-myth/

And everytime I read it, I remember that I am where I'm suppose to be and that I'm stretching this place, bit by bit, everyday.

At least it won't be overstretched and pop like a bubblegum splat! ;)

Trust the Rope

I finally climbed Bukit Tabor. (!!!) It's been a mission I have intended to complete since I got to know about the place. Even more because I've been told I can't survive the climb seeing how careless I am. God willing, I survived without much casualty, sunburns don't really count la.

The best thing about being challenged in nature? You learn lessons. Today's climbing lessons?

1) Trust the Rope.

There was this point in the climb where it was a vertical climb down, and dear God, I am not good with steepness and on slippery rocks. My friend who was helping us down the climb kept reminding us to 'trust the rope'. It's not easy. You see that somewhat-strong looking rope, and then you compare with it your perception of whether it can support your weight, and then you see the drop, straight down. But if there's anything more difficult than moving forward past a challenge is also knowing that you can't get back. The in-between-ness of life that afflicts most of us often makes us feel paralysed.

Yet, we are always blessed with 'ropes' to guide us across our challenge. The thing is, this rope does not come with SIRIM quality safety stamp of security. And often, the rope is not ourselves. It's someone else, it's a feeling of faith or some resource we're not too sure we can rely on. Basically it's most likely some form of existence that is full of uncertainty, but a part of you knows that you have to know whether this is the one thing that will bring your across the crevice. Do it.

Sometimes we are 'ropes' to others; some more than others. And if you're blessed to have the ability to be one, embrace that calling, that opportunity. At the same time, to be 'ropes' to others, we need to first learn how it feels like to trust the rope ourselves. Otherwise, it's pretty difficult to understand the feeling of hanging by a rope in life, and when one does not understand, how does one do?

2) You don't know it till you are actually doing it

It's majorly helpful to have experienced people in life to help you navigate across obstacles. Then the time comes when you are left on your own to navigate an obstacle that only you can navigate. There will be pathways previously, however mild. There will even be instructions. But the fear-laced exhilaration when you are dealing with the obstacle head on is something you will never see if you are not in the arena, or even trying to learn from others. Yet, it is also this head-on honest confrontation that will teach you which footing should go where, these are situations where you learn to trust one of those you would always need to trust in life - yourself.

3) Values in convenience VS values in discomfort

It's easy to stay by our principles when it's to our convenience, when it's comforting and easy for us to carry it out. But the real challenge comes when it is difficult to practice what we preach. In the scorching sun, and painful feet positions because of a steep walk down - not easy to enjoy your surroundings. One of my values in life is to gratitude, to practice being grateful. And it is not easy when you are not in your best form. Yet, we're not in the best form half the time in our lives, and those time matters. Those time question your hold on these principles, on whether you really put your faith in them. I'm glad that I am reminded of this challenge, even if it means just taking two minutes to realise the surrounding I'm in, and to be grateful with it rather than just concentrating on finishing the trail.

I think this is why we're so encouraged to put ourselves in challenges that stretch our comfort zone. It activates our thinker mode. With heart, these thoughts become great lessons in life.

Different view, different perspectives.

Chasing the Aurora

2nd January 2013

I saw the Northern Lights, the Aurora Borealis. To many, myself included, this was a dream come true. The faint green glow across cloudy skies prove to challenge what my naked eye could see in the beauty of the photos and videos that have fed my expectations - a bit too much.

When everyone asked me how was the Aurora, or tell me how lucky I am to have seen it, I'm greeted with a feeling of gratitude laced with guilt. Because in all honesty, I have to confess, it didn't leave me in awe. Yet, I felt it was not right to tell those who ask how beautiful it was, to tell them my perception of it. A perception that was influenced by the weather, the place I was in, and most of all, my expectations. I didn't want to be adding another set of perceptions to people's expectations.

It got me thinking though, this view I had of the Aurora Borealis. It reminds me of life, and how we are always chasing our desires. But sometimes, our desires don't turn out to be what we expect them to be. When that happens, it's difficult to reconcile the conflicting feelings within. You should feel overjoyed, and yes there is a sense of gratitude, though it feels like a bit of a let down and you're guilty for feeling so. Don't get me wrong, chase your desires. But that's just it, are they YOUR desires? Is the Aurora gorgeous because you really believe the phenomenon is life's awe or is it because it's on everyone's bucket list, and the TV and videos and HD photos just make it more gorgeous than it actually is. Again, the Aurora is gorgeous, but not the WOAH! impression, it's a silent beauty, a quiet glow, that can only be appreciated with a contented heart. While I was not left as impressed as I imagined to be, I wasn't exactly disappointed as well. As a matter of fact, I was more eager than ever to work my way to find my way up to the Scandinavian countries where there is a better view of the Aurora, or so they say. And this time, I want to do it because I really believe I can see more of the Aurora - never-ending desires or motivation? We won't know now I guess.

