Sometimes I wonder if the producers/directors of horror movies associated with waters have ever considered its effects on normal humans like me who subconsciously internalise the horror associated with 'stuff' in the water.
Jaws...
The ugly-barracuda-eel-thingy in Baywatch...
Too-large-for-life crocodiles..
PIRANHAS..
And just unknown stuff in the water in the general.
I have a massive fear of swimming in the open sea despite my love for the beach, which in this case, stops at the shoreline, haha. But today, I had to swim in the murky waters of my swimming pool no thanks to the heavy downpour. Despite knowing it's the same swimming pool which I have loved swimming in, it actually increased my anxiety as I swam in it.
That's not the point of the post actually, well, not entirely at least, haha.
Waters always reminded me of our emotions, to me it has always given me a sense of calm to be in "safe" waters and allow me to connect with the thoughts and emotions swimming within me, pun intended.
And swimming in murky waters reminds me of the transition phase I am going through.
It's the same swimming pool, which to me resembles the metaphor of me being back in Malaysia, a home I've always known. But after certain circumstances that are part and parcel of life metaphorised by the heavy downpour, my home seems different from how I remembered, despite it being essentially my home. Yet, this has always been my safe haven, physically it is always changing and internally I felt a sense of change as well even when it's much less obvious.
Being in those murky waters remind me of my emotions now.
How it's clear, yet not clear. I could only see the distance in front of me, such as my feet.
How it's not dark, yet there is not enough light.
And sometimes it's the not-here-neither-there that scares us than the extremes. If I'm in the dark, at least I know what to be scared of, but in the dusky light of unclear waters, what exactly am I afraid of?
I've heard multiple stories about transition phases and never thought much about it.
Now being in the situation, I'm admittedly frustrated. At the same time, I guess it's my blessing to be given a situation in which I am learning to trust, both myself and others.
It's only in uncertainty that we are called upon our ability to trust what often cannot be seen.
And I think we often call this; faith.