So, what does your Aurora look like? Can you chase after it answering your conscience, and let go of all attachment related to the outcome, whatever the outcome may be? God willing, the outcome is as you expect, but God willing also, that you have the gratitude to accept whatever outcome comes up.

Gotta run! ;)

She was in Iceland

This time it was with family, and boy was it both fun and stressful, hahaha. Not to mention that it was during Winter, and we got the lottery of bad weather so it was icy + rainy altogether.

For my holiday in Iceland, I decided that it would be simpler to arrange a tour since I've looked up some of the stuff that might be interesting in Iceland, and the transportation part can be quite complicated. Since I was with my family, I wanted to reduce the complication as much as possible. That said and done, a couple of my friends who went to Iceland did not end up taking tour packages. Instead they decided on day trips when they got to the hotel. In that sense, they had more control over what hotel they stayed in and such. My package was with Icelandair thus it included flight and accommodation with breakfast.

Transportation:
As we got a tour package, I did not have to concern myself over the transportation means. Most places are easily walkable especially if you stay in the city centre. Buses were also available within city centre. However, in my personal opinion, it would be much more convenient to get a car. Parking seems aplenty

Base/Hotel: Fossbaron Hotel 
Location: 4/5
Environment: 3/5
Room: 3.5/5

The hotel was located two streets away from the city centre and faced the harbour which was quite a pretty sight even though it was cloudy and grey most of the time. One can easily explore the city centre from this hotel and even walk to the Old Harbour area which takes about a 20 minutes walk at average pace. It's 10 minutes away from the Orchestra Hall. That said and done, it was a dreary weather when we got to Iceland thus the environment wasn't as exciting especially when Reykjavik is quite the dull city with monotone buildings. The room itself was not bad as we got a spacious twin room. Bathroom was a bit troublesome as the shower area was small and as most Western countries have toilets with no draining holes, the bathroom was wet most of the time. Oh, and it was so difficult to control the temperature of the water as the source is from the natural hot springs so sometimes it's too hot or too cold. Nevertheless, hot baths are much welcomed in the weather. Another issue I had was free wifi only available in the lobby area; room wifi service is payable. That always annoys me, but hey, chance to be away from technology? Haha.

View from the Harbour walk

Day 1
Arrived in Evening
Dinner

I don't know how many times I've said this and I don't know how many times I don't learn my lesson. Arriving on New Year's day, and in the evening, is not the smartest idea. Public holiday would mean that most shops were closed which left us with Domino's for dinner. And one of the most expensive Domino's I had at that. The sun sets just before 4pm in winter so it was difficult to navigate around the area as we had to get used to the ice and still had no idea where we were in relation to the places of attraction. Thus the night was spent in the hotel. Not very exciting I know.

Day 2
Blue Lagoon Spa
Church (The Hallgimskirkja)
Northern Lights Chase

These two activities were part of the tour package. We had to pay extra 50 pounds per person on top of our tour package price for the Blue Lagoon Spa - it's like an add on. I think it's slightly cheaper if you were to sign up for the Blue Lagoon Spa once you get to your hotel; most hotels provide such service as this is a really popular attraction in Iceland. I would say the experience is lovely, especially when surrounded by white snowy mountains. One can easily spend half a day there. The changing amenities were clean and sufficient. It's easy to get back to the city as there is a bus every hour from 10am till 6pm. I didn't think the water was hot enough though - super torture to run from the exit into the outdoor pool at 2 degrees celcius; have to admit, it was fun though.

Blue Lagoon - a huge outdoor pool

The Hallgimskirkja, or church is a seriously gorgeous building. Very modern, and definitely not your typical church building. If I remembered correctly, it was only recently built, in 2005 as a complement to other churches around. Very simple interior with a huge brass organ. The best part was to climb up the tower, which journey could be completed by life, and then a climb up two flights of stairs. Easy peasy. Awesome view of Iceland as it turned dark, and I honestly think it as prettier at night with lights and snowy rooftops rather than the grey buildings in the morning.

Wonderful view

At night, around 9pm we followed the tour to find the Northern Lights. Given that the phenomenon is very weather and location-dependent, the hotel staff would usually be able to advice beforehand if the tour would go on for the day. Also, from my experience, I do think those who take you on the tour are quite responsible in trying to find the best spot for the aurora. Note though, it's probably also very dependent on personal luck if and when you see the phenomenon - how long, how bright etc. For us, it wasn't as mesmerizing as I expected it to be though my brother did catch some amazing photos using his DSLR. Nevertheless, the adventure of waiting in drastically cold winds, trying to capture the aurora with my camera and standing under fleeting clear bright starry skies was quite the worth as well.

Day 3
Golden Circle Tour
Old Harbour

This is the other tour we got as an add-on and it was an almost full day tour lasting about 9 hours? It included a visit to an Icelandic greenhouse, Gullfoss waterfall, Geysir and Thingvellir National Park. The greenhouse was interesting, and in my opinion helpful with sleepiness since the lights are meant to recreate a sunny weather complete with UV lights all. Seriously, the weather in general made me sleepy all the time. Anyway, it's interesting to learn about how vegetables are grown in Iceland, and they honestly live up to their name of 'greenhouses' what's with using biological pest control (bees from Holland) and systems that ensure the use of electricity is not wasted. Pretty cool. Oh and the greenhouse I went to had the loveliest tomato soup served with cinnamon bread, salivating for it now. The journey continues to the Gullfoss waterfall, otherwise known as the Golden Waterfall. Gorgeous sight even in the dreary weather. Apparently when it's sunny, you can see a rainbow across the waterfall.

Rows and rows of tomatoes

Gullfoss waterfall

Then it was onwards to the Geysirs where we stopped for lunch. Basically you go for a multimedia show about geysirs in Iceland which in my humble opinion was less than informative because most of environment that does not help with consolidating the speech from the different TV screens. There are information boards though but we got a bit bored. They Geysirs were an amazing sight, to stand there and wait for it to burst at intervals of 4 minutes was seriously cool! My mum even took a video of it. Finally, our last destination was to the national park. Unfortunately the rain started to heavier, making the icy floor almost impossible to walk on. I would have loved more time to visit the park where you can walk in the canyons cut by glaciers. After a long day, headed back home and rested in hotel.

 Here

 it

 comes!

Walking in the canyon

Since my mum and younger brother preferred to stay in, me and my other brother decided to go for a bit of a food hunting. We found the most famous hot dog stand in Iceland, and had pretty good lobster soup. Whale kebabs are horrible though, ugh. There's not much to see at the Old Harbour, but there were quite some nice restaurants and I think walking by the pier would have been a nice experience.

Day 4
Laugavegur Street

Woke up late due to the long previous day. Our flight was in the afternoon hence we wanted to head to the Harpa concert hall which looked like a magnificent building from the outside. Due to the sudden heavy rain, plans got cancelled and we duck into one of the cafes on Laugavegur street which is the downtown area filled with superbly quirky shops. Definitely would have loved to shop there. Had green tea latte at a cafe called Te & Kaffi, a small modern cafe before heading back and getting ready to leave.

Cute modern cafe

Do try:

- Food in Iceland (especially weird ones); rotten shark, lamb head terrine, the famous hotdog. I've not particular affinity for Icelandic cuisine (except that awesome tomato soup) but I do think you won't be able to find a lot of the cuisine anywhere else especially if you are not in Europe, so why not?

- Climb the Hallgimskirja especially in the evening, lovely view

- Go see the Geysirs and waterfalls

Tips:

- Be prepared to brave the weather. It's not horribly bad especially if you are well-acquainted with winters. Otherwise, it takes a bit of getting used to, and just tons of patience

- The Blue Lagoon Spa was alright for its price, I would recommend to go if you've never been in an outdoor hot springs, otherwise it can be pretty pricey

- If you are more adventurous, I would suggest NOT taking a package/tour, just get a car and explore. Spend time in National Parks, they really look gorgeous. Also, I've been told the South end of the island where there are black sand beaches are way more gorgeous than the city area.

Wandering and Wondering

So. I officially graduated again on 10th of January this year, a Masters this time round.
Looking back, much has been bumpy, even more have been blessings.
Someone once asked me "Why did I choose to do my masters?"
I said it was for experience, learn a different culture, increase my knowledge.
But I say that with doubts rising within me. Because honestly, I don't know why I wanted to do my Masters.
I just wanted to do it. And I get it's a privilege to get to do something you want to do.
Nevertheless, I find it largely challenging to describe the tangible benefits of taking this Masters. I've learn a lot, sometimes I think more than I bargain for. But I can't put a tangible worth on these lessons.
Thus, I find that a little troubling. Though a friend said that he wouldn't worry about me not being able to bring extra knowledge to the table, unless I'm a waitress, haha

So, was it worth it? My tendency for future-orientation makes me a person who is constantly trying to question something's worth, trust me, I'm working on it.
I must admit that there are times when I doubt whether taking this step was worth all the change that had happened. I do wonder about other possible paths.

Yet, at the end of all that wondering, I find it hard to be on the other possible paths. Whether it is a case of sunk cost fallacy, self-bias justification or protecting the ego, a small part of me felt this had to happen.
From the beginning where there were various obstacles in my application, to changes in relationships, to facing parts I try to forget, discovering parts I never knew and feeling like a new me yet still the same old me leaves me feeling absolutely surreal.

Ultimately if I really had to answer the question of worth, I would say 'Yes, it was' and smother it with tons of 'it depends' and a smidgen of strong conviction that I actually believe what I say is true.
A lot of people are starting to question the worth of getting degrees and papers that may not even reflect our true self, and question whether education institutions are even relevant to prepare the world for what reality has to show
I've always been a strong supported of education, partially influenced by my grandmother. And while it used to be defined narrowly by achievements and 'A's", in the recent years it had shifted to a perception of mastery.
I have not been an apprentice, so I don't know exactly how the learning process is to start low and slowly progress. I can agree though that it is significantly more practical that a pure college education.

Perhaps a tertiary education is as much the skills as the learning environment. To be put in the vicinity of opportunities to pursue knowledge may sometimes be all we need to actually learn something, if anything.
To a certain extent, I can see how tertiary education may be more suitable for some more than others. But call it conformity, peer pressure or the beauty of human relationships. Being around those who seek knowledge really does give an impact on your own pursuant of knowledge.
Again, it's not the "A's" or distinctions or first classes, it's knowledge of living as a better person.
Throughout my one year in UK, I've met so many different people in various situations simply because I'm pursuing my Masters degree.
People who teach me about Pancake Day, the experience of picking berries, celebrating Easter with eat-chocolate-whole day.
People who have done great things, start their own rebel business, commit themselves to social innovation, planning Christmas dinners.
I don't think any item on that list would look relevant on a career CV, but I think it's got a darn good place on my life CV if that is even sensible. Being a Masters student in UK gave me the passport to both study as a "typical" student and also the access to other life experiences I may not have gotten.

Those that ultimately shape me as a person. And this is my personal reminder should I ever decide to question the worth of my decisions, because honestly, worth itself may not be the most quantifiable term. So, if you have what it takes, and you can honestly give it a shot with an education overseas. Take that passport, and journey into different life experiences. Do it because you believe in it, and not especially because here is one extra blog post that encourage you. Think about what you can do with your passport, literally and metaphorically.

They say not all those who wander are lost, I think not all those who wonder are lost too. 

To my year of wandering and wondering, to my temporary home, UK, cheers!

and Hello, Malaysia, for more wandering and wondering.

It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It.

Familiar statement? In my experience, the ladies in my life tend to use it against their men hahahahaha.

Read this.

I qualify my thoughts. A lot. It's like I have an imaginary 'backspace' button in my mind and I tap on it every time I formulate and verbalise my thoughts. As mentioned in the article, it can be a linguistic strategy to allow for input of other ideas - a key reason why I speak like how I speak.

However, in trying to cover all bases, it can make one's idea seem tentative and weak, at least according to the article. Recently as well, a thought bloomed and inspired by a conversation with a friend, speaking how I speak can also create the impression of one being impersonal. It's something that has never came upon me, but something so glaringly interesting.

I guess it boils down to sounding like a know-it-all and/or defensive. I mean, it really is a thin line between sounding like that and sounding informed. Plus, not being that straight-forward or beating round the bush does seem to magnify the lack of closeness in a relationship doesn't it?

So it does seem like more than what you say, it's how you say it that influences the perception of the receiver. While I don't suppose I'll do a major haul of my linguistic strategies just yet, I think this is one reminder that how we say something, can really make an impact on how the message gets through.

Delirium - Lauren Oliver

"I've been so used to thinking of what the borders are keeping out that I haven't considered that they're also penning us in" (pg.206)

And that's what emotions is like isn't it? You can't have the happiness without the pain; erasing risk of pain is killing the possibility of happiness. This book is pretty amazing. It has passionate love at its core, but I love its satire on humans' emotions. How we are so afraid of the negative emotions, we rather choose to be cured of it and not have a chance with positive emotions. How stability, order is preferred over the highs and lows that make life. 

It's a story about a girl, who met a boy who woke her up from her walking sleep, to open her eyes to the fears that were blinding her. Yes, they are 18 and yes it is corny. But it is sweet. Most people will be able to relate the passionate love(s) they had to the detailed descriptions of the story. I'm quite surprised that I managed to read that much detail (time to tackle Time Traveller's Wife perhaps) but I do like how she describe passionate first love down to a tat. Another aspect of the story that I like is the fictionalized world which makes up the context of the world these characters live in. Like how there is a book called 'The Safety, Health and Happiness Handbook, or the Book of Shhh' which is like a diagnostic manual for love as a disease, aptly named amor deliria nervosa. Pretty cool stuff huh? I like how it takes a jab at the current system of the world where we so prefer to categorize, to cure, to control - nice. 

But more than being a love story, like I mentioned earlier, its core tells about our discomfort with emotions. Without emotions, people are detached from their friends, even their own kids. That it becomes impossible to have meaningful conversations, and people who are "cured" from amor deliria nervosa can't even remember how it is like to comfort someone who is nervous. I'm guessing the story picks upon how passionate love can be so joyful yet also so painful that many people choose to be cured of it. Yet, our world is not just passionate love is it? It consists of the attachment to parents, friendship and even care for your dog. You can't take away passionate love and still expect to be attached to the rest. Question to ponder. Of course, passionate love is not the only type of love that exists between two people, but to bring it to the extent where you're paired up with a person based on your evaluation scores and to walk by the beach yet staring into distance? That kinda world freaks me a bit.

All in all, a wonderful book with relatable descriptions to life (I find myself nodding my head subconsciously, haha) and makes us wonder if getting rid of emotions is really a cure to happiness.

(Image source: http://cdni.condenast.co.uk/320x480/d_f/Delirium_gl_30nov1_320x480.jpg)

"Love, the deadliest of all deadly things: it kills you both when you have it and when you don't. 

But that isn't it exactly. 

The condemner and the condemned. The executioner, the blade; the last-minute reprieve; the gasping breath and the rolling sky above you and the thank you, thank you, thank you, God.

Love: it will kill you and save you, both." 

"That's when you really lose people, you know. When the pain passes"

"Love: a single word, a wispy thing, a word no bigger or longer than an edge. That's what it is; an edge, a razor. It draws up through the center of your life, cutting everything in two. Before and after. The rest of the world falls away on either side.

Before and after - and during, a moment no bigger or longer than an edge" (pg.269)

Behind the Screen VS In Front of People

One of the things I've been doing with all the time I've been blessed with the last few months is to take on some online courses. Partially for self-interest, partially to better my skills. And it was free, so all the better.
With Coursera, I took two courses; Social Network Analysis and A History of the World Since 1300. The format of it was a weekly lecture video, mini-assignments and then larger assignments that can span across weeks. This differs depending on the subject. On top of that, there are discussion forums between students and the lecturers. Also, with the Social Network Analysis class for example, it is made more interesting with extra videos speaking to network analysis experts (i.e. LinkedIn) just so students can further understand the application of the courses.

I enjoyed the courses very much, but I didn't finish the courses. Save for the holidays in between and a lack of discipline, what made me not finish them? Here are some factors I think affect a person's motivation to study an area.

Interest? Checked.

Convenience/ Accesibility? Checked.

Available support? Checked.

No financial concerns? Checked.

Reflecting on it, I think it might be because the lack of a learning environment. The not-used-to being in class with "so many people" around the world yet you are one learner behind the screen. Though there was all the time given in the world for you to take the discipline and do what you're interested in to do, not being in a class environment really does make a huge difference in my motivation. We all have different learning styles yet I think to be able to have a banter with someone(s) regarding something you've learnt really does keep one motivated and discipline. It could be replicated with the discussion forums, but in my opinion, still largely different, at least for me personally. To be able to see, feel, and realise that relationships are going on around you, to feel connections actually happening - connections between people, knowledge and each other - maybe that's the key.

Perhaps that is where the value of education lies. Making us, and to some extent forcing us to meet those we would not have met when you are behind a computer screen. It's possible to stay unknown a whole three years of undergraduate, but it is also significantly harder to do so. Harder to not notice the person that asks you a question, hard to not notice the person who seems to answer your question when you show a blur face.

There are so many exploitation to education nowadays (i.e. this video) and the education world is seeing significant good changes. We are all leveraging on technology to help make education more accessible and more holistic. Yet, are we helping the humanistic changes of it? Are our abilities to learn made easier due to all these technology or are convenience and accessibility overriding the true essence of learning between a teacher and student because of this real-time relationship?

I'm not sure. But I'm still willing to give it a shot. Have signed up for another course on Coursera - Personal Financial Planning, so let's hope I'll stick through this time. Let me know if you decide to join a course!